Not A Big Fan

Completely fine with sex. Just not in the morning.

Now don’t get me wrong, I quite enjoy sex. I try and have it as often as a I can, preferably not by myself (although that does happen more often than I would like to admit). What I don’t enjoy though, is sex in the morning.

And I’m not talking about the early hours of the morning either, when you wake up at 3:15 am and are startled to find your partner merrily inside or on top of you.

I can live with that.

No, I’m talking about your partner wanting sex 15-20 minutes before you normally wake up.

If you are anything like me, you will of course cherish those last 15-20 minutes of sleep. Let’s face it, they are like gold.

You need them in order to get through the day. Besides that, there is the small fact that men really need to pee when they just wake up. Having sex with a full bladder is like driving whilst drunk – somewhere along the line, disaster is going to strike, and then what are you left with?

A bed / couch / kitchen floor with pee stains on it, and an embarassing story to blurt out to friends when you’re drunk, that’s what.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

Let’s hear your thoughts.

Oakes signing off.

Does Anyone Else Agree?

Kauai - Peddlars of healthy living.

So as mentioned the other, I’m trying to follow a reasonably healthier lifestyle right now, which means no booze, meat and other unhealthy stuff.

So as much as it has pained me, I’ve stayed away from the likes of KFC, Steers and the little take-away in Woodstock that drenches their hot chips in weeks-old oil.

Instead, I’ve gone to the likes of Kauai, and have now had a number of their healthy meals, so I feel suitably qualified to make the following statement:

“Kauai’s food has no taste“

There I said it. It’s time we were all honest with ourselves here. I’ve had their wraps, their sandwiches, their salads, and they all have one common taste factor. There is none. It all tastes like thin cardboard, with a slightly spicy carrot flavour. That’s it.

Kauai Food - You can eat it, or you can store your papers in them.

As a test, The Girlfriend blindfolded me and had me do a blind tasting. I took a bite. “Hmmm,” I pondered thoughtfully, “it’s either the Thai veg wrap, or it’s a cut up shoebox garnished with carrot and lettuce shavings.”

I pulled off the blindfold, and lo and behold, it WAS in fact a cut up shoebox garnished with carrot and lettuce shavings.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to slag off Kauai, I think their smoothies are amazing. If I could inject their Pacific Passion Fruit smoothie into my eyeballs, I probably would, as it is that good.

But their food?

Meh. I’ll nibble on some chip board instead.

Of course, I could be in a minority of one, so let us hear what you have to say, by voting in the poll below.

Oakes signing off.

Is Coming Soon. I Think.

Nando's Comedy Festival.

I love standup comedy. I love it so much. I would no doubt try and have sex with standup comedy if I could, but it’s physically impossible because standup comedy is an intangible thing which you cannot penetrate no matter how hard you thrust.

Nevertheless, I enjoy watching live shows because it allows me to relax, and also gives me new material which I can then shamelessly steal and claim as my own, whilst entertaining colleagues around the office water cooler.

“That Shaun, he is so entertaining and funny,” they will muse, not realising I have completely lifted the entire set of a hard working comedian who I had seen the previous night.

Anyhoo, where am I going with this?

Ah yes, I was going to tell you about the upcoming Nando’s Comedy Festival, which seems to be happening in Johannesburg, Durban and Cape Town over the next few weeks. I say “seems” because Cape Town has not been confirmed yet, which does alarm me a little bit.

The list looks pretty solid, with a mix of local and international guys. This is the current lineup:

1. Pablo Francisco
2. Loyiso Gola
3. Bobby Lee
4. Kira Soltanovich
5. Al Madrigal
6. Jonathon Arons
7. Trevor Noah
8. Dean Edwards
9. Jason Rouse
10. Eugene Khoza

Pablo Francisco is obviously the headliner. If you haven’t heard of him yet, then carefully climb out from under the rock you’ve been chilling under and have a look at the following clip, where he does a parody of the Movie Voice Over Guy.

Pablo Franciso - Telling you to climb out from under that rock you've been chilling under.

Sorry, that wasn’t a clip. That was a photograph of Pablo. I made a mistake.

