Madame Zingara: At Century City, Cape Town

So the other night – I think it was Thursday, but I can’t be too sure, my body clock is a little awry these days – I decided to check out and review the newly opened Madam Zingara at Century City in Cape Town. I really wanted to go that night, but The Girlfriend couldn’t make it, so rather than taking another hot woman and risking having my testicles transplanted to my throat in a non-surgical manner. (ie: The Girlfriend kicking me firmly in the gonads) I decided to have Steve O accompany me instead.

Now as far as I can recall, I had never been to Madame Zingara before, and so went in with absolutely no pre-conceptions whatsoever. I guess I could compare it to having sex with a lover for the first time, where you kind of expect that you will have a great night, but you’re never really sure until sometime during the middle when you pin her legs back and realise “Yes, this is actually a pretty awesome night.”

Looking back at the last paragraph I just wrote, that’s pretty much exactly how I would describe Madame Zingara. I’m not usually a show kind of guy, so was willing to put up with a little bit of singing and dancing whilst waiting for my supper.

Madame Zingara was not what I expected though, the show on offer was simply phenomenal, and it was about an hour into it when I realised “yes, this is actually a pretty awesome night”. It started off with two unbelievably double-jointed belters showing off their flexibility to the beat of some Indian chanting. “I’m very aroused right now,” I murmured to Steve O at the end of their performance, to which he duly concurred.

Flexible: Shaun endorses the performances.

And it just continued from there.

I’m not going to get into too much detail about each performance but I would agree with anyone who says the show is worth seeing. It certainly is. Pay special note to the roller skating couple near the end as well. That’s all I’m saying about it, you will have to see it for yourself.

The food, as one would expect, was also top class. Besides the show, the night comprises a four course meal, comprising appetizers, starters, mains and desserts. For our mains, we had the signature chocolate and chilli steaks, which went well with the butternut and broccoli side order. We didn’t really know what to do with the dry noodles though, and the best thing I could think of was using them to jab Steve O in the eye when he didn’t laugh at a dinner time anecdote I had graciously shared with him.

Besides that, he had a good night, I had a good night, and we both agreed that Madame Zingara is a good place to take someone that you are hoping to sleep with later that night, or even just someone you want to cuddle with later in the evening.

At this point you are probably wondering where it is, hey? Well, it’s situated next to the Mercedes Benz building in Century City, and I reckon you should all try it out at least once over the next few months. (This particular show, the 2010 Love Magic Tour, is scheduled to run until the end of the year)

It’s probably on the top end of Cape Town restaurants in terms of pricing, but you are getting a show after all, and the whole evening will last you just over 3 hours, so it’s well worth it. A bit of an “experience”, as they would say in Belgium.

Madame Zingara Contact Details and Info

What: Madame Zingara
Where: On the golf green parallel to the N1 and next to Mercedes Benz in Century City, Cape Town. (See here for map)
How Much: + – 350 per person. (Show, 4 course meal, plus drinks)
Contact: +27 (0)21 001 3366 and http://www.madamezingara.com

Oakes signing off.

Bombay Bicycle Club: Oldest gentlemans club in the world. Not a strip club though.

The other day I felt weak and dizzy, and realized that I hadn’t eaten anything for three solid days. I quickly put my drink down and staggered over to the fridge, hoping for old takeaways which would still be fairly edible. I remember having a pizza days earlier and couldn’t quite remember whether I had finished it or not. I soon discovered the half eaten meal, but it was so old that it had evolved and had grown a mouth and two legs, and promptly jumped out the fridge once I had opened it, declaring that it would be clubbing in Camps Bay that evening, and inviting me to join it.

I politely declined though, I wasn’t really in the mood for clubbing, I was in the mood for ribs though, and so decided to head off to the Bombay Bicycle Club in Kloof street, as we all know they have the best ribs in Cape Town, right?

Bombay Bicycle Club: With their famous ribs.

What’s that? You don’t know about their ribs? Two massive racks of the softest, stickiest ribs you will ever have in your life? Come now, allow me to educate you then, as I recount my tale.

So upon arrival, I initially felt for some spinach, mozzarella and smoked chicken (as one does), and so of course ordered their Phyllo Parcels starter, which has all of the above. The Girlfriend, who had silently followed me like a ninja, decided on a prawn starter (Kataifi Prawns ), which I managed to nibble on whilst she powdered her nose, and which also had me nodding my head in approval.

