Meh

Alice: In Wonderland. Supposedly.

So the other day I went and saw Alice In Wonderland, the new film by Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. It was in 3D, and I was hoping for a trippy story, slightly scary, with werid vivid images as imagined by a warped character such as Tim Burton. I’m also a big fan of Depp and I think he is a pretty cool guy, someone I could have a beer with and not feel awkward that I’m having a beer with Johnny Depp.

Unfortunately, this film did not do it for me, and here is why:

• Meh special effects – This movie had a $200 million dollar budget, and it was in 3D. How come I felt so underwhelmed by the special effects? I don’t really know, to be honest. Maybe watching Avatar really heightened my expectations for movies now. Maybe the novelty of 3D has now worn off on me? Or maybe, the special effects on Alice is just not that breathtaking? Difficult to pin point, but it did not blow me away. Not even gently. Adequate would be the most apt description for me.
• So so storyline – This was meant to be a completely original story and serve as a sequel for the original story. (Alice has grown up considerably) Story felt flat and very drawn out to me. She is basically called back to Underland to kill the Jabberwocky (it’s a dragon). That’s the plot, and they have just padded things up to take it to 2 hours.
• Johnny Depp is annoying – Incredibly annoying. As mentioned, I am usually a fan, but am I the only one who found the Mad Hatter really irritating? He was meant to be one of the good guys, but I found myself rooting for those deck-of-card soldiers, secretly hoping one of them would spear him in the eye. His annoying on-again, off-again Scottish accent got tired very quickly, and when he does this silly little dance near the end I wanted to run up to the screen and punch him in the throat. I know it was only the screen and he would not really feel it, but I wanted to do it anyway just the same.

So yeah, I don’t want to come across as overly critical of the movie, but this should just be looked at as a balance to all the other people who seem to be creaming themselves over this movie. I thought it was “okay”, and not something I would really want to see again.

Alice In Wonderland scores a Steve-O rating of 2.5.

Oakes signing off.

Now That We Have Actually Seen It

Avatar - As Really Seen By Shaun

So, after months of trying to watch this movie in 3D, wanting to get decent seats in the process, we eventually managed to see Avatar.

Due to all the media hype around this movie, I was understandably concerned that it had been built up heavily, to the point where I would leave the cinema disappointed. Counting in its favour however, was the fact that I had not watched a 3D movie before, and so would be pretty open to the spectacle.

So, did it live up the hype?

That would be a yes, capitan.

The special effects, as you would come to expect, is simply mind blowing. Make no mistake, this is pure escapist fun. In many instances, you lose yourself and it feels as if you are literally in Pandora. James Cameron reportedly spent 10 years developing the technology used to film Avatar, and first impressions are that he didn’t spend the time jacking off, to porn but that it was rather time – and significant money no doubt – well spent. So from a visual point of view, hands down, this is epic and a real spectacle.

The plot is where a lot of critics have taken shots at the film, but to be fair, I didn’t think it was too bad. Sure, it’s fairly cliche and it doesn’t take rocket science to work out where the film is going. At the end of the day though, you are not going in there expecting to see a whodunnit or a psychological thriller filled with twists and turns. It’s a sci-fi film, with a fairly standard plot, you’ve seen it in Star Wars, Star Trek etc, and you know what you are going to get.

You will of course have noticed that I haven’t mentioned the actual storyline, which is a deliberate ploy on my part as by now, everyone should know what the film is about.

I am usually pretty cynical when it comes to overly hyped films, but I thoroughly enjoyed this one. The Girlfriend seemed to enjoy it as well, and even let me feel her up thereafter, which is usually a sign that she is content and satisfied.

Do yourself a favour and go and see Avatar. Two months since being released in South Africa, it’s still playing to full theatres so you may well battle to get decent seats, but this is one of those films you simply have to go and see. In 3D.

Avatar scores a Steve-O rating of 4.

Oakes signing off.

Not Too Shabby

Sherlock Holmes: Reviewed by Shaun.

