Rules To Live By

This picture currently doesn't make sense. But it will later as you read further down.

It’s Monday evening, and The Girlfriend and I have just completed another successful dinner party with guests. We kept the conversation and entertainment light and flowing, making sure to steer well clear of politics, religion as well as the fact that I was wearing a scandalously cheeky pair of shorts. (all my other shorts and pants were in the laundry, and smelled of wet blanket, after The Girlfriend threw my wet underpants in the basket – they were wet because I wash them when I shower, it’s something poor people used to do when they only had one pair of underpants to wear in the week, and it is a strange habit I have developed over the years)

Anyhoo, I am going off on a very wide tangent, the reason we had a successful dinner party is due to us – as well as our guests – cleverly adhering to the following guidelines, which we will now look at in bullet point format. Read More…

Not So Rock n Roll Anymore.

Shaun: Getting Ready For Another Night On The Town. Not Really.

Friday nights used to be a pretty big deal for me. Friday evenings would be spent prepping for the night ahead, and would involve shaving; cleansing, moisturising and toning; doing up my hair, checking that I was wearing decent underpants, and lastly throwing on some after shave on both my neck, as well as my groin region.

I’d wear a tight, figure hugging t-shirt to advertise the gun show, fairly tight (but always flared) jeans to show off my delicious smelling package, and smart but comfortable shoes, which would enable me to glide across the dance floor with all the grace and panache of a f**king gazelle. Read More…

It’s Shaun Oakes the Television Host.

I was planning on writing something amazing today, but to be honest, Thursday was a pretty boring day. I literally have nothing to tell you people. I briefly thought about rehashing an old adventure from my past, to show you what an exciting and glamorous life I lead, but I sort of lost interest halfway through writing it (it was a fairly interesting story though, and involved a former Miss South Africa, a current national athlete, and the American actor Ethan Hawke)

Instead though, I will post a video I did a few months back, but never really talked about. It’s a little travel piece where I’m the host, and it’s quite possibly the greatest video you will ever see today. Read More…

They Literally Won’t Cost You A Cent.

Concerned Shaun - You want me to pay HOW much?

Those of you who know me will of course be quite familiar with the fact that I hate spending money. I get a deep pain in my chest and a tightness in my loins whenever I have to open up my wallet and part with cash. In fact, just typing that last line has given me a bit of indigestion, together with some mild discomfort in my groin region.

Now, being a twenty something man-about-town who enjoys a bit of adventure, this lifestyle choice can sometimes be tricky, but over the years I have come up with a number of creative activities and things to do in this – admittedly shitty and cloudy right now – city of ours. With more than a week to go before payday, and money being too tight to mention, let’s take a look at a few activities to do in Cape Town: Read More…

Yes, An Extinct Dinosaur.

Shaun - Casually Running On The Seapoint Promenade.

Whenever I run, people laugh at me. It’s not because of the mustard spandex pants I wear, or the biting jokes I make as I sprint up Orange Street in Gardens. I don’t really make biting jokes. I don’t have the energy or breath to make any jokes, least of all biting ones. After all, I’m sprinting up Orange Street in Gardens. Read More…

Sometimes Things Get Messy.

Bruce Lee INVENTED the Nod and Smile.

I’m a big fan of the Nod and Smile. Last week, I worked out that I used the Nod and Smile approximately 173 times, 186 times if I add in the Nod and Smile greetings I handed out. But I’m not going to add those, because they are not pure Nod and Smiles.

Pure Nod and Smile are used when you are listening to someone say something which has little interest to you (on most occasions they are attempting to say something humorous). I usually augment my Nod and Smiles with a casual shrug of the shoulders as if to say “Meh, what can you do?” (Disclaimer: If you are reading this and you know me, and realise that I have given you the Nod and Smile in the past, rest assured that you were the exception to the rule. I was obviously listening to you. Really, I was.) Read More…

Because I Don’t Want No Creme Brulee.

Creme Brulee - Hate It. Don't Want It.

I was at a restaurant in Hout Bay on Saturday. What was I doing there? Eating, of course. I was enjoying their special, which consisted of a main course, a bottle of red wine and a free dessert. I smashed through the main course and the bottle of red wine, but when the time came to have my free dessert, I was told in no uncertain terms, that I could only have the Creme Brulee.

Now I don’t know about you, but I f**king HATE Creme Brulee. I hate the taste, I hate the texture, I even hate the name. (The pronunciation causes a saliva build up at the back of my throat. Say it out loud three times if you don’t believe me, and see for yourself) Read More…

That’s My Name, Bitches

This guy doesn't need a cellphone. Everyone he knows can easily find him. Because he is wearing a f**king cow suit.

So as I mentioned yesterday, I was at Rocking the Daisies this weekend. One of the highlights of the weekend, besides the copious amounts of girls who hit on me, and the one or two random drinks I consumed, was the very clever decision on my part to dive into the nearby dam with my cellphone and wallet nestled nicely in my underpants. (I put it down the front of my underpants to make my balls seem huge. As one does.) Read More…