Alice: In Wonderland. Supposedly.

So the other day I went and saw Alice In Wonderland, the new film by Tim Burton and Johnny Depp. It was in 3D, and I was hoping for a trippy story, slightly scary, with werid vivid images as imagined by a warped character such as Tim Burton. I’m also a big fan of Depp and I think he is a pretty cool guy, someone I could have a beer with and not feel awkward that I’m having a beer with Johnny Depp.

Unfortunately, this film did not do it for me, and here is why:

• Meh special effects – This movie had a $200 million dollar budget, and it was in 3D. How come I felt so underwhelmed by the special effects? I don’t really know, to be honest. Maybe watching Avatar really heightened my expectations for movies now. Maybe the novelty of 3D has now worn off on me? Or maybe, the special effects on Alice is just not that breathtaking? Difficult to pin point, but it did not blow me away. Not even gently. Adequate would be the most apt description for me.
• So so storyline – This was meant to be a completely original story and serve as a sequel for the original story. (Alice has grown up considerably) Story felt flat and very drawn out to me. She is basically called back to Underland to kill the Jabberwocky (it’s a dragon). That’s the plot, and they have just padded things up to take it to 2 hours.
• Johnny Depp is annoying – Incredibly annoying. As mentioned, I am usually a fan, but am I the only one who found the Mad Hatter really irritating? He was meant to be one of the good guys, but I found myself rooting for those deck-of-card soldiers, secretly hoping one of them would spear him in the eye. His annoying on-again, off-again Scottish accent got tired very quickly, and when he does this silly little dance near the end I wanted to run up to the screen and punch him in the throat. I know it was only the screen and he would not really feel it, but I wanted to do it anyway just the same.

So yeah, I don’t want to come across as overly critical of the movie, but this should just be looked at as a balance to all the other people who seem to be creaming themselves over this movie. I thought it was “okay”, and not something I would really want to see again.

Alice In Wonderland scores a Steve-O rating of 2.5.

Oakes signing off.

Avatar - As Really Seen By Shaun

So, after months of trying to watch this movie in 3D, wanting to get decent seats in the process, we eventually managed to see Avatar.

Due to all the media hype around this movie, I was understandably concerned that it had been built up heavily, to the point where I would leave the cinema disappointed. Counting in its favour however, was the fact that I had not watched a 3D movie before, and so would be pretty open to the spectacle.

So, did it live up the hype?

That would be a yes, capitan.

The special effects, as you would come to expect, is simply mind blowing. Make no mistake, this is pure escapist fun. In many instances, you lose yourself and it feels as if you are literally in Pandora. James Cameron reportedly spent 10 years developing the technology used to film Avatar, and first impressions are that he didn’t spend the time jacking off, to porn but that it was rather time – and significant money no doubt – well spent. So from a visual point of view, hands down, this is epic and a real spectacle.

The plot is where a lot of critics have taken shots at the film, but to be fair, I didn’t think it was too bad. Sure, it’s fairly cliche and it doesn’t take rocket science to work out where the film is going. At the end of the day though, you are not going in there expecting to see a whodunnit or a psychological thriller filled with twists and turns. It’s a sci-fi film, with a fairly standard plot, you’ve seen it in Star Wars, Star Trek etc, and you know what you are going to get.

You will of course have noticed that I haven’t mentioned the actual storyline, which is a deliberate ploy on my part as by now, everyone should know what the film is about.

I am usually pretty cynical when it comes to overly hyped films, but I thoroughly enjoyed this one. The Girlfriend seemed to enjoy it as well, and even let me feel her up thereafter, which is usually a sign that she is content and satisfied.

Do yourself a favour and go and see Avatar. Two months since being released in South Africa, it’s still playing to full theatres so you may well battle to get decent seats, but this is one of those films you simply have to go and see. In 3D.

Avatar scores a Steve-O rating of 4.

Oakes signing off.

Sherlock Holmes: Reviewed by Shaun.

I have already mentioned my long running battle to see Avatar, including many near misses before actually getting to see it, which we will discuss soon. It was during one of these near misses however, that we decided to watch Sherlock Holmes, the modern remake starring Robert Downey Jnr and Jude Law, and directed by Guy Ritchie, the director famous for making British gangster films, and for having had sex with Madonna on a regular basis.

Warner Brothers are keen to turn this into a highly profitable franchise, and have clearly spent a considerable sum of money marketing this movie, even going so far as to create a Sherlock Holmes online game.