I have already mentioned my long running battle to see Avatar, including many near misses before actually getting to see it, which we will discuss soon. It was during one of these near misses however, that we decided to watch Sherlock Holmes, the modern remake starring Robert Downey Jnr and Jude Law, and directed by Guy Ritchie, the director famous for making British gangster films, and for having had sex with Madonna on a regular basis.

Warner Brothers are keen to turn this into a highly profitable franchise, and have clearly spent a considerable sum of money marketing this movie, even going so far as to create a Sherlock Holmes online game.

So did the movie live up to the hype?

The simple answer is yes. And no.

Yes from a purely cinematic entertainment point of view. If you are looking to spend two hours chilling in the cinema, munching on some popcorn and just having some fun, then this is a movie to see. It’s not too taxing on the brain, will keep you entertained and interested with a fast moving plot, and has the right amount of humour, action and special effects to keep the baying masses happy.

Robert Downey Jnr’s Sherlock has a great rapport with Jude Law’s Watson, and there is certainly some chemistry there, almost to the point of a homosexual attraction. I haven’t seen that much blatant male on male sexual flirtation since Frodo Baggins and Samwise in the Lord of the Rings.

It works though, and you are quickly drawn in by the rogueish charm of Sherlock, perfectly complimented by the rugged, strong character of Watson.

There are times when Robert Downey Jnr’s British accent can be difficult to understand, but other than that the performances are pretty well polished throughout the cast, from Mark Strong’s dark characterisation of Lord Blackwood, to Rachel McAdams American heroine, Irene Adler.

So what wasn’t great about Sherlock Holmes?

The mystery element left me feeling a little unsatisfied. The ending didn’t leave me with that “ah ha!” moment you get when you realise how something was achieved at the end of a suspenseful film. Rather, it left me bemused and slightly disappointed with the outcome. Not to give away the plot, but there are heavy doses of what could perhaps be described as sci fi, or at least the use of too-modern-for-its-time technology, in the explanations of how Lord Blackwood was able to do what he did.

Taking that away though, Sherlock Holmes is still an entertaining romp, and a pretty good way to spend 2 hours of your time.

Sherlock Holmes scores a Steve-O rating of 3.

Oakes signing off.

An Epic Film

Avatar - As Seen By Shaun

So I went to go see Avatar the other day, and let me just say, “Wow“. I had eavesdropped on many people talking about the movie and how great the special effects were, but I was still left amazed by James Cameron. The special effects were really awesome. And blue.

I liked the blue people, the Nav… Navel… Nav’i? Whatever. They were really good and… lifelike, and… cool.

The action scenes were pretty good as well. And the acting was also quite good. The directing was really good too. And the storyline was good. Oh and the 3D? Yes, that was also good.

So yeah, all in all I would give this a Steve O rating of 5, which is the highest Steve O rating ever.

The end.

…

Sniff.

Mmm?

What was that?

You think my review was weak and vague?

You’re implying I didn’t actually see Avatar?

How dare you, I am really offended by that. You have insulted my integrity.

Hey?

Why are you asking me about the ending now? I know the ending, I saw it. Don’t try and catch me out.

…

Okay, FINE – I DIDN’T really see Avatar yet. You got me, well done, give yourself a hand.

What? You HAVEN'T Seen Us Yet?!?

How can I watch it though? Every time I try and book a ticket, it’s completely sold out. I’ve tried Cavendish and Canal Walk (the only two cinemas who have it in 3D – I don’t see the point in watching it in 2D at the Labia theatre. That would be an epic fail)

However, despite it now being more than a month since it opened, I am still greeted by the following screen:

Avatar - Sold Out. Again.

I usually hate having to sit in a full cinema, as I hate other people, and usually will go and see a film just before it ends its run in theatres. (remind me to post my latest movie review on The Hangover – it’s a beaut)

However, I’m going to have to make an exception here – I pretty much just want to get to see the film in this life time, preferably from a middle seat near the back though.

So if you have been lucky enough to see the film, was it as good as the hype suggests?

Should I bring along a fresh pants? (I’ve been told that the sheer awesomeness of the special effects will have me shitting myself)

Can anyone confirm this?

Oakes signing off.

