Friday's Feel Good Jam

It's Friday, and what better way to get the weekend started than with a cheesey music video from the 80's?

The Beach Boys hit single Kokomo is the perfect treffer for a warm Summer's day, when you're lounging at the poolside in your favourite Hawaiian floral shirt, getting your feet rubbed out by your loved one, whilst nibbling on Lays Caribbean Onion and Balsamic Vinegar flavour.


The Backstreet Boys Of The 60's?

Looking at the video below, it's amazing how uncool the Beach Boys appear to be, with their buttoned up shirts and frog like features, yet it's very likely that they ended up having sexual relations with all the women featured on film.

This song was featured in the Tom Cruise flick, Cocktail, a movie which briefly had me toying with the idea of becoming a professional barman, until I saw Top Gun, which then lead me to become a maverick fighter pilot instead.

I'm not quite sure what John Stamos is doing in this video though. You will see him playing on the bongos at the back, wearing a pink shirt. This would have been quite ballsy thing to do at the time, because pink was not yet considered to be an acceptable colour on heterosexual men. Way to start a trend there, John Stamos.

John Stamos is of course best known for getting to sleep with Mystique from the X-Men movies who - when not morphing into other people - is also known as Rebecca Romijn.

It was rumoured that they broke up after Rebecca morphed into Bob Saget, John's co-star from his Full House days, whilst giving him what the French call oral pleasure.



The Beach Boys never did much after this comeback album. I think they toyed with hip hop for a little bit, but listening to old white men rapping about "blunts, bitches and forties" didn't really appeal to the masses.

Still, a good effort nonetheless, and modern day boy bands such as Westlife and the Backstreet Boys certainly have a lot to aspire to.


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Funny Cartoons About Jesus

Thanks to many a year spent cutting my teeth at Catholic Primary School, I'm pretty clued up on the whole "religious thing".

Which is why I found the following website highly amusing. It's called Russell's Teapot, which as I'm sure eveyone knows, is another name for a large church. I'm sure you've heard someone, possibly a grandparent say, "Oh, I'm just going off to Russell's Teapot just now."

What? You haven't?

Well, that makes sense as I just made that last bit up. I have NO IDEA why it's called Russell's Teapot. If you have actually heard someone say that then it's just pure coincidence. What are the odds? Yes, I'm rambling a bit - it's late in the night and I'm knocking back a stiff Jameson or two, as is customary on a Thursday night.

What was that? It's Wednesday night?

Well, it's customary on a Wednesday night too, stop being a smart arse. No one likes it - I certainly don't - and I'm pretty sure your friends don't too, they probably hate you for being a smart arse, so stop it.

Where was I... oh yes, you should check out the following website for religious humour, nothing blasphemous or offensive, just a clever, slightly cynical take on things.



Clever stuff. I'm going to bed now. Don't wait up for me.


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Going On A Bender

It was a wet and wintry Friday night when I found myself at Peddlars (On The Bend) a much loved little drinking haunt in the gang-infested suburb of Constantia.

From here, we ventured forth to Sobhar and Wadda Bar in Claremont, as this cleverly written time line will account for. Read on:

21h15 - Arrive at Peddlars. On the bend. Parking space is a problem and I am forced to park in the muddied outskirts of the establishment. This leaves me slightly irritable, as I am wearing a pair of Italian loafers, who I found hiding behind some crates at a nearby shop, having a smoke break when they should have been working.

21h17 - Wading my way through the 100m of waist-deep mud, before reaching the paved parking area. On the way there, I encounter a dwarf, who is sinking in the quick-sand like environment. I manage to pick him up and hoist him on my shoulders. Strangely enough, he isn't the first little person I have saved from quick sand, but we'll leave that particular story for another time.

21h25 - Peddlars proves to be quite a lively bar. The inside section boasts a restaurant / eatery of sorts, whilst the outside court offers ample seating and standing room, enabling you to drink beer and be merry. It's at the outside court where I see The Gupster and Kurt The Rep, together with The I.T Guy, and I waddle over nonchalantly, careful not to trip over anyone lying on the floor. There doesn't appear to be any bodies on the ground though so I make it through safely. A good sign. The Gupster gets the first of many rounds. I have my first Jagerbomb for the night.