The starters were like a good session of foreplay, and we were now ready to get stuck into the main course. Our ribs duly arrived and, to further continue the sexual theme, it can best be decribed as nothing short of orgasmic. These are pork ribs, which were lean and meaty, and which easily and smoothly fell off the bone, like a young man sliding his pants off at the sight of his naked lover sprawled on the bed. The ribs were ably complimented by a side order of brocolli, cauliflower and butternut, and by the end of the meal, I had the self assured smile of contentment that a man gets when he either has his feet sensually rubbed, or has just had an epic carnivorous meal.

Something else which grabbed my attention though were the two diners at the accompanying table next to us. Being a ferocious gossip, and a world reknowned busy body, I realised that they were somehow involved with the Bombay Bicycle Club restaurant, and overheard the fact that Madame Zingara will be opening again.

I later did a search on a nifty website I use called “Google”, and I see that there is indeed a Madam Zingara website which seems to be quietly running in the background. Not sure exactly when they are opening yet, but I subscribed to their mailing list for more info, so will keep everyone posted.

So yeah, after contemplating an ageing piece of pizza, things turned out pretty well in the end. Quite enjoyed the vibe at Bombay Bicycle Club, and I’m sure you will too.

Bombay Bicycle Club Contact Details and Info

What: Bombay Bicycle Club
Where: 158 Kloof Street, Gardens, Cape Town (obviously)
How Much: + – 250 per person. (Which includes mains, dessert and a few drinks.)
Contact: +27 (0)21 423 6805 and http://www.bombaybicycleclub.co.za

Oakes signing off.

Bardelli's - In Kenilworth

I was driving through Kenilworth the other day when the strange heart condition I have suddenly kicked in. Basically, when this happens, I have to eat gourmet pizza as soon as possible or my heart stops beating and I die. Luckily for me, this happened just as I was driving passed Bardelli’s in Kenilworth Road, so I managed to avert an early death and enjoy pizza instead.

Bardelli’s has what some may call a “homely” vibe. Seated inside, the room felt like a lounge area of a suburban house, and wasn’t too big – there were about five tables with about 10 other guests in total. Apparently there is also a large courtyard outside where you can eat, but I wasn’t too bothered to go and check it out. The Girlfriend – who I had let out of the car boot once she promised to behave herself – did have a look around the back, and said it was tastefully decorated and fairly spacious.

Being fairly hungry at this point, we ordered three pizzas – bacon and feta, a vegetarian, and one with braised lamb. The pizza is served on an ultra thin crust and can be quite difficult to cut, whilst attempting to cut through her vegetarian slice, The Girlfriend succeeded in launching a piece of hard crust directly in my good eye, blinding me for the rest of the evening. After aiming a retaliatory punch at her, which she blocked with consummate ease, we decided to eat with our hands instead, which we both agreed was a more comfortable eating experience.

In terms of the pizza, we both enjoyed the bacon and feta and the vegetarian pizzas, which had just the right amount of rich flavour that one would expect from a gourmet pizza. The lamb pizza was a bit of a write-off however, with the meat both dry and lifeless, and we both felt that lamb should never be served on pizza ever again.

As we were seated in a fairly small area, we had no problem with the service, with the attractive – if somewhat ginger – waitress constantly on hand to ensure we were well served.For dessert, The Girlfriend had the creme brulee , whilst I polished off another Windhoek Lager.

All in all, an enjoyable night out. Bardelli’s isn’t a “hoity toity” or pretentious place, and would be a good venue for a midweek night out, or a fourth or fifth date venue, when you have already slept with your girlfriend / boyfriend, and can let your hair down and just enjoy yourself. The Girlfriend was certainly in good spirits when we left, and even let me feel her up in the car thereafter, so a good time was certainly had by all.

What: Bardelli’s
Where: 51 Kenilworth Road, Kenilworth (over the railway line coming from the Main Road, passed Ruby Tuesday)
How Much: + – 150 per person. (Which includes mains, dessert and a few drinks. Reasonable.)
Contact:+27 (0)21 683 1423

Nelson's Eye Restaurant

“I yearn for something meaty this evening,”said The Girlfriend in a yearning manner this past Friday.