So did the movie live up to the hype?

The simple answer is yes. And no.

Yes from a purely cinematic entertainment point of view. If you are looking to spend two hours chilling in the cinema, munching on some popcorn and just having some fun, then this is a movie to see. It’s not too taxing on the brain, will keep you entertained and interested with a fast moving plot, and has the right amount of humour, action and special effects to keep the baying masses happy.

Robert Downey Jnr’s Sherlock has a great rapport with Jude Law’s Watson, and there is certainly some chemistry there, almost to the point of a homosexual attraction. I haven’t seen that much blatant male on male sexual flirtation since Frodo Baggins and Samwise in the Lord of the Rings.

It works though, and you are quickly drawn in by the rogueish charm of Sherlock, perfectly complimented by the rugged, strong character of Watson.

There are times when Robert Downey Jnr’s British accent can be difficult to understand, but other than that the performances are pretty well polished throughout the cast, from Mark Strong’s dark characterisation of Lord Blackwood, to Rachel McAdams American heroine, Irene Adler.

So what wasn’t great about Sherlock Holmes?

The mystery element left me feeling a little unsatisfied. The ending didn’t leave me with that “ah ha!” moment you get when you realise how something was achieved at the end of a suspenseful film. Rather, it left me bemused and slightly disappointed with the outcome. Not to give away the plot, but there are heavy doses of what could perhaps be described as sci fi, or at least the use of too-modern-for-its-time technology, in the explanations of how Lord Blackwood was able to do what he did.

Taking that away though, Sherlock Holmes is still an entertaining romp, and a pretty good way to spend 2 hours of your time.

Sherlock Holmes scores a Steve-O rating of 3.

Oakes signing off.

Avatar - As Seen By Shaun

So I went to go see Avatar the other day, and let me just say, “Wow“. I had eavesdropped on many people talking about the movie and how great the special effects were, but I was still left amazed by James Cameron. The special effects were really awesome. And blue.

I liked the blue people, the Nav… Navel… Nav’i? Whatever. They were really good and… lifelike, and… cool.

The action scenes were pretty good as well. And the acting was also quite good. The directing was really good too. And the storyline was good. Oh and the 3D? Yes, that was also good.

So yeah, all in all I would give this a Steve O rating of 5, which is the highest Steve O rating ever.

The end.

…

Sniff.

Mmm?

What was that?

You think my review was weak and vague?

You’re implying I didn’t actually see Avatar?

How dare you, I am really offended by that. You have insulted my integrity.

Hey?

Why are you asking me about the ending now? I know the ending, I saw it. Don’t try and catch me out.

…

Okay, FINE – I DIDN’T really see Avatar yet. You got me, well done, give yourself a hand.

What? You HAVEN'T Seen Us Yet?!?

How can I watch it though? Every time I try and book a ticket, it’s completely sold out. I’ve tried Cavendish and Canal Walk (the only two cinemas who have it in 3D – I don’t see the point in watching it in 2D at the Labia theatre. That would be an epic fail)

However, despite it now being more than a month since it opened, I am still greeted by the following screen:

Avatar - Sold Out. Again.

I usually hate having to sit in a full cinema, as I hate other people, and usually will go and see a film just before it ends its run in theatres. (remind me to post my latest movie review on The Hangover – it’s a beaut)

However, I’m going to have to make an exception here – I pretty much just want to get to see the film in this life time, preferably from a middle seat near the back though.

So if you have been lucky enough to see the film, was it as good as the hype suggests?

Should I bring along a fresh pants? (I’ve been told that the sheer awesomeness of the special effects will have me shitting myself)

Can anyone confirm this?

Oakes signing off.

Law Abiding Citizen - Jamie Foxx getting intimate with Gerard Butler.

It was a Tuesday, and to celebrate it, The Girlfriend and I decided to head off to the Nu Metro at the V&A Waterfront to watch a movie.

“Inglorious Basterds” was an option, but The Girlfriend has a famously low tolerance to violence on screen (we had to turn off “Slumdog Millionaire” during the scene when the one kid has his eyes burned), and so settled for something more PG 13 instead.

“Law Abiding Citizen” stars Jamie Foxx and Gerard Butler, and is about a family man, played by Butler, who witnesses his family get tortured and killed by a bunch of thugs who break into his home. Instead of having the perpetrators rot in jail, he is gutted to find that Jame Foxx, a district attorney, has cut a deal with one of them. Butler then plots his revenge on both the killers, as well as the district attorney and the justice system in general, who he believes f**ked him around.

