Well, Now You Can.

A Lumberjack. Updating his Facebook Status.

I often get random press releases about upcoming events or parties, which I usually pay no attention to, as I am completely anti-social. I pretty much hate everyone, with the exception of approximately 27 people, 3 dogs, 1 cat and a Shetland Pony named “Sidney Poitier”. Before you ask, I don’t know why the Shetland Pony is named after a legendary black Hollywood actor, that’s just how he was introduced to me, he has always gone by that name, and it just feels normal now and doesn’t feel ridiculous at all when I greet him and say “Hi Sidney Poitier”, as he contently eats his hay whilst simultaneously taking a shit.

Anyhoo, I received a mail the other day about a Lumberjack Festival happening in Stellenbosch in a couple of weeks, which sounds quite interesting. Women find men with beards very sexy, and I would literally kill someone if it meant I was able to grow a thick, manly beard. Unfortunately I am blessed with a smooth, baby-like face instead. If you know of a way to magically grow a thick face bush, my offer to kill someone still stands. (Has to be someone fairly weak physically though, so I can easily choke them out)

Here is an extract from the email about the event:

There is a bunch of other info, so I suggest you go visit their Facebook Page or email them at lumberjackfest@gmail.com.

Lumberjack Festival Flyer

I’ll see if I can score some free tickets for a couple of you.

Oakes signing off.

Because We’ve All Wondered About This.

The Joker didn't know when to do these things, and look where that got him.

I’ve often been told that I lack certain social skills and am regularly scolded about certain idiosyncrasies I have. “Shaun, why don’t you ever greet people first” or “Shaun, you’re always taking the last piece of cheese” or “Shaun, stop undressing those people with your eyes”.

Something else I often battle with is knowing when to hug, when to shake hands, when to kiss and when to wave. I may be presumptuous, but I’m willing to guess many people suffer the same problem. I’ve often started business meetings on an awkward footing by attempting to kiss or hug prospective clients. It gets even more awkward if they are actually keen on me pulling into them. Friends and family often get annoyed when I give them a royal wave instead of hugging them on their birthdays. Not as annoyed as The Girlfriend gets when I formally shake hands with a vagrant who has just defecated in the park, and now requests a R5 from me.

So I’ve gone and mapped out scenarios appropriate for hugging, shaking hands, kissing, waving etc. Think of it as a Cheat Sheet, helping you ensure you never pull into your wrinkly old uncle at his 70th birthday because you think it’s the appropriate thing to do. (It isn’t)

Right so here goes:

1. When to Hug



This is possibly inappropriate for the office.

It’s appropriate to hug someone when they are a close family member and they have just lost a domestic pet or an expensive electrical appliance. Hugs can also be given out to friends who have been overseas for a period of longer than 6 months. There are different kinds of hugs one can give. There is the Standard Hug, which involves wrapping both your arms around the recipient for a period of 1.5 seconds. (Lingering any longer than that is considered creepy and anti-social)

There is also the Manly Hug carried out by drunk heterosexual males which involves a hand shake followed by an affectionate but firm double tap with your non-shaking hand on the recipient’s back. (ie: You shake with your right hand, pull in and manly hug with your left) NB: You DO NOT double tap them on the small of their back though, it’s more their shoulder blade. The Manly Hug is appropriate if they have given you permission to sleep with their ex or sister. Sometimes it’s even used when you just happen to see them at Tiger Tiger or Deco Dance.

It is not appropriate to Hug: co-workers, drinking buddies, shop assistants, people standing in the queue at the bank, people in wheelchairs, the aged and people with smelly armpits.

2. When to Shake Hands



Let's shake on this.

Shaking hands is the standard, traditional way of greeting people. You usually shake hands at business meetings, or when you have just been introduced to someone. When you shake hands, it’s important to find a balance between a firm, confident grip, and a limp-wristed weak one. Too firm and confident, and you risk hurting the recipient’s hand and have them immediately resent you. Have a grip that’s too weak though, and they will instantly lose respect for you.