“Well baby, I have something meaty for you right here,” I said charmingly, whilst seductively unzipping my pants.

This attractive offer failed to entice The Girlfriend however, and thus we ended up at Nelson’s Eye Restaurant instead.

Nelson’s Eye has an interesting vibe. It’s not one of your uber-trendy eating spots where everything looks, well, uber-trendy and visually appealing, and you end up with a plate of food which looks aesthetically pleasing on the eye, but also happens to be the size of your eye (sprinkled with a rich and spicy chocolate sauce or something else of that nature).

No, Nelson’s Eye is a hardcore steakhouse, they know they are good at steaks, and that’s what they do, they don’t f**k about with fancy trimmings. (they basically said as much on my plastic place mat with the large steak knife on it).

The Girlfriend had the fillet, whilst I went for the sirloin. It took about 30-35 minutes to prepare, but I was able to pass the time guzzling Hansa Marzen Golds, whilst slurring sweet nothings in The Girlfriend’s eye and mouth.

When the food arrived, we were both in agreement that it was worth the wait. My sirloin left me sitting there with a bit of a semi (it was that good), whilst The Girlfriend had that glazed look in her eye, which usually only occurs when she makes me wear that infernal Javier Bardem mask during “fool-around” time.

Price wise, it’s probably in the upper tier of your Cape Town restaurant vibe, but the food is well worth it – it also comes with a hefty portion of veggies and a choice of baked potato or fries, so you’re not going to leave there still feeling hungry.

Check it out if you’re in the mood for a hefty but tasty meal. It’s around the corner from the Mount Nelson Hotel, so it’s ridiculously easy to find.

It get’s my seal of approval, so you will no doubt enjoy it too.

What: Nelson’s Eye Restaurant
Where: 9 Hof Street, Gardens (coming toward Cape Town from the suburbs, first road left before Mount Nelson Hotel)
How Much: + – 200 per person. (for main course. We didn’t try dessert, as we wanted to go home and fool around)
Contact:+27 (0)21 423 2601

It was a warm and Summery Thursday evening, which of course found me trying to seduce The Girlfriend, a weekly tradition we have in order to keep things “spiced up” in our relationship. She was having none of it though, and insisted that I romance her and take her out for a meal first.

Thus we decided to dine at 1800°, a grill room type restaurant situated in Cape Town, at the Cape Royale hotel.

The restaurant has a pretty chilled and relaxed vibe, with seating inside or preferably outside in the courtyard. I had just blowdried my hair, so was quite happy to dine outside.

For starters, The Girlfriend enjoyed the steamed mussels, whilst I tucked into the chicken liver dish. I’m not usually a fan of liver, usually only eating it when someone has pinned me down and forced it down my throat, as my mom used to do. This dish was immaculately prepared though, and the taste actually left me with a bit of a semi, which as everyone who is familiar with me will know is a glowing endorsement.

1800 Degrees Restaurant: It will give you a semi.

For the mains we were spoilt for choice. Although primarily a grill house, with a wide choice of delectable steaks on hand, their seafood was also supposed to be pretty highly rated.

I was in the mood for meat though, and so dived head first into the prime beef rib, with The Girlfriend – still feeling the seafood vibe – dining on the grilled swordfish.

My steak arrived with steamed veggies and three different imported salts, together with a sauce from Argentina called “Chimichurri”, which had a bit of a kick. The steak was tasty, yet wasn’t dry or tough as is sometimes the case with beef, and left me with my toes curled in quiet contentment. The Girlfriend was pretty cuffed with her swordfish, and agreed that we could now fool around later in the evening, much to my delight.

Not before dessert though, where we enjoyed Homemade Ice-cream and Vanilla Creme Brulee (“Broolay”, not “brully”, you Philistine)

So yeah, 1800 degrees restaurant has a cool vibe and a great setting, and would be a very good choice for a first date or just a romantic dinner, virtually guaranteeing you some action later.

Here with some more info on this Cape Town restaurant:

Shaun gives it three thumbs up. (He was three thumbs. Deal with it.)