Okay, here it is.

Would I be presumptious in assuming you enjoyed that? You can get more info from the Nando’s Comedy Festival website which is situated over here.

Okay, bye. See you later. I love you.

Yes, I do.

Oakes signing off.

Join The Idea Bounty Crowdsourcing Vibe

Crowdsourcing - This is what I found when I Googled Crowdsourcing. Not sure why they are giving each other the finger though.

So if you are anything like me, you will of course love making money. In fact, I think the only thing I love more than making money, is making money with minimal effort.

Which reminds me, please remember to click on the adverts to your left.

No, that’s your right.

Where it says “Click on these Ads”. Yes, click on those please. I have my eye on a new yacht this year and they don’t pay for themselves.

Okay, where was I?

Oh yes, I was talking about making money without doing hard labour. I think I have mentioned Idea Bounty before, right? It’s the crowdsourcing site that allows you to get paid for your ideas? Yes that’s right, they are the crowdsourcing platform I occasionally talk about. Anyhoo, they are currently running quite a tasty campaign, where you can make a quick $5,000 just for coming up with an idea. No other work involved. You just need to send a little one pager explaining your idea, and if it get’s chosen, the money is yours. Just like that.

Sound good?

Of course it does. It’s like billing people $5,000 for an hour of your time. Which is what I do, funnily enough.

So, if you are keen to experience what it must feel like to be me, simply register at Idea Bounty by clicking here, and reading the full brief.

This particular one closes on Sunday so you have the weekend to think it over.

Okay, I hear someone calling me, I’m going to go now.

Chat later.

Oakes signing off.

You Sneaky Bastards

Mosquito - A bit of a dick.

Mosquitos have the worse sense of timing. They will think it’s perfectly acceptable to fly around my ears in the evening when I am trying to nap. Like right now.

I don’t really mind them sucking my blood – I’ve been lead to believe that I have really tasty blood, and I am not going to be a dick about it and not let them have a little nip.

No, what really annoys me is that they INSIST on then buzzing around my ears so that I KNOW that they are there.

That’s just rude and more than a little silly. It’s a bit like getting a free gourmet dinner from a philanthropist gentleman, and then getting kicked out of the 5-star restaurant because you were trying to grope his wife’s boobs in front of him.

It’s not as if I invited them in anyway. In fact, I’m not even sure how this particular one got inside, I never keep any windows open (I enjoy breathing in carbon dioxide, as it helps me lose conciousness quicker and have deeper sleep)

Anyhoo, that’s all I really wanted to say right now. I wanted to nap, and I ended up writing this instead.

Actually wait, I see him now…

Give me a second, I’m going to try and kill him quickly.

…

…

Okay, there. He is dead.

I just killed him.

In real time.

We might chat again a bit later, I just want to have a power nap first.

Oakes signing off.

A Fictional Short Story By Shaun Oakes

Far Alert - Sometimes it's just not appropriate.

“My car is in the shop, do you mind just dropping me at the mall?,” the hot neighbour asks Trevor.

“Of course not,” Trevor replies reassuringly. “It’s on my way, and it’s no issue whatsoever.”

He feels his heart beating faster as the two of them leave and walk down the stairs to his car. He isn’t sure if it’s just because she needs him for a lift, but she has been laughing at all his jokes up tll now, even the lame ones he blatantly stole off the internet. She has also been brushing her hair back with her hand as she is listening to him tell his jokes, and months of reading Cosmo has told Trevor that this is a sign that a woman would like to stroke his genitals.

He mentally thinks back to the shower he took that morning, and whether he used enough soap to lather his loins. No one wants to stroke a funky smelling loin, no matter how likeable he may be.

Trevor quickly finds himself staring at his hot neighbour as she daintily walks down the stairs, gently swaying her hips from side to side. If he stares hard enough, he can just about make out the outline of a lacy thong under her curve-hugging, velvet pants, and he finds himself reciting the first verse of Phil Collins’ “Just Another Day in Paradise” in a valiant effort to subside the slight bulge that is forming in his pants.

