Male Grooming Tips.

Saturday mornings will usually find me lying on top of The Girlfriend, trying to seduce her with rose petals on the bedroom floor, and roofies in her tea. On this particular Saturday though, her muffled voice alerted me to two things; firstly, that I should stop stealing the roses from the local cemetery, as the pesticides they use there causes The Girlfriend's tongue to swell up, and she struggles to speak.

More importantly however, it was probably time to shave my chest hairs, as the thriving eco system I had been nurturing there was beginning to suffocate her, as well as giving her horrible hair burn.

Male grooming has always been pretty low down on my list of priorities, usually lumped together with my other seldomly used activities - such as haiku writing, falconry and showering. Nevertheless, I had noticed that my body hair was beginning to become a problem. Earlier that week, I had been shot with a tranquilisor by a conservationist, who assumed I was an orang-utan who had somehow managed to put on a pair of bootleg jeans, and was walking around Long Street, looking for bananas and other orang-utans to have sex with. I also kept getting mistaken for a werewolf, and was quite aware of the funny vibe my friends gave me whenever a full moon lit up the night sky.

Being a hairy Neanderthal, I was thus not familiar with the protocols involved and so decided to make use of this "Google" thing I keep hearing so much about, and read up on male grooming procedures, which I now know involves the following:

Facial Hair - The well groomed man is a clean shaven man, with a face as smooth as the underside of my foot. I have always been a big fan of stubble as I think it makes me look manly and rugged, like George Michael, or the various male hairstylists who work at Partners Hair Salon. Strangely enough, many women disagree with this sentiment and do not enjoy the rough, sandpaper-like texture that stubble offers. Apparently this can also cause adverse skin reactions for many women, which probably explains why The Girlfriend regularly gets that rash on her inner thighs.

Chest Hair - It seems the vibe with chest hair is not dissimilar to the old Vagina Rule, namely - a little fluff is okay, but an unkempt jungle is completely out of the question. Basically, if you find yourself using Head and Shoulders because of that annoying dandruff problem on your chest, there's probably a good chance that you need to whip out the old trimmers.

Skin - The days of soap and water, with a dab of Jameson behind the ears, are long over. These days, most men cleanse, tone and moisturise. Apparently, one should also use night creams for when you're sleeping, as well as skin replenisher for those crow's feet and ageing effects of the sun. My skin usually resembles thick cow's hide, the creased and worn leather found on the belts of grizzled sailors and unnamed henchmen in B-grade action movies starring Don "The Dragon" Wilson.

Nails - I love having long nails, just as much as I love picking my nose, and cleaning out the gunk that forms between my toes during a long week. Having long nails means I can really get in there, but of course this is also frowned upon, and so your cuticles should always be kept clean and short. The same applies to toenails of course. I was shocked to discover I actually wear a size 8 shoe, rather than my usual size 10, after undergoing a pedicure, and having my yellowed talons clipped. Now it's off to the shops for new loafers.

So that's just a brief breakdown on the basics. I could have gone into more detail, but I felt I already wrote quite a bit and didn't want to scare you off with a long and drawn out thesis, Paying attention to the four key issues I brought up should ensure that you will look reasonably presentable, whilst greatly reducing the chances of you being shunned by the general public.

You can thank me in the morning.



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