October 31, 2010 | 2 Comments
As Life Throws Shaun Another Curve Ball
I was staring at my reflection the other day, after someone rather eloquently commented that the shirt I as wearing made me look like “a huge tit”. Seeing as resembling a large female breast was not really the look I was going for, I decided to give my appearance a closer inspection, and thus made the following observations.
- I did in fact look like a bit of a tit. (although to be fair, the popped collar and garish sunglasses I was wearing inside the shopping mall was meant to be taken ironically)
- I had seemingly developed man boobs.
Now the first point was not too distressing, as I regularly get called both a tit as well as several other vulgar terms (mostly relating to male and female body parts) by various friends, colleagues and family.
No, the really devestating thing was the moobs, which had crept up on me in a dark, insidious manner. I even misspelt devastating in the previous sentence, that’s how devastated I was. The once fairly proud, muscular pecs that I could crack wallnuts with – especially ones that had already been slightly cracked to start with – were now reduced to saggy, drabby little bits of flesh, that kind of droop and hang loosely. A bit like how a 75 year old man’s balls must look after more than a half century of shagging.
The Girlfriend claims she has been telling me about this for months now, but this must have clearly been blocked by the internal filter I have, the one which prevents me from hearing her when she asks me to take the trash out, pick up the wet towels, or when she tells me to stop trying to have sex with her when she is sleeping.
Besides the shock and horror, I am also left with a feeling of incredible annoyance – not really at myself and my laziness (granted, it’s been several months now that I’ve been swapping dumbbells for doughnuts) – but more at life in general. The man boobs are most apparent when I am wearing shirts, but for various reasons that I will vent about another time, this is my preferred clothing attire, after having a major fallout with t-shirt manufacturers.
And then, just like that, life decides to not just give me lemons, but to take a wedge and squirt some in my eyes as I look up at it in surprise.
Time to do some bench presses I guess.
Oakes signing off.