What: 1800° Restaurant (www.18hundreddegrees.com)
Where: Cape Royale, Green Point Main Road,Cape Town
How Much: + – 250 per person. (for three courses)
Contact:+27 (0)21 430 0506

It was a cold and windy Thursday, and I had just completed a long and busy day. The Girlfriend, sensing my fatigue, eventually decided to climb off my face and suggested we eat something.

“What do you feel like eating?” I murmured, as I looked around frantically for my dentures. We were in the mood for something both substantial and tasty, perhaps a buffet of some kind.

“Perhaps a buffet of some kind?” I mentioned authoritively, as I could read The Girlfriend’s mind and she WAS in fact, in the mood for a buffet.

So it came to pass then, that we found ourselves at The Fountains Hotel Restaurant in the city centre.

Fountains Hotel Restaurant

The Fountains Hotel is situated near the Foreshore (close to the Absa building) and, as the name suggests, IS in fact, a hotel. What you may not know about it, is that it also offers a lively and diverse buffet menu in the restaurant, where people can walk in off the street, and then proceed to feast and dine like they did in medieval times.

The restaurant is tastefully decorated, and surprisingly spacious, able to easily host 150 people plus. When you arrive, a waitor will seat you at the table and briefly tell you what’s on offer. Because it’s a hotel, and taking into account the various clientele, the restaurant tries to cater for all tastes, and thus a diverse menu awaits.

Initially we enjoyed a Greek-style first course of various breads, dips, cheeses and olives. It was whilst going up for seconds that I noticed some fish soup, eyeing me seductively on the table to my right. Naturally I obliged and headed on over to try that out as well.

For the main course we were again spoilt for choice, with various meat dishes batting their eyelids at us in a flirtatious manner. These consisted of lamb curries, beef stews, seared chicken breasts as well as prawns, all accompanied by a large contingent of vegetable dishes such as butternut, pumpkin, noodle salads etc etc.

If that wasn’t enough, the dessert menu also succeeded in getting us hot and randy. They offer something like 10 or 11 different desserts, from decadent cheese cakes, to simple vanilla ice cream.

All in all, we had a substantial three course meal, in a relaxed and friendly atmosphere, which ended up coming to the not very princely sum of R150 per person, almost unheard of in Cape Town. The service was pretty jacked up as well, and ensured that our table was never filled with dirty plates or glasses.

The Fountains Hotel Restaurant is thus an awesome spot for a Sunday afternoon buffet lunch with the family, or if you’re just in the mood for a wholesome three course meal during the week. It’s certainly incredibly affordable, in comparison to other Cape Town eateries.

In addition, they have a trendy bar where you can mingle after work, offering all cocktails for only R20. I couldn’t quite believe that but I checked it out and this is in fact, the case. All cocktails for R20, and they will also make anything you ask, so it’s already on my list for top five after work hangout spots in Cape Town.

Parking is available in the adjacent Riebeek street, and the restaurant stays open till about 11pm, so be sure to make a turn there.

Shaun definitely recommends.

What: Fountains Hotel Restaurant (www.fountainshotel.co.za)
Where: 1 St Georges Mall, Cape Town. (Near the circles at the Foreshore, nearby the one with the fountains)
How Much: + – 150 per person.

Contact: +27 21 443 1100

Carlyle's Restaurant in Vredehoek.

Carlyle’s is a vibey little restaurant in Vredehoek, full of vibey little people, eating vibey little food. So this was where we found ourselves the other day, because we consider ourselves pretty vibey, and we were really hungry.

The place is not overly large, roughly the size of the lounge at The HQ, so it’s a fairly intimate setting. There were 8 of us who arrived to celebrate an engagement, which proved to be a problem because, as previously mentioned, the place is the size of The HQ’s lounge. Stay with me here.

Anyhoo, after much compromise and gnashing of teeth, we managed to squeeze everyone in, although I was forced to sit inside The Girlfriend’s handbag, which was slightly uncomfortable, but I wasn’t in the mood for complaining.

The place DOES have a nice little vibe, very chilled, without a hint of pretension, and the food was pretty good as well.

They make pizzas, steak, pasta as well as seafood. The entire menu is up on one of the walls, although the waitrons are also able to comfortable rattle off everything, which can take up to 5 mins but is pretty fascinating nonetheless.