Above Average Flick

Law Abiding Citizen - Jamie Foxx getting intimate with Gerard Butler.

It was a Tuesday, and to celebrate it, The Girlfriend and I decided to head off to the Nu Metro at the V&A Waterfront to watch a movie.

“Inglorious Basterds” was an option, but The Girlfriend has a famously low tolerance to violence on screen (we had to turn off “Slumdog Millionaire” during the scene when the one kid has his eyes burned), and so settled for something more PG 13 instead.

“Law Abiding Citizen” stars Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler, and is about a family man, played by Butler, who witnesses his family get tortured and killed by a bunch of thugs who break into his home. Instead of having the perpetrators rot in jail, he is gutted to find that Jame Foxx, a district attorney, has cut a deal with one of them. Butler then plots his revenge on both the killers, as well as the district attorney and the justice system in general, who he believes f**ked him around.

What follows is a well crafted revenge thriller, as Butler plot a number of elaborate ways to kill his adversaries. It’s an entertaining little flick, not too violent or taxing on the brain, and definitely worth a watch.

Jamie Foxx stars in his first decent film in quite some time, and Butler also delivers his best movie performance since playing King Leonidas in “300”.

It’s probably not a “cinema” movie, and upon reflection, I would probably be more likely to watch it on DVD whilst having my feet gently rubbed with Arnica Oil. It’s an entertaining 2 hours though, and is possibly a good film to watch on a date, if you’re not in the mood to see a clichéd romantic comedy starring Mark Ruffalo or Hugh Grant.

Law Abiding Citizen scores a Steve-O rating of 3.

You Haven’t Watched It Yet? Do It Now.

Spock and James T Kirk: Wat kyk jy? (What you looking at?)

So, after watching Wolverine recently and feeling a little, well, meh, we decided to go and see the new Star Trek movie, which we had mentioned a while back when we were all still friends. They had been pushing Star Trek pretty hard these last few months and, although certainly not a die hard Trekkie fan, I was eagerly looking forward to seeing it, they way a young man might look forward to having sex with an attractive older woman, who has a husband who is always up in Johannesburg on business, and who longs for young, firm flesh.

And so, with all my chores out the way, The Girlfriend agreed to give me an advance in my allowance money, and off we went to go and see the flick.

As mentioned, I’m not overtly familiar with all the previous movies, the numerous spin-off series’ and the various comic books which make up the Star Trek universe. I was just hoping to be entertained with a solid story, get taken in by some action and special effects, and catch a glimpse of the chick who plays Uhura’s boobies.

… I just reread that last bit. Just to clarify, there wasn’t a chick playing the ROLE of Uhura’s breasts. What I meant was, I wanted to catch a glimpse of the boobies of the actress PLAYING Uhura. (I had a crush on her ever since her role in “Guess Who“, alongside Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac, who is dead now.)

So, what did I think of Star Trek?

• Gripping story – Check. It wasn’t your usual special effect-laden movie with a paper thin plot. The story was engaging, and kept our attention throughout. It was also fairly well paced, with no lulls where you find yourself wondering whether The Girlfriend will put out later that evening if you take her for dinner.
• Action and special effects – Check. It’s 2009, so the special effects in comparison to previous Star Trek movies is cranked way up. The ship looks awesome, the space battle looked authentic, and the action scenes left me sitting there with just a hint of a semi, which is all you’re asking for from an action scene at the end of the day.
• Glimpse of breasts – Sadly, this was not forthcoming, although there was a decent enough scene with this green alien which briefly left me pondering whether I would sleep with a green chick. (I’m in the “maybe after a few beers” camp)

All in all, we were pretty blown away by the film. It’s not just aimed at your die-hard Star Trek fan, but for the mainstream audience who don’t know shit about the whole backstory. (It basically starts from right at the beginning, before James T Kirt becomes the captain of the Starship Enterprise, where he is just a bit of a dick trying to get by).

Seriously, I’m not going to go over the plot details or any shit like that. If you’re looking for a good time, and you don’t mind watching space ships and lasers go off, then go and see Star Trek, you will be pleasantly surprised

If that doesn’t sway you, be sure to check out the latest trailer for the movie. (I couldn’t embed it here, because YouTube were being dicks about it)

Star Trek scores a Steve-O rating of 4.

