Checking Ou Camps Bay Night Clubs
Ignite And Zep Tepi
On Thursday after moving all the boxes into The HQ, it was decided that the new neighbourhood would be explored. Putting on my trusty explorer hat, a brown Indiana Jones style fedora, I dialled The Brand Ambassador and The Gupster, and told them to come on through. Upon their arrival, we rubbed two sticks together, creating fire and thus toasting the single slice of bread I owned. Once we were finished feasting, we jumped in the Gupstermobile and headed on out to Ignite in Camps Bay, where we planned to get smashed and act in a horribly juvenile manner.
While The Gupster was out and about pulling women, The Brand Ambassador and I milled for a bit on the deck, debating the merits of slinky pants over the micro, belt-like skirts which seemed to be in abundance at the club. A case in point was the pretty young brunette with the Cindy Crawford mole, who literally showed us her Hello Kitty panties every time she breathed.
After a session of heavy petting with a young floozie, The Gupster came back to us and we headed on out to Baraza, where I bumped into the Cape Town DJ and Top Billing presenter Jeanie D. I immediately apologised and helped her off the floor, but she was clearly in an unforgiving mood and sunk one of her razor-sharp nails into my Achilles tendon. As I hobbled off, it was decided not to hang around Baraza and so we headed off to Zep Teppi, a new club next door where we were promised free booze and snacks. By this stage I was famished and had begun nibbling on my forearm as it’s quite chunky and, with the right seasoning and a little imagination, actually tastes like chicken.
Booze was in abundance at Zep Teppi, the whiskey flowing like the Niagara Falls on a rainy day, but sadly snacks (and clientele) were lacking. We found the decor of the club quite interesting, with some sort of catwalk / lifted dancefloor in the centre of the club. We amused ourselves for a few minutes parading up and down the floor ala Fashion TV, The Gupster looking like an absolute tart in the high heels and fishnet stocking he found lying in the bathroom, but eventually the joke got old and so we headed on back to Ignite.
While The Gupster was out and about pulling women, The Brand Ambassador and I milled for a bit on the deck, debating the merits of plunging necklines over the push up padded bras which seemed to be in abundance at the club. A case in point was the pretty young redhead with the Cameron Diaz eyes, who literally affected the Moon’s gravitational pull every time she breathed.
After a session of heavy petting with a young floozie, The Gupster came back to us and we headed toward the dancefloor, where everyone made space for me and applauded my innovative dance moves. The truth was my snapped tendon was making it difficult for me to walk properly, and I was really on my way to the bar, but I lapped up the praise nonetheless. By this stage we were well and truly legless, almost literally in my case and so it was decided to head on home back to The HQ.
On our way out, we were greeted by the always funny sight of a girl giving a guy an almighty beating, as he had apparently groped her on the dancefloor. The girl was ably supported by a cripple, who used his crutches to great effect, smashing the groper’s knee caps into a thousand pieces. The Gupster whipped out a hand broom and attempted to sweep it up but the cripple was having none of it and tried attacking us.
His crutches meant he wasn’t the most mobile of creatures though and, in our irresponsibly drunken state, we still managed to make it to the car before he could unleash his fury on us. The Gupster quickly punched in the co-ordinates of The HQ and the Gupstermobile roared off into the night, leaving the angry mob the cripple had assembled in our wake. Feeling peckish at this stage, I grabbed The Gupster’s sun shade and a water bottle and combined it to quickly manufacture a crude hunting spear, using it to maim a grey pigeon which we then spit braaied once we reached home.
So that signalled my first night in Town, who knows what adventures await us next Thursday?