We made our waitron repeat herself three times and she didn’t forget a single item. I know this because I am a bit of a Rain Man myself. If you don’t know who Rain Man is, I suggest you go and hire the DVD. Basically it’s a great little 80’s flick starring Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman.

Back to the subject at hand, the bill came and we were pleasantly surprised to see that they had charged us an extra fee for what they called “cakeage”. Like “corkage” except with cake.

Yes, we had brought in a cake as part of the celebrations. All we wanted to do was have our cake and eat it.

The Cake.

So yes, whilst Carlyle’s may offer a good night out, beware of their extra costs.

The Cakeage Fee.

They charge a corkage fee, as well as a cakeage fee. In addition, they allegedly also charge extra fees for any dinner party bringing in fat people, men who wear two toned shirts as well as women who have overly large heads. So be warned.

What: Carlyle’s
Where: 17 Derry Street, Vredehoek
How Much: + – R120 per person. (That includes a stiff Jameson or three)

Unhappy Consumers - Unhappy With Bad Service.

Besides my usual batch of fan mail, hate mail, pics of naked women, pics of naked men, and adverts promising to cure my bald spot; I received the following two emails this week.

One relates to a particularly bad experience at the Quarterdeck Restaurant, situated at the Grand West Casino, whilst the other was more of a concern regarding the excessive wine prices at Belthazar Restaurant, situated at the V & A Waterfront.

Not having much going on at the moment, I thought this would be an interesting case study to see whether these two establishments would take the time to address these grievances, or simply ignore them and foster resentment on the part of the customer.

Strong words there Bernie. I wonder if the manager will be contacting you now.

A good point Louis, I actually remember a story a few months back about Belthazar charging a customer R9000 for a bottle of wine.

I’ve sent the two establishments this url, and encouraged them to respond. Let’s wait and see if they do, and what they have to say regarding the points raised.

Sinns In Wembley Square, Cape Town.

It was a tepid Friday night at The HQ, and I was scavenging around, desperately looking for food. The fridge was a definite no go area – the bowl of tuna pasta was old enough to be my mother, and the slice of pizza at the bottom shelf was actually waving at me, asking me where the party would be that evening.

I didn’t know where the party would be that evening, but I did know where Sinns Restaurant was, and so The Girlfriend and I ventured forth to Wembley Square in Gardens, for what we hoped would be an evening filled with gastronomical delight.

Sinns is what one may call a “trendy spot”. The location is certainly superb, on the ground floor of Wembley Square, opposite that sushi place that everyone loves, and S-Bar, which is actually Sinns bar.

S-Bar was understandably packed – full of beautiful, hip, upwardly mobile people – with a sprinkling of ugly, hip upwardly mobile people. And one distinctly immobile person, who looked like she would need an oversized crane to help her off that ottoman.

Sinns on the other hand, was relatively quiet, which was rather disconcerting for a Friday night. I remember trying to make a reservation some time last year, phoning on the Friday afternoon hoping to make it for that evening.

The hostess at the time, laughed her tits off at the thought, and I ended up at McDonalds instead. This time round though, it was actually possible to stroll in without a reservation and get a table.

In terms of the food, The Girlfriend yearned for the duck, whilst I settled for the line fish, which was Silverfish. Both dishes came with a side order of fresh vegetables, which consisted of broccoli, pumpkin, carrots and a horrible beetroot mix.

The food was… adequate, certainly not horrible, but not exactly spectacular either. Bland is probably the word I would use to best describe it. The chef is obviously trying out some creative concoctions – my fish was on top of a bed of cream spinach, surrounded by crisp strips of bacon – but it just didn’t quite come off.

The Girlfriend felt the same way about her duck, and we were both left feeling that something was missing. The food lacks that X-factor, that thing that makes you say, “Shit, that’s helluva tasty” and gives you a semi erection at the thought of it, days after, when you’re lying on your leather four-seater eating toast.

A redeeming feature was the dessert though, a rich chocolate cheese cake surrounded by fresh fruit and creamy ice cream. That was something which certainly met my expectations, leaving me with a warm chubbiness in my loins for days after.

In summary, Sinns was like the new Linkin Park album, very well packaged and marketed, until you actually play it on your iPod and realise that there’s only one good track worth listening to.

Slightly underwhelming, let’s try harder next time, shall we?

