And They Have Ugly Hands.

SABC 3 - Using the Corporate Colours of Always Ultra Pads

I was flipping through the channels the other day looking for softcore pornography. Granted, it was 6:30 in the evening, so I knew the chances were slim, but I’m what one might call an eternal optimist / glass half full kind of guy, and harboured hope that a tardy technician would answer my prayers and show me a silicone-enhanced bosom.

It was whilst having these positive thoughts that I stumbled across what I initially thought was an advert for Always Ultra pads, a product that The Girlfriend occasionally makes me buy at the Gardens Engen (Woolworths), and something that all women apparently use and talk about when they’re sitting around in the lounge or at a trendy coffee shop.

Turns out that this is in fact the new corporate colours of SABC 3, who had now also gone and ditched their batch of presenters for a new crop.

SABC 3 Branding.

This distressed me a little, as I had become quite fond of the Aussie Afrikaaner accent of Irene Bester (or “Bister” as she called herself), as well as the suspiciously and perennially stoned-looking Graeme, whose last name escapes me now, but who always looked like he had just had a sneaky joint before going on air.

Instead, I was greeted by a blonde bit of fluff by the name of Liezel, who literally boasts the biggest mouth in television today.

Seated at a 45 degree angle - I suppose this is meant to make the presenters look more casual, looking over their shoulder as if you’ve just tugged them on their sleeve - she proceeded to tell me about the current affairs program later that night, which would be focusing on child and women abuse, all the while boasting a Cheshire cat grin with that massive mouth of hers.

Liezel - The New Crop Of SABC Presenter.

It was so big that viewers couldn’t make out the rest of her face. (Did she have ears? How long was her hair?)

The camera crew must have realised this and eventually decided to zoom out a little, hoping to get a better shot of dear Liezel.

Big mistake.

Although pleasant looking - massive mouth not withstanding - Liezel also happens to sport the ugliest pair of hands you will ever see. It’s… it’s knobbled, like a really old person and unnaturally large for a seemingly petite woman.

Liezel's Hands - Knobbled. And Overly Large.

What is up with that? Is she a really old woman who hasn’t had her hands worked on yet? Did she spend her youth soaking her digits in sea water? Has she ever heard of hand cream?

These are the questions that have kept me up at night since then. Have a look next time you her on telly. It will make you helluva scared.

Come back Irene, we all miss you.

Graeme, you can come back too, I suppose.