Some Random Advice

So I received a weird phone call the other day from someone producing a dating show on one of our local television channels. For some reason, they guy mistook me for some sort of Dating Svengali, and asked me for any off-beat tips for engaging with the opposite sex. Not skipping a beat, I proceeded to inform him of the “Wrong Number Theorem“, which I will now share with you.

Scenario: You’ve had sexual relations with someone approximately 4 months ago or longer, and haven’t called again since. Time has passed, and you’re now pretty keen to have another go. You’re a bit shy and hesitant to just call up though, and you’re also not sure what the vibe between the two of you might be like. After all, you having your way and then never calling again may have been a pretty shitty thing to do. This is when the “Wrong Number Theorem” comes into play. Simply call them up, and pretend you dialed the wrong number. If you play your cards right, it should play out similarly to the following:

Ex-Lover: Hello?
You: Hi, is that Jess?
Ex-Lover: No… this isn’t Jess.
You: Are you sure?
Ex-Lover: Ja…pretty sure. I’ve been called Jane my entire life. I’d be pretty surprised if my name was actually Jess this whole time.
You: Oh my God, I must have dialed the wrong number, it’s me [Name]. How have you been?
Ex-Lover: Good thanks, no complaints. How have you been?
You: Great thanks, I heard you were engaged or something? Congratulations, who’s the lucky guy?
Ex-Lover: Engaged? No, no I’m not engaged, I don’t even have a boyfriend right now.
You: That’s so weird, I’m sure I heard you were planning on getting married soon.
Ex-Lover: No. Ha ha, not sure where you got that from.
You: Okay, well that’s great then. Maybe we can have a drink sometime this week?
Ex-Lover: Well… my room mate is actually out for the night. Why don’t you come over and we can shag?
You: Sure, not a problem, I’ll be there shortly.

The earliest known example of the wrong number theorem. Everyone was eager to see it play out.

An ethical and charming technique? Negative.
Slightly pathetic yet brutally effective? Affirmative

Just like that, you’re back in there. I’ve been lead to believe that this works for both men and women, so take the proverbial ball, and run with it.

My New Nemesis

My New Neighbour: Sent by God to annoy me.

Sleep is one of my favourite past times, after making love, eating, and having my tender feet rubbed. Sleep is something I try and do at least once a day, sometimes twice if I’m lucky, although motorists and traffic officers seem to frown upon me taking power naps whilst the traffic lights are red.

My sleep has taken a bit of a knock recently however, due to the sudden arrival of an unwanted guest. No, I’m not referring to Some Other Guy (although he is also an unwanted guest, and keeps putting his photos up on my Facebook profile. Very annoying)

No, I am referring to a blackbird, who has recently decided to take up residence outside my toilet window. Usually I wouldn’t fuss about this, as birds often try and set up residence there. Five minutes into my 7:20am sit down usually sends them packing though (a few months back a pigeon even went so far as to hurl himself into oncoming traffic, after filling his lungs with the aroma of my morning special).

This bird however, seems to be made of sterner stuff, and seems unconcerned with the formidable scent. What really grates me about this guy (I know he is a guy bird, because he is always flashing his winky around inappropriately, he seems to think he is rather well hung) is that he INSISTS on singing and making bird noises at 3am in the morning. I mean really, that’s not bird-like behaviour is it?

For the last two nights now, I’ve had to climb out from under The Girlfriend and shout and rave like a mad man, trying to scare him off. He will fly off for a while, and then return about 5 minutes later, JUST as I have started to slink back into sleep, and then start the whole performance again. It’s not as if he has a good voice either, it’s shit and off-key, and he struggles to reach the high notes. Honestly, I don’t know much about birds - well, the ones that fly - but I’m pretty sure that this isn’t normal?

Are birds not meant to be morning creatures? I am very perplexed by all this.

Last night I even tried poking him with the large stick The Girlfriend keeps in her purse to fend off Big Issue vendors, but this failed to work either, as he nonchalantly sidestepped my feeble attacks with graceful aplomb.

Seriously, how do I get rid of this thing? I could buy a cat that could eat him, but I have my reservations about cats as well, as I find them evil and generally rather work-shy.

Needing some help here, people.

Some Ideas For 2009

It’s now 2009, and it’s that time of year where we make promises to ourselves about how we will either improve ourselves mentally and spiritually, or how we will make ourselves more attractive to the opposite sex. (78% of all new years resolutions are made in the hope of having more sexual relations. Fact.)

