Not AS Shit As People Said It Was

James Bond: Wearing too tight pants. Not cool.

The Girlfriend wanted to do something romantic the other night, so I decided to take her to Canal Walk to watch Quantum of Solace, the new James Bond flick. Once she eventually came to terms with the fact that dinner that night would comprise of Panarotti’s pizza and a glass of orange Fanta, she released her grip on my scrotum, and we settled down for the movie.

Quantum of Solace apparently picks up straight after where Casino Royale ended. Unfortunately I missed the ending of that film, as I had borrowed someone’s car that day, and needed to return it before he noticed it was missing from his car dealership. (long story)

So anyhoo, I was shocked to find out that the chick Bond was tapping in the first movie, Vesper Lynd, had died mysteriously at the hands of a, well, mysterious and no doubt evil agency. The gist of the movie comprises agent 007 trying to find out who exactly was responsible, and kill them for the inconvenience they caused him, as I suspected he wanted one more go with Vesper before ditching her.

The movie will no doubt please all James Bond fans, with the standard car chases, explosions and the now obligatory topless scene with Daniel Craig for the ladies.

Strangely enough, James Bond doesn’t get to sleep with the sidekick chick who tails him in this movie, although she could easily be the hottest Bond girl for the last 10 years. I forget the name now, but she is a Russian who looks like she could snap your neck with her killer thighs. She really is a stunner, probably the sexiest character since Famke Jansen and her killer legs. (Mmm, who else just got a semi thinking about that? No? Okay, moving on then.)

Many people have said that this movie was pretty pants, without elaborating on why. Sure, it wasn’t as character driven as Casino Royale, but it wasn’t as special effects laden as some of the past James Bond films either, with the invisible car and that sort of ridiculous poppycock that Pierce Brosnan had to put up with.

All in all, the film was a pretty decent effort for what it was – an entertaining cinematic action romp. The movie also serves as a setup for future battles with a group of baddies called Quantum (which is briefly mentioned at the end, it’s just a throwaway line in the movie, so don’t start bitching about me giving away spoilers or anything.) Don’t be shy to check out Quantum of Solace when you have a chance.

Quantum of Solace scores a Steve-O rating of 3.5.

Ben Stiller’s New Movie

Tropic Thunder - Come Get Some.

It was movie night, and The Girlfriend and I were in the mood for a comedy. The last time we had a good chuckle at the cinema was when we saw the trailer for “Hansie”, just before the screening of The Dark Knight, and we were in the mood for similar belly laughs.

Thus, we decided to check out Tropic Thunder, the new flick starring Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jnr. The basic plot revolves around a group of pampered Hollywood actors filming a war movie, who end up in the middle of a jungle in south-east Asia, and find themselves in a real-life war situation.

This isn’t your standard Will Ferrel type comedy though. The humour doesn’t jump up at you, it’s more understated, and gently mocks various genres and industries. I think it’s what is referred to as a “satire”, NOT to be confused with a spoof – like those shitty “Epic Movies” that come out every few months. The dialogue is clever and witty, and you will need to have a bit of a brain to get some of the jokes.

Tropic Thunder is also an action film, I wouldn’t really describe it as a full on comedy. In fact, yes, I would actually describe it as an action comedy like… like… okay, I can’t actually think of a suitable example right now but you should get my drift.

It’s an action film with large dollops of humour firmly shoved up it’s arse. Ben Stiller plays the typical Hollywood blockbuster star called “Tug Speedman”, who’s career is dying a slow death and desperately needs another hit movie. A bit like Vin Diesel, but with hair.

Robert Downey Jnr plays a five time Oscar winner called Kurt (or Kirk?) Lazarus, a blonde blue eyed Australian. He is also a hardcore method actor who is playing the role of a black guy. He pisses everyone off though by insisting on staying in character throughout.

Jack Black is a Hollywood comedian who is trying his hand at a more dramatic movie. He usually makes his money through crass, toilet humour films where he plays multiple characters and farts for laughs. (If you’re not sure about the real-life actor his character is mocking, I will give you a hint – it rhymes with Teddy Smurphy)

Anyhoo, I liked the movie in that it satisfied me both from an action point of view, as well as providing me with laughs. Highlights of the film includes the opening, consisting of various fake trailers showing the respective stars in upcoming movies. There is the witty dialogue, with one memorable scene where they discuss how Hollywood critics only praise actors who play slightly retarded characters (ie: Rain Man, Forrest Gump) rather than those who go “full retard”.