What follows is a well crafted revenge thriller, as Butler plot a number of elaborate ways to kill his adversaries. It’s an entertaining little flick, not too violent or taxing on the brain, and definitely worth a watch.

Jamie Foxx stars in his first decent film in quite some time, and Butler also delivers his best movie performance since playing King Leonidas in “300”.

It’s probably not a “cinema” movie, and upon reflection, I would probably be more likely to watch it on DVD whilst having my feet gently rubbed with Arnica Oil. It’s an entertaining 2 hours though, and is possibly a good film to watch on a date, if you’re not in the mood to see a clichéd romantic comedy starring Mark Ruffalo or Hugh Grant.

Law Abiding Citizen scores a Steve-O rating of 3.

Spock and James T Kirk: Wat kyk jy? (What you looking at?)

So, after watching Wolverine recently and feeling a little, well, meh, we decided to go and see the new Star Trek movie, which we had mentioned a while back when we were all still friends. They had been pushing Star Trek pretty hard these last few months and, although certainly not a die hard Trekkie fan, I was eagerly looking forward to seeing it, they way a young man might look forward to having sex with an attractive older woman, who has a husband who is always up in Johannesburg on business, and who longs for young, firm flesh.

And so, with all my chores out the way, The Girlfriend agreed to give me an advance in my allowance money, and off we went to go and see the flick.

As mentioned, I’m not overtly familiar with all the previous movies, the numerous spin-off series’ and the various comic books which make up the Star Trek universe. I was just hoping to be entertained with a solid story, get taken in by some action and special effects, and catch a glimpse of the chick who plays Uhura’s boobies.

… I just reread that last bit. Just to clarify, there wasn’t a chick playing the ROLE of Uhura’s breasts. What I meant was, I wanted to catch a glimpse of the boobies of the actress PLAYING Uhura. (I had a crush on her ever since her role in “Guess Who“, alongside Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac, who is dead now.)

So, what did I think of Star Trek?

• Gripping story – Check. It wasn’t your usual special effect-laden movie with a paper thin plot. The story was engaging, and kept our attention throughout. It was also fairly well paced, with no lulls where you find yourself wondering whether The Girlfriend will put out later that evening if you take her for dinner.
• Action and special effects – Check. It’s 2009, so the special effects in comparison to previous Star Trek movies is cranked way up. The ship looks awesome, the space battle looked authentic, and the action scenes left me sitting there with just a hint of a semi, which is all you’re asking for from an action scene at the end of the day.
• Glimpse of breasts – Sadly, this was not forthcoming, although there was a decent enough scene with this green alien which briefly left me pondering whether I would sleep with a green chick. (I’m in the “maybe after a few beers” camp)

All in all, we were pretty blown away by the film. It’s not just aimed at your die-hard Star Trek fan, but for the mainstream audience who don’t know shit about the whole backstory. (It basically starts from right at the beginning, before James T Kirt becomes the captain of the Starship Enterprise, where he is just a bit of a dick trying to get by).

Seriously, I’m not going to go over the plot details or any shit like that. If you’re looking for a good time, and you don’t mind watching space ships and lasers go off, then go and see Star Trek, you will be pleasantly surprised

If that doesn’t sway you, be sure to check out the latest trailer for the movie. (I couldn’t embed it here, because YouTube were being dicks about it)

Star Trek scores a Steve-O rating of 4.

Oakes signing off.

Wolverine - Enjoying A Lovely Hot Bath.

I had been looking forward to watching Wolverine for months now and, after satisfying The Girlfriend for the fourth time on Sunday, she eventually decided that we could go and watch it. 110 minutes later, (give or take 10 minutes on the road, with an additional 5 minutes of heavy petting in the car park) I walked out the cinema feeling a little underwhelmed.