So, in that spirit, I thought I would look at some potential new year’s resolutions I will be mulling over these next few days, like a cat playing with a ball of yarn, before destructively tearing it up and pissing off it’s middle-aged female owner, who wanted to knit a cardigan for the charming man from across the road, who always politely greets her in the mornings whilst going off to work, and who she was secretly hoping to f**k soon.

Here goes:

• Stop swearing - I do tend to swear religiously, especially in front of young children. I should stop that.
• Give up smoking Dunhill Lights - It stains my teeth, makes me look older, and gives me horrible breathe. I think I shall be switching to Stuyvesant Blue this year.
• Stop speaking in the third person - Shaun finds it annoys people and makes them think he is pretentious.
• Take up more hobbies - Picking my nose and drinking beer by myself are apparently not really considered “hobbies” per se.
• Stop telling bare-faced lies - I should probably admit to The Girlfriend that I’m not really a ninja, although I think she already suspects this based on the regular manner in which I get beaten up in bar fights.

So yeah, these are just some of the resolutions I am presently grappling with. I’ve left out the obvious ones such as cutting out the downloading of porn and paying my TV license this year, but I think those are things we are ALL mulling over at present.

What resolutions will you be taking up this year?

Give us a shout, and let’s share like a dirty needle.

And Why I Think It’s Cool

Dandruff: Embrace it.

Seeing as it’s the beginning of the year, I thought it would only be fitting then that I discuss dandruff. Why? Well, because it’s 2009 after all. Christ, stick with the program here.

Dandruff is something that has always followed me around, like that annoying nerd girl that you were accidentally nice to once in High School, and now thinks you’re “friends” and wants to sit on your face if you will let her, but you’re reluctant to because you suspect she has sweaty thighs? Yeah, that one.

Dandruff is something I’ve learnt to deal with, and am actually quite fond of really.
With dandruff, I can play elaborate pranks on people, pranks which I will now share with you in an anecdotal fashion.

There was that memorable occasion where I came running into the HQ, excitedly telling The Girlfriend that it was snowing outside. She immediately jumped off the pole she was dancing on, and dashed off outside, only to realise that the large flakes on my head were due to me not washing my hair since the previous month (it was an experiment)

Or, another lasting memory was the time The Girlfriend groggily made herself some coffee, after I kept her up all night with my lively rendition of Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ Lavida Loca“. She didn’t quite get why I was desperately trying to muffle my laughter, until she realised that the teaspoons of sugar she had just added to her cup of java were not tasting as sweet as they could have been.

So yes, dandruff is awesome. I had recently found myself with some free time, after The Girlfriend made me sleep on the couch, and thought of some other clever ways where dandruff can be useful:

• Can be used as a healthy alternative to salt. (it tastes like salt)
• Can be used to track where you’re going, instead of using breadcrumbs. (If Hansel and Gretel had a dandruff problem, they would not have had to go through all that shit. Fact)
• If you’re diligent enough, dandruff can be used to create a fake beachfront outside your house, thus increasing the value of your property.

Those are just three uses, but there are surely loads more you can come up with.

How Was It For You?

Christmas at the Favourite Son household. No, not really.

Like a young 20 year old getting his first blowj*b, Christmas came rather quickly this year. Indeed it felt like only yesterday, that I was promising The Girlfriend that I would have a six pack by the 25th December 2008.

A year had since flown by, and I was in fact seated with a six pack, but it wasn’t the kind that she could pour warm custard over, and slowly lick off with her tongue, much to my everlasting disappointment. (Along with befriending a dwarf, gymming will surely be my number one resolution for 2009)

Christmas Eve provided some eventful tidings, as we were both awakened from the communal bed that evening, by the sight of someone in a red coat trying to squeeze in through The HQ’s chimney. This excited us greatly, until we rememberd that The HQ did not in fact have a chimney, and that this was just a burglar trying to break in through a hole in the roof.

Nevertheless, it was this type of occurrence that made us remember Father Christmas and his modus operandi, and it warmed my heart enough to get into the Xmas spirit just a little bit.

For Christmas, The Girlfriend received a playful grope at her breasts from me, together with a Nintendo Wii, both of which she didn’t seem overly fond of, as I received a stiff kick in the groin - albeit together with a new wallet - in return.

Nevertheless, another year in upon us, so let’s see what 2009 holds for us. I saw a psychic in Kalk Bay last year some time, who told me that I would either die this year in a terrible boating accident, or achieve something brilliant involving wild Addo elephants in the Knysna forrests (in addition to increasing the length and girth of my winky, she added somewhat inappropriately I thought).

So ja, I guess I’ll be staying away from boats this year.