Fun Times At FTV

It was a warm and blustery Wednesday night in Cape Town, the type of night that makes you go, "Hey, let's go down to FTV Cafe, because it's Wednesday and I've already watched the entire season of Heroes", and so it came to pass that I decided to head off down to FTV Cafe, where I planned on drinking copious amounts of Fish Eagle brandy, whilst dancing badly to commercial R&B.

FTV has an interesting vibe. Upon arrival one enters through the upstairs section, which is the bar / schmoozing area. I duly strolled in at about 10pm, where I was greeted by Barry (the Token Back Guy), The Brand Ambassador, as well as Sergio.

"Hello Shaun Oakes", greeted Barry (the Token Back Guy), The Brand Ambassador, as well as Sergio.

"Hello Barry (the Token Back Guy), hello The Brand Ambassador, hello Sergio. " I quipped in reply.

After exchanging pleasantries, we mingled for a bit, making light surface talk - discussing current affairs, catching up on new business ventures, and debating on whether the bar girl with the tiny denim shorts was wearing any underwear.


Barry (the Token Black Guy) And Some Other Guy, discussing current affairs.

Sergio is sporting a massively blinged up chain, the size of a small child, and the type of thing that those rapper chaps are fond of wearing around their necks. It says "BAPE" which is apparently some sort of fashion label by the hip hop artist Pharrel Williams.

The font makes the first letter look like an "R" though, which earns him numerous dirty looks from the female clientele. It also earns him a variety of fashionable women's shoes which are randomly flung his way.

"Mmm, maybe it's time to head off to the dance floor," I say, as a silver stiletto narrowly misses my head, severely injuring an unlucky patron two feet away from me.

Stepping over the crippled clubber, we head off to the dance floor, as it's now 11pm and it has officially opened. This area is downstairs, and we head off in unison, careful not to get too close to Sergio, who appears to have a large target sign on his back. There we find The Gupster (officially Cape Town's fifth most eligible bachelor), together with a lovely spread of snacks, Fish Eagle brandy and other drinking paraphernalia and quickly make ourselves comfortable.

Although Jameson is my drink of choice, Fish Eagle is my preferred pot stilled brandy, and soon it is coming out of my pores, which proves to be slightly unsettling to the group of young flossies (floozies) standing nearby, as it looks as if I'm an excessive sweater.

"Come back flossies, I wasn't finished with my joke yet!" I holler.

"It's not perspiration, it's brandy!", I mention as an afterthought, but they have already pranced over to The Gupster, not caring to hear the punchline to my sexist (but funny) joke about women and their driving habits.

To my left I see Breyton Paulse, sporting a luminous pink shirt with white Cuban pants, and I make my way over - ready to mock him about his dance moves and wardrobe, as well as his inability to make it to France.

Although small in stature, Breyton seems to have bulked up a bit since we had that infamous fist fight outside Springbok Pub, and after a few choice words, I decide to apologise, eventually persuading him to release me from the headlock I found myself in.

To my right I see one of the Chong brothers, not the Hyundai Getz one, the other one, and I decide to bite my tongue around him, as he has long hair and that scares me a little.

I mention these two as that's pretty much the regular vibe at FTV on a Wednesday. There are numerous well known celebs, lesser known public figures as well as the likes of Danny K who are regularly seen around the venue.

The girls are quite easy on the eye and very friendly, as The Gupster will no doubt attest to, having been with a large majority of them. The music is, as previously mentioned, very commercial - the type of sounds you will hear on the radio whilst racing down the M3 trying to get to work on time. Wednesday's are basically FTV nights, let's face it - there's nothing else going on is there?

What?

You watch Heroes on a Wednesday?

Didn't you get the memo?

The cheerleader dies in the end.

Now give it up and come down to FTV. You can buy me a drink when you get me there.



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