Before I get into that though, let’s take a look at the trailer:

Wolverine is a decent enough film, with lots of special effects, explosions, and passable action scenes. A few things really annoyed me however, things which I will know share with you in bullet point fashion:

• Cliched scenes – The slow motion, expressionless walk away from an explosion is SO 1995. Seriously, couldn’t you think of something smarter than that? Also, looking up to the sky and screaming when someone dies is a bit of a copout when you need to do an emotional scene. Even worse, this happened twice in the movie. Twice.
• Too much Wolverine – The movie is 110 minutes long, and Wolverine is in about 105 of them. There were no discernible sub plots, we basically spent the entire movie watching Wolverine extract his revenge.
• That Bathroom Scene – By and large the special effects were okay, but there is ONE scene where Wolverine is in someone’s bathroom. Have a look at it, and tell me that the special effects didn’t look a little kak. Let’s just say that someone was being very naughty during editing, and didn’t notice that Logan’s claws looked like cartoon animation.

If this movie was a chick, it would undoubtedly be Nicky Hilton. Sure, she is reasonably hot, and you will probably enjoy 110 minutes in her company, but would you really take her over Paris?

Exactly.

Nicky Hilton - The chick equivalent of Wolverine.

All in all it’s a mild to average film, which could have been a whole lot better. The plot is one dimensional, some of the acting is a little mediocre at best, and there are a bunch of characters needlessly thrown into the mix, who don’t offer anything of substance, besides giving comic geeks some hefty erections. (ie: the inclusion of Gambit and Deadpool in the movie)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine, scores a Steve-O rating of 3.

Dr Manhattan From The Watchmen. Naked.

It had been a while since we had a decent movie review. Sure, we tried watching Slumdog Millionaire the other day, but had to switch off the pirated DVD, after The Girlfriend took a disliking to the scene where they burn that cute laaitie’s eyes out.

There were no cute little Indian kids in Watchmen, so I was fairly confident we could sit through it without any discomfort. What I didn’t make provision for however, was the presence of Dr Manhattan, and his blue winky which kept being shoved in my face.

Guys, was this really necessary? Couldn't he just wear some underpants?

For those not familiar with the film, Dr Manhattan is created when the scientist Jon Osterman get’s caught in a dangerous molecular experiment, it destroys him into millions of particles, and he is then reformed as Dr Manhattan, a bald, blue, muscular guy with supernatural powers, who INSISTS on walking around naked.

On top of the slightly unnecessary male nudity, the movie itself was pretty, well, “meh”. It’s not your typical super hero flick, let’s put it that way. Not your typical popcorn entertainment extravaganza, the film is about 2hrs 40 minutes long, and it’s mostly drippy dialogue. Sure, there are one or two awesome fight scenes, and a memorable sex scene with that chick from Harold and Kumar – you know the one, Freakshow’s wife? – yeah that one.

I don’t know, I left the cinema feeling that it could have been a LOT better. In case you’re not up to speed, this is based on a critically celebrated graphic novel, about a group of regular joes who were once “superheroes” but have since been banned from doing this in public – it’s a bit like The Incredibles actually, except it’s obviously more adult orientated.

I’m not going to harp on about the plot lines, themes etc. On a basically superficial level, I went in expecting a special effects laden blockbuster. I didn’t get that, which is fine, but then the earlier trailers shouldn’t have made it seem as if it was.

Watchmen scores a Steve-O rating of 2.5.

James Bond: Wearing too tight pants. Not cool.

The Girlfriend wanted to do something romantic the other night, so I decided to take her to Canal Walk to watch Quantum of Solace, the new James Bond flick. Once she eventually came to terms with the fact that dinner that night would comprise of Panarotti’s pizza and a glass of orange Fanta, she released her grip on my scrotum, and we settled down for the movie.

Quantum of Solace apparently picks up straight after where Casino Royale ended. Unfortunately I missed the ending of that film, as I had borrowed someone’s car that day, and needed to return it before he noticed it was missing from his car dealership. (long story)

So anyhoo, I was shocked to find out that the chick Bond was tapping in the first movie, Vesper Lynd, had died mysteriously at the hands of a, well, mysterious and no doubt evil agency. The gist of the movie comprises agent 007 trying to find out who exactly was responsible, and kill them for the inconvenience they caused him, as I suspected he wanted one more go with Vesper before ditching her.

The movie will no doubt please all James Bond fans, with the standard car chases, explosions and the now obligatory topless scene with Daniel Craig for the ladies.

Strangely enough, James Bond doesn’t get to sleep with the sidekick chick who tails him in this movie, although she could easily be the hottest Bond girl for the last 10 years. I forget the name now, but she is a Russian who looks like she could snap your neck with her killer thighs. She really is a stunner, probably the sexiest character since Famke Jansen and her killer legs. (Mmm, who else just got a semi thinking about that? No? Okay, moving on then.)