There is also one surprising and hilarious cameo from an actor who proves that he doesn’t take himself as seriously as everyone thinks. Email me and I’ll tell you who it is.

So what didn’t we like about the film?

There are one or two “icky” or gory scenes which probably didn’t have to be there. At times, Downey Jnr, in his “black guy” voice, is difficult to understand. The Girlfriend also pointed out that it was very much a “Dick Flick” (the male equivalent of a Chick Flick) and in fact, I can’t recall actually seeing a woman in the entire movie.

All in all though, it’s an entertaining film that definitely has repeat viewing potential.

Tropic Thunder scores a Steve-O rating of 3.5.

Shaun Is Underwhelmed

Who Farted On The Starboard Side? All Clues Pointed To Captain Barbosa.

I remember when Kanye West came down for a concert in Cape Town last year. My friends literally shat themselves in excitement when they heard the news on the radio, which left me feeling slightly disgusted and resentful as this all occurred in my car, leaving me to take it away for a valet cleaning.

Nevertheless, I liked Kanye’s music, and in the ensuing months, also became increasingly excited, even going so far as to have his name tattooed on my derriere ( which I’ve since managed to remove with a combination of Dettol soap, a scour, and steely and determined resolve)

The concert arrived with much fanfare and I was left feeling……. well…… underwhelmed. Basically I had put too much buildup to the event and the concert, while good, still left me feeling a little flat.

I was left with similar feelings after watching “Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End“, the other day. After the second film (Dead Man’s Chest) I was like a giddy little schoolkid, excitedly counting down the days till the new film arrived. The Girlfriend eventually got fed up, hiding away my Captain Jack Sparrow pyjamas and duvet set until I had calmed down, but the anticipation remained.

The film, while good, was not of the vintage I had come to expect. Something just didn’t feel right, there was a certain freshness which was lacking, although this is probably understandable seeing as it’s the third film in the series. (With a rumoured fourth on the way?) The flick was also overly long though, forcing me to miss my mom’s birthday, a friend’s wedding, Christmas day as well as my godson’s first steps.

All in all, the film was what you would come to expect from the series, with audacious battle scenes, back and forth backstabbing, and Johnny Depp mincing around. Keith Richards also has a brief cameo, as does Hakim Kae-Kazim (The Fresca guy)

Confusion Reigns As Shaun Expects Another Braveheart.

Where Is Mel Gibson, And Why Are They Wearing Pants?

It was movie time again, and I was excitedly looking forward to watching Spiderman 3, having put the poster up in the bedroom at The HQ for months beforehand. The Girlfriend though, was not up for it and lobbied for an alternative flick, so we settled the argument in the age old tradition – with a fearsome game of “Ching Chong Cha” (Paper Rock Scissors).

Sadly for me, The Girlfriend happens to be an incredibly gifted player, having made the regional finals for 6 years running.

She easily defeated me, leaving her with the enviable position of Grand Movie Chooser. She duly chose “The King Of Scotland“, starring Forrest Whittaker as the king of Scotland, who went by the name of Idi Amin. Although Scottish, Idi was black and so had to put up with a lot of shit from racist British forces who wanted a white guy to rule. Idi slowly started losing his mind, killing and maiming anyone who pissed him off, even people he didn’t really know, but didn’t like the look of all the same.

The movie plays out like a thriller, shown through the eyes of a young Scottish doctor, who is Amin’s friend at first but slowly realises that he would be better off far far away, especially after humping Idi’s wife. (Incidently, he also gets to make out with Scully from the X-Files. Yes, she is also in the movie. As a blonde)

The film was quite gory at times, one scene in particular which literally caused my eyeballs to pop out, leading me to blindly search for them in the dark for a few minutes, and causing me to miss some of the plot. All in all I found it rather engaging though, much better than the shockingly mediocre Babel, although obviously not as heart-pumpingly spectacular as 300.

