The Things Old People Say.

Old People. Saying The Things That Old People Say.

The most unpleasant thing about attending a funeral, besides the obvious sadness over the loss of a loved one, is mingling with the really old people with bad breath who seem to magically appear at these events, in a puff of purple smoke and dry ice. You never see or hear from them for years, until you see them in the corner of the hall afterward, sipping on their tea and talking about their bad arthritis.

Many of them haven't seen you in decades, or probably haven't even met you before, but are merely friends and acquaintances of your grandparents from years long passed, when dinosaurs and hairy men in loin cloths roamed the earth. This doesn't seem to phase them though, and they will invariably try and chat with you whilst you nervously gulp down your orange juice and caramel cupcake.

This leads to the most inane conversation known to man, and invariably involves my (apparently) abnormal height. I normally try and entertain myself by being a complete arsehole, so the conversation usually plays out like this:

Old Person # 1: My word, but you've grown so tall?
Me: Well, yes, my mother and father are both tall. Genetically, this would lead to the probability that I would thus ALSO be tall. It's science, really.
Old Person # 1: ... Okay. (With a nod of the head, to signify their understanding of science)

Old Person # 2: Is that you? Wow, look how big you've become.
Me: Really? What do you mean... Jesus Hernandez! You're right! I HAVE grown! When the f**k did this happen? Have I been in a coma all these years? Well, this certainly came as a surprise, thanks for keeping me up to speed.

Old Person # 3: Hello young man, do you remember me? The last time I saw you, you were this high. (Points to his knee. Using his walking stick. Because he can't bend that low.)
Me: Well, if that were the case, do you REALLY expect me to remember you? I must have been about 3 years old then. Why on earth would I remember you from that time. Unless... wait... did you perhaps touch me inappropriately back then? Is that why I would remember you? What are you trying to tell me, pervert? Did I have to call you "uncle"? Are you in cahoots with the singer, Jurie Els? [Allegedly]

Old Person # 4: Hey, where are you growing to? (Followed by a chuckle at their perceived wit)
Me: I'm actually not growing, it's an optical illusion. I just wear really thick socks.

My attempts at sarcasm usually falls flat, and my mother ends up grabbing me by the ear and making me apologise to everyone I've offended in person. Which is a little embarrassing because I'm a grown man now and this makes the little kids laugh at me and call me names.



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