Shaking hands is a non-intimate form of greeting, so it’s very seldom that you shake hands with a friend or family member. The only time this is applicable, is when you are making an irrational and immature bet with a friend (you shake on it to seal the deal) or if you’re shaking your Father-In-Law’s hand as he has officially given you permission to sleep with his daughter on a regular basis (this usually takes place at a ceremony known as a “Wedding”)

It is not appropriate to Shake Hands with: your lover, you immediate family, people with no hands, vagrants, someone who has just been to the toilet and not washed their hands, Joseph Kony.

3. When to Kiss



Inappropriate?

Some people are big fans of kissing as a greeting. Me, not so much. Kissing on the cheek seems to be a popular form of greeting these days. It’s usually appropriate amongst friends who have just arrived at a social gathering. SOMETIMES, it’s acceptable to give a kiss on the cheek to a girl you have just met. (Guys never kiss other guys as a greeting, unless they are wanting to sleep with them later that night)

Other than that, it’s never really appropriate to kiss someone other than your lover, unless you are a disciple wanting to sell out your Messiah to the Romans. Historically though, that tends to not turn out very well.

It is not appropriate to Kiss: co-workers, the aged, people with bad skin, people with bad breathe, someone helping you at the clothing store, strippers, any female besides your lover (this applies to tongue kisses), other guys (unless that is your thing), people who suffer from Philemaphobia (a fear of kissing)

4. When to Wave



Completely fine with a wave.

I don’t care what anyone else says, I enjoy a good wave. It’s impersonal yet polite, and hardly ever ends up being awkward, unless the other person is being full of shit. (“Don’t wave at me, come on over here and give your old aunty a kiss on the lips”)

It is not appropriate to Wave: It’s NEVER not appropriate to wave. If you’re not sure what to do, always go with the wave.

And there you go. Agree? Disagree?

Hit me up in the comments below.

Oakes signing off.

Monday Tip Of The Day

The worst thing you can do after ordering pizza. The worst.

What’s the worse thing you can do when you’ve ordered pizza, and you have the place all to yourself? Why, start watching a pornographic movie of course.

Because you quickly lose track of time and before you know it, there is a knock on your door.

“Shit, firstly that was too quick, and secondly, how did he get through the security gate?” you wonder aloud in a blind panic.

“Hi it’s [brand name removed, but it rhymes with "Mr Delivery"],” he says and then, frighteningly and more than a little presumptuously, he knocks and then OPENS the f**king door.

Luckily you’ve got some pants on, but you’re also sporting a healthy tent pole, so the guy walks in and finds you bent over with your knuckles dragging on the ground, like one of those missing-link type creatures in those pics where they show how apes evolved into men.

Kind of like this guy.

Still in that pose, you hand over the money, careful not to make eye contact.

Not that it matters though, because you quickly realise that in your haste to restore your dignity, you’ve gone and left the sound on of the little production you were watching. This of course leads to the delivery guy scoring a R100 tip to forget this ever happened.

OBVIOUSLY, this is all hypothetical of course, but has anyone ever experienced anything remotely similar?

Anyone?

This is normal, right?

Oakes signing off.

For All The Dudes.

Chick Flicks. Flicks. For Chicks.

So today sees us two weeks away from Valentine’s Day, and it’s time you get your bum in gear. Sure, you can go to a romantic restaurant, or enjoy a romantic activity together, but think how packed everywhere will be. No, this year, why not stay in and create a romantic memory at home? Staying at home is cheaper, more comfortable and statistically speaking, you are 95% more likely to have sexual relations with your partner. (48% of the time)

So let’s all stay in this year, and do the whole indoor romantic picnic vibe. There will be snacks, wine, a blanket, some Marvin Gaye in the background, followed by a romantic chick flick that will get her pulse racing. I’ve made it really easy for you, and did some research on the best chick flicks that will guarantee you have a happy Valentine’s Day. (ie: she will have sex with you) So the snacks, wine and Marvin Gaye you can sort out. I’ve sorted out chick flick movies, 10 of them to be exact, which you can choose from below:

• The Note Book



The Notebook. Ryan Gosling. Rachel McAdams. Gold.

