Leo DiCaprio Isn’t Such A Wanker Anymore

Blood Diamond - But What Are They Staring At?

As everyone knows, Tuesday is Movie Night, and the other night me and The Girlfriend (sorry, The Girlfriend and I) went to catch Blood Diamond. Not usually a big Leonardo DiCaprio fan but I had heard some good things from people I trust, and so went along with an open mind. After watching it, let me say, believe the hype. In fact, to steal a line from The 40-Year-Old-Virgin:” I always thought that Leonardo DiCaprio was like a Streisand, but he’s rocking the shit in this one!”

He plays a total badass by the name of Danny Archer, or “Denny Orcher” as he calls himself, in his near flawless South African accent. The movie can best be described as an action flick with a conscience. It centres around conflict diamonds, specifically a rare and valuable “pink diamond”. I didn’t really know much about conflict diamonds until that Kanye West song, “Diamonds Are Forever / Diamonds of Sierra Leonne”. This movie is also based in Sierra Leonne, which sounds like the real arsehole of Africa, with people seemingly getting their limbs chopped off on a daily basis. (Well, in the 90′s anyway, that’s when the movie is set)

DiCaprio is well supported by Djimon Hounsou, who plays a heroic father trying to find his son, as well as Jennifer Connelly, a goody-two-shoes American journalist who tags along for the ride. The movie is just over two hours long, but I was able to sit through it quite comfortably, even though I tend to have a short attention span, so that should tell you something. Do yourself a favour and check it out. It’s certainly no cinematic masterpiece like “Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy” or “Old School”, but it’s worth a night out.

Crazy Paintballing In Tokai

It was a painfully hot Sunday morning when we embarked to Tokai, to partake in the rather manly tradition of running around a forest playing Gun Gun. We had often spoken of the desire to shoot large chunks out of one another, but it wasn’t until The Gupster showed the required initiative to phone and book a morning session, that it came to pass. And so it came to pass.

Myself, Bazza The Barry, DC and Steve O joined 25 other associates for a morning of tactical war games, capturing of flags and the general release of male testosterone. As everyone gathered for the initial briefing, tension clearly filled the air. “You can cut the tension here with a knife” commented The Gupster, using his trusty pocket knife to lop a piece off, thus proving his point. By this time the sun was really baking, causing Steve O to literally melt. DC, mistaking him for a cup of lime energade, began gulping him down, before someone pointed out his folly and he was forced to cough him back up again.

We were divided into teams and handed our weapons. As I watched Bazza The Barry – who had clearly used a gun before – firing off deadly accurate practice rounds, I began wondering aloud if this was really such a good idea after all.

“Is this really such a good idea after all?” I wondered aloud to DC, one of my team-mates, who also seemed slightly uneasy. (I had earlier seen him weeping behind a nearby bush) My thoughts were interrupted though as the games began and everyone went running around in a blind state of panic.

The first game involved us trying to capture a blue flag, as we were the green team. Showing my strong leadership abilities, I quickly took charge, barking out orders and dividing the team into smaller tactical groups. Disappointingly, no one seemed to listen, as my ingenious plan of building an underground tunnel to the Blue base clearly went unheeded. No surprisingly then, we lost – the game ending for me in a hail of bullets from Bazza The Barry, who had now officially become my nemesis.

General concern centred around Sergio though, who had been felled by a testicle shot (courtesy of ace Muslim sharpshooter Oesman) and may have now lost the ability to procreate. (UPDATE: He’s since had it checked out. He has made a full recovery)

The second game involved us trying to defend the green flag, as we were the blue team. Showing my strong leadership abilities, I quickly took charge, barking out orders and dividing the team into smaller tactical groups. This time, my advice on defensive manoeuvres (everyone sitting together behind thick covering and pray) was followed to the letter. Not surprisingly then, we won – although the game ended for me in a hail of bullets from Steve O, who had now officially become my nemesis.

The third and deciding game turned into a real thriller as we hunted down the blue team. Last man standing was Steve O, who we eventually found hiding in a nearby ditch. It was left to DC and myself to “execute” him, thus winning the game, and we prolonged things a little by shooting at his feet, making him dance. He is such a good dancer though, and after watching him for a few minutes, everyone started jiving and so we decided to let him live.

For more info on paintballing in Cape Town, see – http://www.actionpaintball.co.za

So Fast, So Furious

The Look Of A Content Man. With A Fast Car.

My car is amazing. I drive an aqua blue Opel with my name – Shaun Danger Granite Iron Steel Oakes – emblazoned boldly on the side doors. 

I have 30 inch Hockenheim rims and a powerful engine under the hood. (what we cool kids call the bonnet) 

Fire, pyrotechnics and intelligent lighting are regularly emitted from the exhaust when I accelerate. It’s really weird. I don’t know why it does that, but I like it nonetheless. 

It’s without a doubt the fastest car in Cape Town.

People are always trying to dice (race) with me in the street. The other day I was bored so I decided to drive to Durban and spend the day there. I pulled out of Gardens Engen at about 10am and arrived in Durban just before noon. 

That’s how fast I drive.

Anyhoo, on the way through at a traffic light, a silly chop (chap) in a Z3 pulls up and starts revving his car, urging me to take him to driving school and humiliate him in front of his tartish-looking girlfriend. “Take me to driving school and humiliate me in front of my tartish-looking girlfriend” I clearly heard him say.

Naturally, I decided to smoke him. 

My car must have been having an off-day though because he somehow managed to squeeze past me on the highway. He was a bald, ruggedly unattractive guy and I could see him laughing as he eased past me. He wasn’t laughing after I ran him off the road though. 

Take that you bald bastard with a tartish-looking girlfriend. No one beats me. No one.

I’m very protective over my car. I had an argument with a vagrant the other day. He came to my window asking for money, so naturally I declined. 

Normally I would have shot him with the hand-held water cannon I keep in my glove compartment, but I had earlier emptied it out on a family of cyclists who were slowing me down (A pity, because the vagrant smelt of raw onion, and could have done with a bit of a soaking)

Anyhoo, as he trundled away he picked his nose and flicked the contents toward the car. He was plastered so naturally he missed, but it was way too close for comfort. In retribution, I jumped out, grabbed him by the ear and held his head under a nearby public tap, until he stopped swearing about my family heritage.

A drunk homeless woman suddenly appeared out of nowhere, mouthing off to me about my mother, so I put her under the public tap as well. Then I made the both of them wash my car.