Or A Guy. If That’s Your Thing.

The Kissing Part - When should this happen exactly.

Someone asked me the other day when it would be appropriate to kiss someone.

“Shaun,” they asked, “when would it be appropriate to kiss someone?”

“Well, when they give you permission of course,” I answered sternly, “and my answer is no, you can’t kiss me.”

“No, no no Shaun,” he replied quickly, “what I mean is – do I kiss her on the first or second date?”
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The Achilles Heel Of Man.

The Pre-Climax Window of Woe is a term I’ve coined (use it, it’s going to catch on and become a thing). Basically, it relates to the + – 5 second period just before you climax during sexual relations. Your partner (assuming you are having sexual relations with a partner) will usually be able to identify this + – 5 second period as you tend to contort your face in an extraordinary manner, in what experts refer to as a “sex face”. Apparently my sex face leaves me resembling a young Jim Carey from the movie Ace Venture: Pet Detective. Read More…

What Are Ninja Cards And How To Play Them.

Playing Cards - Similar to Ninja Cards, except Ninja Cards involves actual Ninjas.

As friends, family and occasionally The Girlfriend will tell you, I am very fond of playing the Ninja Card.

In a perfect world, the Ninja Card would be attached to my scrotum, as I am often found whipping it out at family functions, work functions, braais, dance-offs, weddings, that one time in Kokamo, and the Bar Mitzvah I attended back in ’05. For those of you not familiar with the Ninja Card, and how to pull it off, allow me to educate you, with this quickfire tutorial: Read More…

It’s Okay, We’re All Friends Here

I’m sitting here in my underpants right now, and I’m listening to music. Not just any music though, but lame music, music I would be embarrassed to admit to listening to in public, were I not such a self confident young man.

You see, I have a feeling many of these songs are probably secret pleasures of yours as well, at least at one point in your respective lives, so let’s have a quick look at some of the more embarrassing songs we tell people we hate, but we secretly love. ( in no particular order) Read More…

Don’t Sit Near Them.

Booking a movie... but watch out for The Random who will grab that single corner seat.

It was Wednesday, and so I decided to take The Girlfriend to watch a movie. Now, as many of my friends and family will tell you, I hate having to interact with people. I’m not very affectionate, I don’t come from a family of huggers (I hugged my first girl at the age of 17. After she went down on me) and I have a heightened sense of personal space. Sitting in a cinema, with strangers a mere 5 inches away from me, thus presents a problem. To get around this, I will usually buy four tickets, providing both The Girlfriend and myself with a one seat buffer separating us from everyone else.

On this particular evening though, I decided to save some cash and thus only booked three seats, leaving one, single unbooked seat in the corner.

“Who would book a single seat in the corner?”, I laughed to myself maniacally whilst literally patting myself on the back. Which I can do. Because I have long orangutan arms. Unfortunately, I forgot all about The Random, a strange beast often seen arriving by themselves at cinemas, parties and other social engagements. The Random is of course just one of the many weird people you should try and avoid when going to the cinema. You are aware of all the weird people to avoid, right? No? Okay, grab a seat then, let’s go through them in detail: Read More…

Know The Types.

Like sands through the hour glass, so are the car guards of South Africa. They are EVERYWHERE right now. This holds especially true in Cape Town, where you can’t toss a cigarette butt out of your car without hitting at least three car guards, in their luminous yellow bibs. This is quite possibly one of the fastest growing industries in the country and, much like those chirpy call centre sales reps who try and sell you airtime at 9am on a Saturday morning, they provide an essential service to us all.

There are many kinds of car guards, in different shapes and sizes. Seeing as it’s Tuesday, I thought I would help you identify and recognise the various types of car guards who can be spotted in and around Cape Town and indeed, South Africa. Let’s begin: Read More…

Let’s Have A Chat About It Quickly.

The Bookmarks 2010. Let us have a quick chat.

So I attended the Bookmarks on Thursday night. I don’t usually attend awards ceremonies, firstly because I generally find them to be quite superficial and incestous, and secondly – and probably most importantly – because I very seldomly get invited.

Seeing as how I managed to crack an invite for this particular event, I decided to attend, and see what the fuss was about. Read More…

I Don’t Really Want To Know How You Are Doing.

No no no. I did NOT ask you to tell me how you are doing. I don't care. Go home, and take this right hook with you.

So there I was, dancing my tits off at a night club. As I walk towards the bar, I spot someone who looks vaguely familiar. I cringe as I realise the person is approaching me, but I remain calm. This could be a quick “Hey-howzit-good-and-you-cool-chat-later” as both he and I walk past one another. This is how it played out. Read More…