Many people have said that this movie was pretty pants, without elaborating on why. Sure, it wasn’t as character driven as Casino Royale, but it wasn’t as special effects laden as some of the past James Bond films either, with the invisible car and that sort of ridiculous poppycock that Pierce Brosnan had to put up with.

All in all, the film was a pretty decent effort for what it was – an entertaining cinematic action romp. The movie also serves as a setup for future battles with a group of baddies called Quantum (which is briefly mentioned at the end, it’s just a throwaway line in the movie, so don’t start bitching about me giving away spoilers or anything.) Don’t be shy to check out Quantum of Solace when you have a chance.

Quantum of Solace scores a Steve-O rating of 3.5.

Tropic Thunder - Come Get Some.

It was movie night, and The Girlfriend and I were in the mood for a comedy. The last time we had a good chuckle at the cinema was when we saw the trailer for “Hansie”, just before the screening of The Dark Knight, and we were in the mood for similar belly laughs.

Thus, we decided to check out Tropic Thunder, the new flick starring Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jnr. The basic plot revolves around a group of pampered Hollywood actors filming a war movie, who end up in the middle of a jungle in south-east Asia, and find themselves in a real-life war situation.

This isn’t your standard Will Ferrel type comedy though. The humour doesn’t jump up at you, it’s more understated, and gently mocks various genres and industries. I think it’s what is referred to as a “satire”, NOT to be confused with a spoof – like those shitty “Epic Movies” that come out every few months. The dialogue is clever and witty, and you will need to have a bit of a brain to get some of the jokes.

Tropic Thunder is also an action film, I wouldn’t really describe it as a full on comedy. In fact, yes, I would actually describe it as an action comedy like… like… okay, I can’t actually think of a suitable example right now but you should get my drift.

It’s an action film with large dollops of humour firmly shoved up it’s arse. Ben Stiller plays the typical Hollywood blockbuster star called “Tug Speedman”, who’s career is dying a slow death and desperately needs another hit movie. A bit like Vin Diesel, but with hair.

Robert Downey Jnr plays a five time Oscar winner called Kurt (or Kirk?) Lazarus, a blonde blue eyed Australian. He is also a hardcore method actor who is playing the role of a black guy. He pisses everyone off though by insisting on staying in character throughout.

Jack Black is a Hollywood comedian who is trying his hand at a more dramatic movie. He usually makes his money through crass, toilet humour films where he plays multiple characters and farts for laughs. (If you’re not sure about the real-life actor his character is mocking, I will give you a hint – it rhymes with Teddy Smurphy)

Anyhoo, I liked the movie in that it satisfied me both from an action point of view, as well as providing me with laughs. Highlights of the film includes the opening, consisting of various fake trailers showing the respective stars in upcoming movies. There is the witty dialogue, with one memorable scene where they discuss how Hollywood critics only praise actors who play slightly retarded characters (ie: Rain Man, Forrest Gump) rather than those who go “full retard”.

There is also one surprising and hilarious cameo from an actor who proves that he doesn’t take himself as seriously as everyone thinks. Email me and I’ll tell you who it is.

So what didn’t we like about the film?

There are one or two “icky” or gory scenes which probably didn’t have to be there. At times, Downey Jnr, in his “black guy” voice, is difficult to understand. The Girlfriend also pointed out that it was very much a “Dick Flick” (the male equivalent of a Chick Flick) and in fact, I can’t recall actually seeing a woman in the entire movie.

All in all though, it’s an entertaining film that definitely has repeat viewing potential.

Tropic Thunder scores a Steve-O rating of 3.5.

Who Farted On The Starboard Side? All Clues Pointed To Captain Barbosa.

I remember when Kanye West came down for a concert in Cape Town last year. My friends literally shat themselves in excitement when they heard the news on the radio, which left me feeling slightly disgusted and resentful as this all occurred in my car, leaving me to take it away for a valet cleaning.

Nevertheless, I liked Kanye’s music, and in the ensuing months, also became increasingly excited, even going so far as to have his name tattooed on my derriere ( which I’ve since managed to remove with a combination of Dettol soap, a scour, and steely and determined resolve)

The concert arrived with much fanfare and I was left feeling……. well…… underwhelmed. Basically I had put too much buildup to the event and the concert, while good, still left me feeling a little flat.