Oakes signing off.

Mmm, Not So Sure About This One.

Wolverine - Enjoying A Lovely Hot Bath.

I had been looking forward to watching Wolverine for months now and, after satisfying The Girlfriend for the fourth time on Sunday, she eventually decided that we could go and watch it. 110 minutes later, (give or take 10 minutes on the road, with an additional 5 minutes of heavy petting in the car park) I walked out the cinema feeling a little underwhelmed.

Before I get into that though, let’s take a look at the trailer:

Wolverine is a decent enough film, with lots of special effects, explosions, and passable action scenes. A few things really annoyed me however, things which I will know share with you in bullet point fashion:

• Cliched scenes – The slow motion, expressionless walk away from an explosion is SO 1995. Seriously, couldn’t you think of something smarter than that? Also, looking up to the sky and screaming when someone dies is a bit of a copout when you need to do an emotional scene. Even worse, this happened twice in the movie. Twice.
• Too much Wolverine – The movie is 110 minutes long, and Wolverine is in about 105 of them. There were no discernible sub plots, we basically spent the entire movie watching Wolverine extract his revenge.
• That Bathroom Scene – By and large the special effects were okay, but there is ONE scene where Wolverine is in someone’s bathroom. Have a look at it, and tell me that the special effects didn’t look a little kak. Let’s just say that someone was being very naughty during editing, and didn’t notice that Logan’s claws looked like cartoon animation.

If this movie was a chick, it would undoubtedly be Nicky Hilton. Sure, she is reasonably hot, and you will probably enjoy 110 minutes in her company, but would you really take her over Paris?

Exactly.

Nicky Hilton - The chick equivalent of Wolverine.

All in all it’s a mild to average film, which could have been a whole lot better. The plot is one dimensional, some of the acting is a little mediocre at best, and there are a bunch of characters needlessly thrown into the mix, who don’t offer anything of substance, besides giving comic geeks some hefty erections. (ie: the inclusion of Gambit and Deadpool in the movie)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine, scores a Steve-O rating of 3.

Shaun Is Disturbed By Dr Manhattan’s Blue Winky.

Dr Manhattan From The Watchmen. Naked.

It had been a while since we had a decent movie review. Sure, we tried watching Slumdog Millionaire the other day, but had to switch off the pirated DVD, after The Girlfriend took a disliking to the scene where they burn that cute laaitie’s eyes out.

There were no cute little Indian kids in Watchmen, so I was fairly confident we could sit through it without any discomfort. What I didn’t make provision for however, was the presence of Dr Manhattan, and his blue winky which kept being shoved in my face.

Guys, was this really necessary? Couldn't he just wear some underpants?

For those not familiar with the film, Dr Manhattan is created when the scientist Jon Osterman get’s caught in a dangerous molecular experiment, it destroys him into millions of particles, and he is then reformed as Dr Manhattan, a bald, blue, muscular guy with supernatural powers, who INSISTS on walking around naked.

On top of the slightly unnecessary male nudity, the movie itself was pretty, well, “meh”. It’s not your typical super hero flick, let’s put it that way. Not your typical popcorn entertainment extravaganza, the film is about 2hrs 40 minutes long, and it’s mostly drippy dialogue. Sure, there are one or two awesome fight scenes, and a memorable sex scene with that chick from Harold and Kumar – you know the one, Freakshow’s wife? – yeah that one.

I don’t know, I left the cinema feeling that it could have been a LOT better. In case you’re not up to speed, this is based on a critically celebrated graphic novel, about a group of regular joes who were once “superheroes” but have since been banned from doing this in public – it’s a bit like The Incredibles actually, except it’s obviously more adult orientated.

I’m not going to harp on about the plot lines, themes etc. On a basically superficial level, I went in expecting a special effects laden blockbuster. I didn’t get that, which is fine, but then the earlier trailers shouldn’t have made it seem as if it was.

Watchmen scores a Steve-O rating of 2.5.