Please, Don't Please Call Me.

Receiving a "Please Call Me" on my cellphone is the equivalent of a vagrant blowing his nose on me. It causes me to gag and immediately resent the donor.

It's such an intrusive exercise - why should I have to take the trouble of contacting YOU, after receiving a free "Please Call Me" text message, together with some advert promoting horoscopes, ring tones or some other drivel that I will never make use of.

Whoever thought up the concept of the free call back message, should have their toenails individually pulled out with a rusty set of garden shears, then be made to sit through three hours of stand up comedy from Allan Committee. Yes, that's how heavy the punishment should be.

The Girlfriend is fond of sending me these messages, as she knows how much they offend me. The other day I snapped and tried to give her a judo punch in the solar plexus. Unfortunately, I again forgot just how mediocre I am when it comes to hand-to-hand combat, and predictably came off second best. With all the nimbleness of a fleet-footed gazelle, she evaded my attack, ripped my arm off, and then proceeded to beat me with it. Eventually she exhausted herself and allowed me to call the ambulance to come and fetch and re-attach my arm, although I had to use my toes to dial the number, as she was standing on my other arm and wouldn't move.

The feeling in my arm has since returned, but the irritation toward "Please Call Me's" remains. To my knowledge, South Africa may well be the only country in the world to offer this service. Are we a nation of cheapskates?

We could very well be - look at how popular other freebie services are, such as Mxit and Facebook. To my mind, there is nothing better than hearing the shrill, high pitched voice of a loved one, far more comforting than receiving an impersonal text message. Take note everyone, the days of "Please Call Me's" are numbered.

Seriously, let's all cut that shit out now.



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