What: Sinns
Where: Wembley Square, Gardens
How Much: + – R180 per person. (Give or take a stiff Jameson or two)

Beluga In Green Point. Or Greenpoint.

I have long considered myself a “creative”, a free spirit and someone who thinks outside the box. As a young impressionable chap, I remember scratching my head at the concept of “long play records” or “LP’s” as we cool kids called them back in the 80’s.

“These things are so impractical”, I remember saying. “Surely they could come in a more compact disk?”

Then there was the time I was trying to watch German pornography on a poor quality VHS tape. “Bah humbug” I said aloud.

“Why can’t this be displayed on a high quality disk which we would then call a DVD, for no apparent reason?”

Yes, these were just some of the many crazy and “out there” ideas I came up with whilst growing up.

As a creative, I enjoy mingling with other like-minded people, and so it came to pass that we arrived at Beluga, a rather trendy little spot at the Foundry, just off Somerset Road, Green Point, where many a creative can be found eating sushi or drinking beer.

Alex the manager seated us at a very exclusive spot upstairs, and The Girlfriend, The Brand Ambassador and myself prepared to tuck into sushi, one of Beluga’s specialties.

Although reasonably priced by Cape Town’s standards, Beluga also offers great specials from 5-7pm every day. Or evening, if you really want to be pedantic about it.

This include massive discounts on their sushi dishes (up to 50% off), which I obviously took advantage of.

The restaurant has a great ambience, no overtly loud background music to speak of, but not uncomfortably quiet either. You can talk about your erection problems or your recent bout of halitosis without fear of anyone hearing you.

The food was to my rather high standard, the sushi was fresh, tight and compact, and the service by our deaf waiter was quite superb (he hovered around every 5 minutes or so without being overly annoying)

For dessert, The Girlfriend and I shared a chocolate truffle cake, a richly layered truffle cake with a sweet chocolate filling, which is probably why it is called a chocolate truffle cake.

Downstairs afterward, we skipped and pranced over to the bar, for a cognac and cigar. Regrettably there were no cigars, the cigarette vending machines were broken and the bar staff didn’t want to hand out entjies (loose cigarettes) to The Brand Ambassador, who desperately needed his nicotine fix. So that was the only down side then. No entjies at the bar.

Otherwise, it was all good though. Shaun recommends.

What: Beluga
Where: The Foundry, Prestwich Street, Green Point
How Much: + – R180 per person. (That includes a few stiff Jamesons)

Tank Restaurant At The Cape Quarter.

I have always had a bit of a love affair with fish. It all started as a baby, when one of my cousins – envious of my ability to read John Grisham novels since birth – threw me into the dark abyss of the Indian ocean at Seaforth beach, Simonstown. Although I could devour a John Grisham novel with relative ease, I hadn’t quite grasped the concept of walking. Or swimming.

“Oh dear” I thought, as the previous 8 months of my life began flashing by. “I guess I shall be signing off then.”

I was sinking slowly to the bottom of the ocean floor, wondering if my financial affairs would be in order, when I suddenly felt a sharp nudge in the back. I turned around to find a school of Cape snoek who, upon seeing my predicament, got in underneath me as if a magic carpet, and guided me to the shallows – where my jubilant family awaited.

In gratitude, my dad immediately gutted the heroic fish and we had a lovely braai that evening, musing how intelligent and courageous the snoek were as we sunk our teeth into them. Ever since that day, I have loved fish, and so it was fitting then that we recently dined at Tank, a seafood and sushi restaurant at the Cape Quarter, in De Waterkant.

I was first to arrive, and immediately marvelled at the decor – which is very sleek and modern, very minimalist in fact. I ordered a Peroni from the rather perky waiter and waited for The Girlfriend. And waited. And waited. Christmas came and went, I turned 29, peace in the Middle East was finally realised, and still I waited. Eventually The Girlfriend rocked up, and nimbly evaded the fork I hurled at her in anger, expertly rolling, whipping out her pepper spray and then blinding me – in one, smooth motion.

Once I had stopped crying and regained the vision in my left eye, we decided to order. For starters we settled on prawn spring rolls in sweet corn and chilli sauce. This certainly appealed to our tastebuds so we had another. Then another. Eventually, prawn spring rolls in sweet corn and chilli sauce were coming out of my ears, which we then shared and ate as well. I cannot stress enough how good that was.