I was left with similar feelings after watching “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End“, the other day. After the second film (Dead Man’s Chest) I was like a giddy little schoolkid, excitedly counting down the days till the new film arrived. The Girlfriend eventually got fed up, hiding away my Captain Jack Sparrow pyjamas and duvet set until I had calmed down, but the anticipation remained.

The film, while good, was not of the vintage I had come to expect. Something just didn’t feel right, there was a certain freshness which was lacking, although this is probably understandable seeing as it’s the third film in the series. (With a rumoured fourth on the way?) The flick was also overly long though, forcing me to miss my mom’s birthday, a friend’s wedding, Christmas day as well as my godson’s first steps.

All in all, the film was what you would come to expect from the series, with audacious battle scenes, back and forth backstabbing, and Johnny Depp mincing around. Keith Richards also has a brief cameo, as does Hakim Kae-Kazim (The Fresca guy)

Where Is Mel Gibson, And Why Are They Wearing Pants?

It was movie time again, and I was excitedly looking forward to watching Spiderman 3, having put the poster up in the bedroom at The HQ for months beforehand. The Girlfriend though, was not up for it and lobbied for an alternative flick, so we settled the argument in the age old tradition – with a fearsome game of “Ching Chong Cha” (Paper Rock Scissors).

Sadly for me, The Girlfriend happens to be an incredibly gifted player, having made the regional finals for 6 years running.

She easily defeated me, leaving her with the enviable position of Grand Movie Chooser. She duly chose “The King Of Scotland“, starring Forrest Whittaker as the king of Scotland, who went by the name of Idi Amin. Although Scottish, Idi was black and so had to put up with a lot of shit from racist British forces who wanted a white guy to rule. Idi slowly started losing his mind, killing and maiming anyone who pissed him off, even people he didn’t really know, but didn’t like the look of all the same.

The movie plays out like a thriller, shown through the eyes of a young Scottish doctor, who is Amin’s friend at first but slowly realises that he would be better off far far away, especially after humping Idi’s wife. (Incidently, he also gets to make out with Scully from the X-Files. Yes, she is also in the movie. As a blonde)

The film was quite gory at times, one scene in particular which literally caused my eyeballs to pop out, leading me to blindly search for them in the dark for a few minutes, and causing me to miss some of the plot. All in all I found it rather engaging though, much better than the shockingly mediocre Babel, although obviously not as heart-pumpingly spectacular as 300.

I would compare this movie to a Kentucky Fried Chicken rounder. You go there to have a bite to eat, more or less knowing what to expect and just going through the motions. Then your taste buds hits the Colonel’s secret sauce and you realise that you are actually quit fond of KFC and wonder why you haven’t been in ages.

…I’m not saying that I’d watch the movie again, but…. actually I’m having a KFC burger at the moment and just felt compelled to include it in there somewhere. I haven’t had KFC in ages and I forgot how good it can be. I’ve literally got a boner right now from the Colonel’s secret sauce, that’s how good it is. You’re reading something written by a guy who currently has a massive erection. How special do you feel right now?

A Scene From The Movie “300″

Attending a catholic primary school in the early 90′s, I quickly learnt that violence is the best way to solve any problem. 
 

“Diplomacy is for Devil Worshippers and Communists”, bellowed old Sister Mary Clarence, an old bird incredibly intollerant toward devil worshipers and communists, and so many debates would be settled on the hallowed tarred playgrounds of one of Jesus’s holy schools. 

I was lead to recall these heady days as I watched 300 with The Girlfriend the other day. 
 

Let me make this very clear – 300 is an awesome movie. My mouth was literally watering as I watched this at the cinema. The Girlfriend eventually had to help me put my bib on, that’s how much this film made me drool.
 

It’s essentially a comic book or graphic novel film, like a Batman or Superman Returns, except that it’s infinitely better. The basic plot revolves around 300 Spartans who come from a place called Sparta. They are left to defend their lands from horrible, evil Persians, who try and take over with their trickery and dishonest ways. This all stems because the Spartan king is a total badass, and refuses to get down on his knees for a smug Persian messenger, deciding instead to kick him down a large black hole. This obviously pisses off the Persian ruler, as the messenger was a mate of his and a good drinking partner. And so the film kicks into gear, with audacious battle scenes, tough guy one-liners and a little bit of gratuitous nudity. 