Plot: A poor and passionate young man falls in love with a rich young woman and gives her a sense of freedom. They soon are separated by their social differences.

Stars: Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, two random old people.

Why This Will Make Her Want You: Every chick I have ever met loves The Notebook. Seriously. Every single one. Try this right now – find the first female you see and ask her “What’s your favourite romantic movie?“. 9 times out of 10, she will instinctively say “The Notebook“. If there is any hesitation on her part and she doesn’t answer immediately, say “The Notebook?” and watch as she says “Oh yeah, The Notebook, that’s my favourite romantic movie. I really want to have sex now.”

This movie is as pretty much a sure thing as you will ever have. Sure, it can be a bit of a strain for you to watch, but the reward at the end of it will be worth the 123 minutes you will need to sit through.

Trailer:

Buy this movie today. (and get laid)

Where “<3" Means "Love".

Shaun - Getting intimate with Brackenfell.

So with the whole Beluga restaurant fallout from last week, there seemed to have been a perception formed that I don’t dig Brackenveld Brackenfell, a Northern suburb situated in the Northern suburbs of Cape Town.

I got a lot of flack from some residents who threw a lot of beer in my face, as they felt offended by me, and thought I didn’t respect their vibe.

This was obviously not my intention though, so, like a US Republican presidential candidate who has been accused by his former ex-wife of having an affair whilst still married to her, I thought I’d quickly take this opportunity to nip that perception in the bud.

I popped in there over the weekend, chatted to some of the locals, and shared some reasons why I dig the vibe of “the Bracks”, which I’ve displayed below.

You can all go through them too. If you agree, feel free to “Tweet” them using a program I discovered the other day called “Twitter”. It’s probably going to take off pretty soon, so best you all get on it. Anyhoo, here with interesting facts about Brackenfell:

Cool, that’s that then. Hopefully, this spells the end of my face meeting beer. It’s bad for my complexion.

And the train moves on.

Chooka chooka chooka chooka chooka chooka.

That was my train impression.

Oakes signing off.

Get Familiar.

A Guide to Recognising Your Smokers.

So it’s been nearly a month now since I’ve stopped smoking, and this of course now gives me the right to talk about the types of smokers out there, types of smokers that we are all familiar with and see on a daily basis.

Types of smokers that you will read about, and find yourself nodding your head slowly saying, “Yeah… that’s right, Sally IS a bit of a Social Loafer. Jeepers, I hate that chick.”

So sit back, clear your throat, and read this simple guide to recognising your smokers.

1. The 20 Packer



If these people were cigarettes, they would be smoked up in one day.

The 20 Packer is your typical smoker, who will go through, funnily enough, about 20 smokes a day. Sometimes less, sometimes more, but on average over the course of a month, yeah – about 20 a day. The 20 Packers all smoke for various reasons – some of them do it to socialise with other smokers outside, some will hit 20 because they like the taste and it makes them seem cooler, whilst others merely smoke to calm themselves down and avoid completely losing their shit.

There was also a guy I knew who smoked because he hated kids, and he read somewhere that smoking would make him infertile. So yeah, every 20 Packer has their reasons, no matter how nonsensical some of these reasons may seem. The 20 Packer is generally a fiercely proud smoker, and will openly challenge anyone who questions them on it, especially when they are just about to go out for a smoke.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Yes, I’m a smoker. What? … I should quit? … F**k you, I like smoking. Get out of my way.“

2. The Social Smoker



Someone who enjoys doing this. But who also smokes.

The Social Smoker thinks he/she is slightly better than your typical 20 Packer. They are often very quick to distance themselves from other smokers. You may not often see them puffing away during the day, but, like a vampire or an accountant who secretly cross dresses, they tend to come out with a flourish at night. (especially the cross-dressing accountant)

Give the Social Smoker a couple of drinks. Take a step back, and then watch as all bets are off and they smoke away like champions.