21h49 - There are an abundance of people I know here. It's a high school reunion of sorts, and many people are catching up and swopping old war stories. People seem helluva impressed about my days as a masked crime fighter, whilst studying medicine and working on a treatment for laziness (I make sure to show them the Italians on my feet when I mention this) I mill at the bar for a bit, where The I.T Guy and myself have our 2nd and 3rd Jagerbombs for the night.

22h30 - Send a text message to The Girlfriend, telling her how well behaved I've been and that I haven't thrown away my good name by saying something offensive and stupid. At this point, conversation at Peddlars is starting to lean toward future plans. I tell everyone that I'm going to open a school for retarded kids, teaching them to speak properly. After an awkward silence, I am then informed that the future plans in question revolve around what to do later that night. I send a text message to The Girlfriend, telling her how well behaved I've been and... well, ja. The Gupster hands me my 5th Jagerbomb.

23h05 - After furious lobbying from various parties, Wadda Bar in Claremont is mentioned as a likely alternative. I remember going to Wadda once before many moons ago, where a slightly inebriated Barry (the Token Black Guy), had a verbal slanging match with Graeme Smith, who got really pissed off when Barry kept referring to him as Hansie.

22h07 - We arrive at Wadda Bar, only to discover - wait... that time can't possibly be right.

23h17 - We arrive at Wadda Bar, only to discover that there is a sizable queue, the size of a Danny K concert. As far as I'm aware Danny K isn't scheduled to sing here, but you never know with him, he has a habit of popping up anywhere, trying to flog his single, "Hey Shorty", as a viable club track.

23h18 - Danny K isn't performing at Wadda Bar, but we're still not keen on waiting in the line. It's getting helluva cold right now, the guy in front of us has literally frozen from the elements. (There are stray dogs and a couple of vagrants licking him) We decide to make the best of things and head off to Sobhar, a dangerous and treacherous journey 300 metres away.

23h25 - The journey is a tense one, and we lose many good men along the way - some to the bitter cold, a few to the gale force winds, and a couple to a group of young flossies (floozies) who we encountered halfway through the journey.

23h35 - Eventually we arrive at Sobhar. I often get annoying text messages on my phone, advertising their "Hot and Single" bar staff. Either I'm the only one getting these messages, or no one seems to be paying attention to them, as the place is decidedly empty.

23h38 - A Kurt Darren number hits the decks and the club is magically transformed into a thumping venue, people seemingly appearing out of nowhere to dance to the big K.D's new treffer - "Standing On The Edge". I see someone who shares a remarkable likeness to Danny K, sulking in the corner.

23h42 - The Kurt Darren song ends, and just as suddenly, so does the night at Sobhar. We decide to mission back to Wadda.

00h05 - I manage to force my wors into Wadda, which takes some doing, as there are probably close to 10 000 people packed inside the tiny space. Sadly Graeme Smith doesn't seem to be in attendance, leaving Barry (the Token Black Guy) to look out for any other South African sportsman to relentlessly mock. The Gupster and I head off to the bar, ten feet away.

01h10 - We eventually make it to the bar, having to fight of hundreds of thirsty revellers to get our orders in. In the process, I have sent 13 grown men to the hospital, while The Gupster is lagging behind slightly with 10. He has managed to have sex with three girls in that time as well though, so morally he is the winner. We order our drinks, and toast his victory.

01h49 - The music at Wadda is more or less what you would come to expect from a Claremont nightspot, with commercials ditties from the likes of Fall Out Boy and Good Charlotte interspersed with Roxette. I decide to dance my tits off and head toward the dance floor.

02h41 - I have officially danced my tits off.

03h05 - Wadda was okay, but my stomach begins complaining, as it normally does on a Friday night out. "Hey Shaun, I'm hungry my chyna" it keeps moaning, which is annoying as it keeps interrupting me when I try and speak to someone. It also has an annoyingly high voice, so this makes me helluva irritated. Eventually I can't take it any longer and so we decide to head off to Starlight Cafe in Rondebosh Main Road. To shut my stomach up, I order the "Artery Blocker Burger", which comprises a whole pig, drenched in fat, with a lick layer of grease on top. I gobble it up in three minutes flat, and my stomach suddenly doesn't have much to say anymore.