For our main meal we settled for the Rainbow Roll portions, a tasty and refreshing meal which left my mouth in ecstasy and me slightly aroused. Being a master with the chopsticks, I quickly and efficiently gobbled up mine, then made a dash for The Girlfriend’s. A quick warning shot of pepper spray was enough to ward me off however, leaving me to whimper and lick my wounds in the corner.

After a long and satisfying burp, it was time for desert. While The Girlfriend settled on a chocolate mousse, I decided on a New York style cheese cake. The chocolate mousse was simply amazing, whilst the New York style cheese cake – once I found it hiding under a garnishing leaf, was pretty good too.

Besides the excellent cuisine on offer, the staff at Tank are pretty jacked up too. Once I had finished dining, I tried to make a dash for the door, leaving The Girlfriend to settle the bill. In a flash, my rather perky waiter was on hand, barring the entrance with his relatively large frame, and forcing me to return to my table, where The Girlfriend awaited with a vengeful dose of pepper spray again.

Besides that though, we had a good evening. For a good night out, be sure to check out Tank restaurant, at the Cape Quarter near Green Point – I liked it, and I’m pretty sure you will like it too. Because I know what you like.

Yes, you over there. I know what you like. Don’t pretend you don’t know me.

A Feisty Cockroach. Similar To The One Seen At Royale.

It was a cold and wet Winter’s Thursday evening, the kind of evening that makes you go “Hey, let’s sit down and have a meal at Royale Burger, in Long Street, Cape Town”. And so it came to pass that we sat down and had a meal at Royale Burger, in Long Street, Cape Town. Royale is an interesting venue, boasting a 50’s Grease-Lightening styled theme, innovative decor and design, and substantially large burgers, the size of a small Cape suburb. Many an evening had been spent gorging on one of their famous Federale Burgers, getting pissed at the bar upstairs (called, interestingly enough, “Upstairs”) and then proceeding to physically roll home, using sheer will power and the momentum of a stiff kick from The Girlfriend’s steel-tipped boot.

Plans to follow in this proud tradition were going swimmingly – I had just devoured my meal like a hungry lion, whilst drinking copious amounts of beer, and the disgusted look on The Girlfriend’s face meant a stiff kick in the solar plexus was imminent.

I had just finished my 27th Windhoek, when my spider sense suddenly kicked in, alerting me of impending danger. Instinctively I did a forward roll into a defensive stance, expecting a karate kick from The Girlfriend, but she was still stretching and warming up, and an attack from her side was still minutes away. Then I saw the source of my danger radar – a rather pretentious looking cockroach had sauntered in, mouthing off to the patrons in a rather derogatory manner. He scurried around from one table to the next, causing great alarm and distress to the easy-going customers, who just wanted to enjoy a good meal and were now being treated to the greatest disrespect from the feisty Parktown prawn. Seemingly inebriated, he clearly had his Beer Coat on, looking for a fight, but he quickly met his match when a rather annoyed patron whipped off her Green Cross sandal and smashed him to pieces in one smooth motion.

Everyone cheered and clapped in mutual appreciation, but our joy was short lived as another roach soon entered the fracas, cursing obscenities from the nearby wall above us in a rather vulgar manner. At this, we then decided to get the bill, and proceeded to leave in a hurry, our ears still burning from the foulmouthed tirade of the wretched pest.

Royale, one roach was bad enough, but two is simply unacceptable. Me thinks it’s time to call in the Pest Control, or I may have to have my burgers elsewhere.

Bukhara - Finest Indian Cuisine.

After a long day at work, smashing rocks with my bare fists, I like nothing better than to slip into my favourite “sherwani”, and enjoy a good night of fine Indian cuisine. So it was very fitting then, that we ended up dining at Bukhara, in Church Street, Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa for a night of Tikka Pasanda, Dum Aloo, Warki Parantha and Amstel.

I am a big fan of Indian food and a regular patron of the Spur in Canal Walk. Our waiter eyed me suspiciously however, when I asked for a Double Rib Burger with cheddarmelt sauce, but the Chicken in Butter Curry he brought out more than made up for the Indian restaurants apparent menu faux pas. A novelty of Bukhara’s is the see-through window to the kitchen, allowing patrons to watch the food being made. We spent several minutes watching in wonder as the child labourers employed there expertly butchered and carved up a rather feisty cow.