He begins thinking about how he might ask her out during the journey. Perhaps he should drive past the Bombay Bicycle Club, and mention their fantastic ribs, using that as an opening.

Trevor is now fantasing about the fabulous dates he will have with her, the passionate relationship that will then develop, and the eventual marriage and kids that will follow.

He is going through a list of Irish names for their first born son when he gets into the car and takes a first whiff of the spicy, stagnant fart that he released approximately 12 hours earlier.

The fart that had originated from the spicy Indian curry leftovers he had for breakfast earlier that day. The fart that had made him chuckle with childlike glee as he pressed it out in roughly six seconds. A duration which, although not sounding like much, is still a decent amount of air time for a mid-afternoon fart in the seating position.

It’s a fart that truly is bitter sweet, as although it gave Trevor great satisfaction hours earlier, it has now come back to haunt him in the worse possible way.

They are now both sitting in stony, awkward silence, as he pulls away. The jokes and conversation have dried up and died, just as quickly as Trevor’s dreams of having a happy life with his hot neighbour. She coughs timidly and gently opens the passenger window, letting some much needed fresh air into what is truly a repugnant smelling motor vehicle.

There will of course be no stroking of genitals tonight.

And THAT, dear readers, is why you should NEVER fart in your car.

That smell just takes FOREVER to go away.

Oakes signing off.

Let’s See How This Pans Out

No Booze for Shaun. For at least 100 days.

So I’ve been feeling like shit lately, and in an effort to remedy this, I of course decided to self medicate with copious amounts of booze, nicotine and other artificial stimulants. Surprisingly, this didn’t seem to help matters and so I decided to go on a 6 day meditation course, which I just completed this past Sunday.

A natural cynic, I usually leave all the new-age hippy stuff to The Girlfriend, but gritted my teeth, did my yoga, and got through it.

Now here’s the kicker – I’m feeling pretty good right now – I mean staggeringly good, on a scale of 1-10 I’m probably pushing a 9 right now which, for those of you who know me personally, will of course realise that this is an unheard of figure in the Shaun Oakes Happiness scale. It’s kind of a permanent state of that just-had-sex feeling, when you are glowing, and have that satisfied tingling sensation in your loins. Naturally, I am quite fond of this feeling, and I would be very comfortable with it staying around a while longer.

In order for me to do this though, I need to stick to some ground rules as outlined in the course. This involves giving up the following for at least 100 days:

1. Meat and eggs.
2. Stimulants. (chocolate, coffee, energy drinks, nicotine, drugs etc)
3. Booze.

Now thus far, I’ve gone 8 days without any of the above. I haven’t really missed meat yet, and the stimulants have been surprisingly easy to phase out. The ban on alcohol concerns me however, as I rely on it heavily as a crutch during social situations, as well as an occasional chaser with my cornflakes.

If you ever met me out and about in town, and I came across as charming, funny and rather flamboyant, I probably had a good few Jägers up my ass.

Not physically obviously.

I didn’t stick them up my rectum, I am just using euphemisms. Or hyperboles. Whatever. This isn’t really the point.

The point I am trying to make though is that I am more than a little worried that I’m going to be the boring guy now – well, more boring than I usually am. I have a big shindig coming up this Saturday so that will be my first test. I could either just pretend that I am as tipsy as everyone else (although my crappy dancing will probably give me away. I am a phenomenal dancer when I’m hammered, a mediocre one when not) or I could just learn to be interesting and confident without the aid of booze.

I’m leaning toward the former but I’ll let you all know how it goes.

Because we are all friends here.

And I do love you so.

Oakes signing off.

Worth a Watch

Remember the other day I was talking about the iPhone vs a Blackberry and which one was the better smartphone?

No of course you wouldn’t, no one bothered replying, except for a few people on my Facebook Page.

Anyhoo, if you are familiar with Apple and iPhone fans, you will more than likely enjoy this little cartoon:

Hey? Did you enjoy that?

I don’t care.

I was just quoting what she was saying. I wasn’t saying that myself.

I do care.

So much.

Come closer, I want to show you something.

It’s in my pocket.

Oakes signing off.