Think MTV meets Troy, and you will get the idea of what this film is about – epic style-cinema filmed in a backdrop of sharp CGI and banging rock music. (The 300 DVD will probably kick ass as well. In fact, yes, I am totally buying the DVD of this film.)
 

Another strong point of this film is the lack of real A-list movie stars, which in this case is a blessing because having someone like Tom Cruise in a loin cloth as the fearless Spartan king would have killed this movie. The cast members chosen are all really buff, which made me feel a little inadequte as a man, forcing The Girlfriend to reassure me that I was just as ripped as the Spartans were.

I’m not going to give away any more of this plot. Go and see 300. Do it now, you will thank me for it.

Kramer From Seinfeld Looks On As The Muslim Guy Gets A Beatdown

I normally make a point not to watch Oscar winning films. I remember watching “Million Dollar Baby” a couple of years back, the multi-award winning film which was so boring I ended up drowning my goldfish Lawrence, which wasn’t a bad thing in the end because I later found out he had been spreading horrible rumours about me behind my back.

So it was with slight trepidation that I ended up watching “Babel” which had been critically acclaimed. It also starred Brad Pitt so it couldn’t be that bad, right?

Well, as soon as The Girlfriend and I left the theatre afterwards, I attacked her with the fatal Five-Point-Palm Exploding Heart Technique. She had chosen this awful movie and by God she was going to pay. She saw the attack coming though, and expertly blocked my attempts to make her heart stop beating. Then she stomped on my foot with one of her iron-tipped boots, instantly winning the battle and crushing my favourite middle toe at the same time.

I’m not exaggerating though, Babel is an absolute shocker.

It was dreadfully long, incredibly drawn out, and ever so slightly pretentious and full of itself. The basic plot? Let’s see – there’s a little Muslim kid who jerks off to his sister, he shoots Cate Blanchett, who is pissed off at Brad Pitt for looking really old and haggard (four kids does that to you Brad. Guess you’re regretting dumping Jennifer now, huh?) Meanwhile some old Mexican woman is running around the desert with two annoying white kids, while a deaf Japanese chick is running around Tokyo desperately trying to get laid.

That’s really the gist of it. Somehow all their stories are interconnected but in the end you honestly don’t really give a f**k. This film is right up there with the “English Patient” and “Million Dollar Baby” as undeservedly acclaimed movies. I wasn’t expecting gratuitous nudity, excessive violence or toilet humour (although Cate does piss in her pants) but the film could at least have been mildly interesting.

This film is a bit like eating at the Dros, you see all the adverts and you think it’s great and you’ll go “bos”, but once you take a bite of one of their steaks, you realise that their food actually sucks.

Jack And Leo Have A Quiet Drink.

I normally make a point not to watch Oscar winning films. I remember watching “The English Patient” a few years back, the multi-award winning film which was so boring I ended up gnawing my arm off, which wasn’t a bad thing in the end because I had been born with three arms and had endured many years of ridicule because of it.

So it was with slight trepidation that I ended up watching “The Departed” which earned director Martin Scorsese his golden gong. I had enjoyed “Goodfellas” and “Raging Bull“, but wasn’t impressed with “Gangs of New York” and didn’t bother seeing “The Aviator” either. Why am I mentioning those films, you ask? Because they were all directed by Martin Scorsese, that’s why.

So anyhoo, myself, Steve O and the pimple on Steve O’s nose (Brian) went to see the flick, which had been out for ages and will probably be on Mnet next week, that’s how long it took us to get around to seeing it. Starring Leonard Di Caprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Martin Sheen, a Baldwin brother (They all look alike these days) and probably most of the not-quite-A-list male actors in Hollywood (besides Mark Wahlberg – oh, wait) the film centres around two main characters played by Messrs Di Caprio and Damon.

Whilst Mr Di Caprio is a cop undercover as a Irish thug, Mr Damon is an Irish thug undercover as a cop. Clever, hey? They find out about each other’s existence and the film then plays out like a cat-and-mouse as they try and find one another. I thought the film was brilliant, so did Steve O, and so did the pimple on Steve O’s nose (Brian).

It was gripping and quite tense at times, I was dripping with sweat during the some of the scenes – and that wasn’t just because of my glandular problem. As you would expect, the film is quite gory and bloodily violent, which is what you would want from the gangster genre. In fact, this film is basically right up there with “Goodfellas“, “The Godfather” and other gangster related films. (In my humble opinion anyway)

If you haven’t seen it yet, go out and watch it, I recommend it, Steve O recommends it, and Brian, the pimple on Steve O’s nose, recommends it too.