The meat, as one would thus expect, was incredibly soft and tender, literally melting in my mouth as soon as tongue hit flesh – allowing me to slurp up my food in a most dignified manner.

To cater for the white people, the dishes are not too spicy, although we were quite fortunate to witness one unfortunate chap literally bursting into flames as he tried some of the chilli sauce on his garlic Nan bread.

Bukhara: Too Hot For Some White People

Everyone was enthralled by the spectacular show and our dinner party decided there and then to try some of what he was having, which we loved.

Afterwards, back at The HQ, I settled down on the couch for a viewing of Little Britain (Season 3) while having my varicose veins and abnormally large feet massaged by The Girlfriend, to cap off a most enjoyable night.

Saigon Restaurant Cape Town

“Saigon” was the name of an old movie which had a “2-21″ age restriction on it, so you knew it had to be good. As a young spritely lad of 8 or 9, I remember spiking my parents drinks with copious amounts of Grandpa, sneaking into their bedroom and watching the R-rated flick, which had some sort of military story if memory serves, although the strongest memory I have is obviously the gratuitous nudity, and the severe beating my mom gave me when she woke up 3 days later.

So it was with this feel-good nostalgia, that we dined at Saigon restaurant in Kloof Street. The venue is large and spacious, letting you chat among your dinner party without the risk of any pesky eavesdroppers – something I value as I am often guilty of blurting out government secrets and blatant slanderous lies after an ale or two.

I’m not sure whether the food is Thai, Vietnamese, Japanese or Chinese – I can’t remember and I’m too tired to look it up now. Let’s just go with the safe route and say that it’s Asian. Not Indian or Pakistan Asian though.

Okay, so the food is Asian, reflected by the decor, and the waitrons are all dressed in traditional Asian garb, (Think “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”) looking as they they could easily rip your heart out with the Eagle’s Claw technique if you’re unhappy with their service. We were certainly mindful of not annoying our waitress, who probably leaned on the side of over-helpfulness, at one stage even explaining to The Girlfriend how to eat a spring roll.

The complicated concept of eating has often baffled me though and so I watched and listened intently, finally realising what I’d been forgetting all these years (ie: chewing) and so settled down to sushi, which is raw fish which the Japanese eat because they are too lazy to fry.

Our waitress spoke in an incredibly high-pitched tone, sounding the way I did before my voice broke 18 months ago. Her pitch seemed to get higher and higher as the evening progressed, shattering my spectacles during the starters, and causing my brain to begin hemorrhaging during the main course. Eventually her voice couldn’t be heard by a human ear, and so I had to get my favourite canine friend Mr Biggles on the line to translate for us, which he duly did even though he was chilling with his mates at a nearby kennel.

Everyone agreed that the food was really good and all in all it was a very enjoyable dining experience. Getting into the whole sushi thing, the next day I tried wrapping raw snoek in a lettuce leaf, but it didn’t quite have the same taste, so it’s something I’m going to have to work on.

Belthazar: Not Just A Restaurant. A Wine Bar Too.

Wednesday was Valentine’s day, and so The Girlfriend and I went to Belthazar Wine Bar in the Waterfront, partly because neither of us can cook, but mainly because eating is a big hobby of mine (I do it on most days)

Essentially a steakhouse, the place is also a wine bar (as the name clearly suggests) and so we were greeted by a wine guy called Darius who took us through a variety of semi-sweets, chardonnays and merlots. Naturally I leaned toward the cheapest wine available, which is normally stored in room temperature cardboard box, but Darius was quite a forceful character and after putting me in a unrelenting choke-hold, I eventually conceded and went for one of his recommendations, a dry red which now may have left my teeth permanently stained.

Their steaks as you would expect, was of an exceptionally high quality, and once I found mine, which had been hiding under the lettuce leaves – I wolfed it down like a hungry… well… wolf. The bill was also reasonable, which The Girlfriend settled after I had absent mindedly left my wallet in my other handbag.

So… ja (yeah), that’s my story. I guess this was one of those “had-to-be-there” kind of stories. Gosh, I thought I had more to say actually, this is a little embarrassing. I must be really tired.