I would compare this movie to a Kentucky Fried Chicken rounder. You go there to have a bite to eat, more or less knowing what to expect and just going through the motions. Then your taste buds hits the Colonel’s secret sauce and you realise that you are actually quit fond of KFC and wonder why you haven’t been in ages.

…I’m not saying that I’d watch the movie again, but…. actually I’m having a KFC burger at the moment and just felt compelled to include it in there somewhere. I haven’t had KFC in ages and I forgot how good it can be. I’ve literally got a boner right now from the Colonel’s secret sauce, that’s how good it is. You’re reading something written by a guy who currently has a massive erection. How special do you feel right now?

Shaun Gets Very Excited

A Scene From The Movie “300″

Attending a catholic primary school in the early 90′s, I quickly learnt that violence is the best way to solve any problem. 
 

“Diplomacy is for Devil Worshippers and Communists”, bellowed old Sister Mary Clarence, an old bird incredibly intollerant toward devil worshipers and communists, and so many debates would be settled on the hallowed tarred playgrounds of one of Jesus’s holy schools. 

I was lead to recall these heady days as I watched 300 with The Girlfriend the other day. 
 

Let me make this very clear – 300 is an awesome movie. My mouth was literally watering as I watched this at the cinema. The Girlfriend eventually had to help me put my bib on, that’s how much this film made me drool.
 

It’s essentially a comic book or graphic novel film, like a Batman or Superman Returns, except that it’s infinitely better. The basic plot revolves around 300 Spartans who come from a place called Sparta. They are left to defend their lands from horrible, evil Persians, who try and take over with their trickery and dishonest ways. This all stems because the Spartan king is a total badass, and refuses to get down on his knees for a smug Persian messenger, deciding instead to kick him down a large black hole. This obviously pisses off the Persian ruler, as the messenger was a mate of his and a good drinking partner. And so the film kicks into gear, with audacious battle scenes, tough guy one-liners and a little bit of gratuitous nudity. 

Think MTV meets Troy, and you will get the idea of what this film is about – epic style-cinema filmed in a backdrop of sharp CGI and banging rock music. (The 300 DVD will probably kick ass as well. In fact, yes, I am totally buying the DVD of this film.)
 

Another strong point of this film is the lack of real A-list movie stars, which in this case is a blessing because having someone like Tom Cruise in a loin cloth as the fearless Spartan king would have killed this movie. The cast members chosen are all really buff, which made me feel a little inadequte as a man, forcing The Girlfriend to reassure me that I was just as ripped as the Spartans were.

I’m not going to give away any more of this plot. Go and see 300. Do it now, you will thank me for it.

Painfully Long And Incredibly Boring.

Kramer From Seinfeld Looks On As The Muslim Guy Gets A Beatdown

I normally make a point not to watch Oscar winning films. I remember watching “Million Dollar Baby” a couple of years back, the multi-award winning film which was so boring I ended up drowning my goldfish Lawrence, which wasn’t a bad thing in the end because I later found out he had been spreading horrible rumours about me behind my back.

So it was with slight trepidation that I ended up watching “Babel” which had been critically acclaimed. It also starred Brad Pitt so it couldn’t be that bad, right?

Well, as soon as The Girlfriend and I left the theatre afterwards, I attacked her with the fatal Five-Point-Palm Exploding Heart Technique. She had chosen this awful movie and by God she was going to pay. She saw the attack coming though, and expertly blocked my attempts to make her heart stop beating. Then she stomped on my foot with one of her iron-tipped boots, instantly winning the battle and crushing my favourite middle toe at the same time.

I’m not exaggerating though, Babel is an absolute shocker.

It was dreadfully long, incredibly drawn out, and ever so slightly pretentious and full of itself. The basic plot? Let’s see – there’s a little Muslim kid who jerks off to his sister, he shoots Cate Blanchett, who is pissed off at Brad Pitt for looking really old and haggard (four kids does that to you Brad. Guess you’re regretting dumping Jennifer now, huh?) Meanwhile some old Mexican woman is running around the desert with two annoying white kids, while a deaf Japanese chick is running around Tokyo desperately trying to get laid.

