Feeling Short Changed By These Mobile Downloads

It was 7am on Tuesday, and I had just cupcaked The Girlfriend, as I tend to do most mornings after a hearty Thai meal. Strangely enough, she didn't really share my enthusiasm for this tradition and, after being revived by the smelling salts we keep in the kitchen, demanded that I start behaving in a more romantic manner.

"But lint ball," I countered, ''of course I'm romantic. Didn't I just get you a hundred red roses last month?"

I did get her a hundred roses the previous month, but I soon realised that she never received them, as I ended up getting hammered that night, and forgot them in the boot of my car. Although disappointed about the rose situation, I was also slightly relieved, as it meant that the weird smell emanating from the car was just decomposed flora, and NOT another vagrant squatting in my boot as I had initially feared.

Nevertheless, it was time for me to show my romantic side, and in desperation, I sent an sms to one of those mobile companies that advertise on the "television". It's advertisements that most people would be aware of, the ones which usually air late at night, when your brain is cooked, and the idea of owning a ringtone of a baby singing a Celine Dion ballad sounds like a great idea. This particular company promised to send me romantic tips for only 5 rarnt.

Expecting some amazing advice, the results have not exactly blown me away up till now.

"Always open your lady's door" - This proved to be terrible advice as the car was going at quite a speed. Suffice to say, she didn't really appreciate that little act of chivalry, and I earned a stiff kick in the groin for my efforts.

"Always ask what she wants to order first" - This doesn't really make sense as if I'm paying, surely I get to choose what she will be eating? Or am I missing something here?

"Send her a romantic poem every day" - I tried making a decent shout of this, and wrote the first one without too much fuss:

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
I'm in the mood for some loving,
How about you?

After that, I sort of blanked out. Let's face it - it's pretty hard writing romantic rhymes every day of the week. Apparently there is another number I can sms to get free love poems, but that's another 5 rarnt a day, and I'm already starting to doubt the effectiveness of the first club I joined.

So to summarise, my car smells of bergie, my testicles are feeling "precious", my poetry is shit and I now have a hefty cellphone bill. (How does one unsubscribe?)

Suffice to say, I'm in a bit of a mood right now.



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