Let's All Give Them A Hand.

As everyone knows, Tuesday is Movie Night, and the other night The Girlfriend and I went to catch Little Miss Sunshine. This film has been receiving rave reviews from critics everywhere and so understandably I was a little hesitant to go and see it, as my movie tastes tend to go against popular critical convention. (To this day I am still pissed that Van Wilder never received the Oscar nomination I felt the movie rightly deserved)

Although my favoured brand of comedy tends to fall under the lowbrow toilet humour variety, I found this film incredibly funny. The jokes are not thrown in your face, and a lot of it derives from the awkward human interaction between an excellent cast. This includes Greg Kinnear, as an unintentionally cruel yet loving father determined not be tainted with the unwanted brush of “loser”. Steve Carell also gives a stellar performance as an incredibly sarcastic gay uncle, who can’t be left alone because of a recently developed habit of trying to kill himself.

The movie revolves around a dysfunctional family, of which Kinnear is the patriarch, who must travel 600 miles to a child beauty pageant for the sake of the little girl in the family, a chubby little 8 year old whose name escapes me now. (and I don’t feel like looking it up on IMDB.com – oh wait, her name is Abigail Breslin)

It’s essentially a road trip movie, where the family – who initially hate one another – bands and bonds together during the long and arduous trip, resulting in a hilarious and entertaining final segment which literally had me choking on my popcorn. All in all, a very entertaining little film. Go in without any preconceived ideas and you will leave the cinema with a smile on your face, unless you actually intended on watching Rocky Balboa, and ended up in the wrong theatre, then you wouldn’t be too happy I guess.

Alfred Chats To Wolverine, As Scarlett Looks On.

As everyone knows, Tuesday is Movie Night, and the other night The Girlfriend and I went to catch The Prestige. I had read a lot of good press about this, I had enjoyed director Christopher Nolan’s previous film, Memento. I also like Batman and Wolverine, and I’ve got a soft spot for Michael Caine, who is like the eccentric old British neighbour everyone wishes they had.

The film is interesting in that it shows you another side of the magician’s world, behind the curtain. I always thought of magicians as lovable old people who smelt of copper and cabbage. This film shows that there is more to the Magnificent Marvin and his friends than meets the eye.

The plot centres around Batman (Christian Bale) and Wolverine (Hugh Jackman), two feuding magicians who spend years, well, feuding. The film held my attention and there was a tense build up to the finale but the ending left me feeling a little flat. I kind of picked up on the big twist halfway through and was left a little disappointed that there was no surprise waiting for me. Sigh, I guess that’s what happens when you’re really smart and intellectual like I are smart and intellectual.

I would compare this film to a McDonalds quarter pounder (with cheese). You will probably enjoy it, but at the end you will still feel hungry. Or maybe I’m just a pig.

Blood Diamond - But What Are They Staring At?

As everyone knows, Tuesday is Movie Night, and the other night me and The Girlfriend (sorry, The Girlfriend and I) went to catch Blood Diamond. Not usually a big Leonardo DiCaprio fan but I had heard some good things from people I trust, and so went along with an open mind. After watching it, let me say, believe the hype. In fact, to steal a line from The 40-Year-Old-Virgin:” I always thought that Leonardo DiCaprio was like a Streisand, but he’s rocking the shit in this one!”

He plays a total badass by the name of Danny Archer, or “Denny Orcher” as he calls himself, in his near flawless South African accent. The movie can best be described as an action flick with a conscience. It centres around conflict diamonds, specifically a rare and valuable “pink diamond”. I didn’t really know much about conflict diamonds until that Kanye West song, “Diamonds Are Forever / Diamonds of Sierra Leonne”. This movie is also based in Sierra Leonne, which sounds like the real arsehole of Africa, with people seemingly getting their limbs chopped off on a daily basis. (Well, in the 90′s anyway, that’s when the movie is set)

DiCaprio is well supported by Djimon Hounsou, who plays a heroic father trying to find his son, as well as Jennifer Connelly, a goody-two-shoes American journalist who tags along for the ride. The movie is just over two hours long, but I was able to sit through it quite comfortably, even though I tend to have a short attention span, so that should tell you something. Do yourself a favour and check it out. It’s certainly no cinematic masterpiece like “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy” or “Old School”, but it’s worth a night out.