That’s really the gist of it. Somehow all their stories are interconnected but in the end you honestly don’t really give a f**k. This film is right up there with the “English Patient” and “Million Dollar Baby” as undeservedly acclaimed movies. I wasn’t expecting gratuitous nudity, excessive violence or toilet humour (although Cate does piss in her pants) but the film could at least have been mildly interesting.

This film is a bit like eating at the Dros, you see all the adverts and you think it’s great and you’ll go “bos”, but once you take a bite of one of their steaks, you realise that their food actually sucks.

Awesome Irish Gangster Film

Jack And Leo Have A Quiet Drink.

I normally make a point not to watch Oscar winning films. I remember watching “The English Patient” a few years back, the multi-award winning film which was so boring I ended up gnawing my arm off, which wasn’t a bad thing in the end because I had been born with three arms and had endured many years of ridicule because of it.

So it was with slight trepidation that I ended up watching “The Departed” which earned director Martin Scorsese his golden gong. I had enjoyed “Goodfellas” and “Raging Bull“, but wasn’t impressed with “Gangs of New York” and didn’t bother seeing “The Aviator” either. Why am I mentioning those films, you ask? Because they were all directed by Martin Scorsese, that’s why.

So anyhoo, myself, Steve O and the pimple on Steve O’s nose (Brian) went to see the flick, which had been out for ages and will probably be on Mnet next week, that’s how long it took us to get around to seeing it. Starring Leonard Di Caprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Martin Sheen, a Baldwin brother (They all look alike these days) and probably most of the not-quite-A-list male actors in Hollywood (besides Mark Wahlberg – oh, wait) the film centres around two main characters played by Messrs Di Caprio and Damon.

Whilst Mr Di Caprio is a cop undercover as a Irish thug, Mr Damon is an Irish thug undercover as a cop. Clever, hey? They find out about each other’s existence and the film then plays out like a cat-and-mouse as they try and find one another. I thought the film was brilliant, so did Steve O, and so did the pimple on Steve O’s nose (Brian).

It was gripping and quite tense at times, I was dripping with sweat during the some of the scenes – and that wasn’t just because of my glandular problem. As you would expect, the film is quite gory and bloodily violent, which is what you would want from the gangster genre. In fact, this film is basically right up there with “Goodfellas“, “The Godfather” and other gangster related films. (In my humble opinion anyway)

If you haven’t seen it yet, go out and watch it, I recommend it, Steve O recommends it, and Brian, the pimple on Steve O’s nose, recommends it too.

We Are Pleasantly Surprised

Let's All Give Them A Hand.

As everyone knows, Tuesday is Movie Night, and the other night The Girlfriend and I went to catch Little Miss Sunshine. This film has been receiving rave reviews from critics everywhere and so understandably I was a little hesitant to go and see it, as my movie tastes tend to go against popular critical convention. (To this day I am still pissed that Van Wilder never received the Oscar nomination I felt the movie rightly deserved)

Although my favoured brand of comedy tends to fall under the lowbrow toilet humour variety, I found this film incredibly funny. The jokes are not thrown in your face, and a lot of it derives from the awkward human interaction between an excellent cast. This includes Greg Kinnear, as an unintentionally cruel yet loving father determined not be tainted with the unwanted brush of “loser”. Steve Carell also gives a stellar performance as an incredibly sarcastic gay uncle, who can’t be left alone because of a recently developed habit of trying to kill himself.

The movie revolves around a dysfunctional family, of which Kinnear is the patriarch, who must travel 600 miles to a child beauty pageant for the sake of the little girl in the family, a chubby little 8 year old whose name escapes me now. (and I don’t feel like looking it up on IMDB.com – oh wait, her name is Abigail Breslin)

It’s essentially a road trip movie, where the family – who initially hate one another – bands and bonds together during the long and arduous trip, resulting in a hilarious and entertaining final segment which literally had me choking on my popcorn. All in all, a very entertaining little film. Go in without any preconceived ideas and you will leave the cinema with a smile on your face, unless you actually intended on watching Rocky Balboa, and ended up in the wrong theatre, then you wouldn’t be too happy I guess.