Just don’t call them smokers though. Because they are clearly not.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Me? No, I’m not really a smoker. I only smoke when I have a drink.“

3. The Celebration Smoker



Yes! Time for a smoke, I think.

The Celebration Smoker is the elitist relative of the Social Smoker. You won’t see them smoking on the office balcony. You won’t see them smoking at the office party either. The Celebration Smoker is very selective with their smoking habits, and will only whip out the cigarettes on very special occasions.

This doesn’t includes things like birthdays or Christmas, oh no, but rather incredibly rare events that will very seldomly occur again.

Just became a dad? Boom, let’s have a smoke and celebrate.

Got your old boss’ job? Let’s whip out some fags, captain.

Just had your first threesome? Let’s light that shit up.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “I’ve just had sex with [insert celebrity name here]. I think it’s time for a smoke.“

4. The Social Loafer



Social Loafers are the worst.

If the Celebration Smoker is the elitist relative to the Social Smoker, than the Social Loafer is the annoying cousin in the family. You know, the one who you try and avoid at family gatherings because they make you uncomfortable and keep trying to ask you for money. The Social Loafer doesn’t really smoke during the day, but comes alive at night with a few drinks.

Then, they will need a steady supply of nicotine sticks and will regularly hit you up for smokes during the night. On many occasions – due to the amount of alcohol consumed – they will even stop asking and will just help themselves to your hard-earned cigarettes. For this reason, the Social Loafer is generally quite resented by smokers.

Exceptions to this rule would be if the Social Loafer is a dear friend (some leeway is granted here), or they are physically attractive, and allowing them access to your cigarettes thus increases the likelihood of you nakedly rubbing yourself up against them later.

Otherwise, no dice.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “I’m just grabbing one of your smokes. [helps themselves]“

5. The Heavy Loafer



Correction. Heavy Loafers are. The worst.

The Heavy Loafer is basically a 20 Packer who doesn’t buy their own cigarettes. They live off other smokers, and will often end up smoking more in a day than smokers who are buying their own f**king packs.

For this reason, they are considered to be massive, massive arseholes and should be avoided at all costs.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Hey, can I bum a smoke?“

6. The Preacher



I used to smoke. Now I'm BETTER than you.

The Preacher is generally an ex-smoker who now insists on telling all the world how they managed to quit, whilst making pithy statements and passing judgement on the same smokers that the Preacher was happily puffing away with just 3 months earlier.

Smokers generally despise the Preacher, as he/she is a massive dick who doesn’t see the hypocrisy in what they are saying. I mean, if it was such a filthy habit, why were you doing it for 15 years? Exactly. No kindly f**k off, and let me enjoy my Dunhill Light, thank you for every much.

Most Likely To Be Heard Saying: “Smoking is a filthy habit, and it’s easy to quit. I can show you. Haven’t you heard of Allen Carr?“

And that’s a wrap, people. Well done everyone, that was a great show.

Hey?

What was that?

Know of any others I may have missed out on?

Okay then, hit me up in the Comments section, and let’s “engage”. Because it’s all about the “conversation”.

Oakes signing off.

As We Slow Things Down A Bit After Yesterday’s Heavy Session.

Weakness - It Looks A Lot Like Justin Bieber.

As many of you will know, I have plenty of little neuroses and quirks. These include never wearing dark underpants on Wednesdays, always looking under my bed three times before sleeping, and never sitting down on any paved surface. Read More…

Beluga Restaurant Owner Can’t Seem To Take Constructive Criticism.

Shaun Oakes. Banned.

So a few weeks back, The Girlfriend and I decided to celebrate Thursday and head off to Beluga in Greenpoint, to smash our faces with cocktails and sushi (which they are famous for). Now, I’ve written about Beluga before, we’ve been there quite a few times, and we generally have a good time. On this occasion we didn’t though, so get a comfortable chair and read why. Read More…