04h38 - It's fairly late, and I manage to sneak back into The HQ. It's way passed my curfew but The Girlfriend is fast asleep. A reasonable night out comes to an end. Why is my stomach such a bitch, and how did The Gupster manage to have sex with three girls in one hour?

These are the questions I ask myself as I doze off into a deep, alcohol induced slumber. The end.


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Who Is This In My Lounge?

The Girlfriend, being a Creative and a Collector of note, will often bring weird and wonderful things back to The HQ, which always keeps me on my toes.

Like the time I forgot about her birthday, and she decided to get ME a gift instead - a Cape Cobra - which she left slithering in my shoe cupboard to surprise me.

Yes, that was certainly a fun and enjoyable time.

Then there was the occasion I decided to give Valentine's Day a miss, leaving her to get me an electric back massager, which I apparently had to plug in and use whilst bathing. Sadly, that product proved to be slightly defective, but it was a lovely gesture nonetheless.

Today though, I am slightly confused. Confused and more than just a little apprehensive. I came home today to find this fellow chilling in the lounge.


A Fellow - Chilling In The Lounge.

Now, as far as I'm aware, we don't have a garden. I've never been a fan of gardens, as well as plants or trees. Or little kids. Oh, and ginger beer. I especially hate ginger beer.

Back to the subject at hand though, we seem to be lacking in the garden stakes, which makes me wonder what we're doing with a garden gnome.

Also, not to be funny or anything, but the garden gnome seems to be... well... Indian?

In all my years of socialising, networking and meeting new people, I've never actually had an Indian garden gnome in my home before - sure I've had Indians, and garden gnomes, but this is something altogether different.

I'll be honest - I'm a little self conscious around it.

Besides that, I could have sworn I saw it move earlier on, and I'm beginning to wonder if he, rather than my crafty neighbour, polished off my remaining bottle of Jameson, which I had been keeping for this Monday morning before work.

The Girlfriend has christened him Mr Moodley, which is ironically my Christian name, and I sense a turf war may be imminent.


Mr Moodley - The Jameson Whiskey Thief?

I think I shall sleep with one eye open tonight. I'm not joking I actually can.


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Shaun Loses All Credibility

Alright, so first Britney lets me down with her limp performance at the MTV Awards, after I predicted great things, and then both Zimbabwe and Bangladesh go and win matches in the Pro 20 World Cup, thus further humiliating me.


Shaun - Wiping The Egg Of His Face.

I'm so embarrassed.

I'm going to drink some warm milk and lie down for a while.


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T20 World Cup Guide - The Pro20 Lowdown

I was expecting to watch my beloved Survivor on SABC 3 on Tuesday, when I was instead greeted by this whole "Pro 20 World Cup" thing.

Also known as the T20 or the Twenty20 (wasn't that the name of a failed internet bank from a few years back?) this will be on our television screens for the next few weeks. Apparently South Africa is hosting this event, which is an abbreviated version of the 1 Day game, which is an abbreviated version of the 5 Day game.

And so, in the spirit of the recent Rugby World Cup Guide, I decided to do some research and find out about the countries competing in this event.

Australia - This little island off the coast of New Zealand is well known for it's sporting prowess, producing a consistent batch of over-achieving cricketers, who literally grow on trees there, thanks to new developments in biotechnology. Recently reclaimed as a colony of South Africa, with a reported 8 out of every 10 Australians originating from the Republic, Australia are the odds on favourites to win the T20 World Cup, as they are the current 5 Day and 1 Day champions, and are rather fond of winning things.

Bangladesh - This country is in Asia somewhere, I couldn't really be bothered to find out exactly where because they have absolutely no chance in this tournament. Nadda. None at all. They are apparently considered to be a developing super power in the game, as the country is overflowing with cricket-mad players. The problem though, as that the cricket-mad players are all rubbish.

England - The inventors and originators of the game of cricket, which they then exported to the entire world. Except the USA who had already invented baseball. Predictably, England are now rather crap at the game, regularly whipped by the countries they first mentored, except Bangladesh of course, who are even worse than England.

India - The home of 1 billion and 23 people, 1 billion of which are avid cricket followers (the other 23 being ice hockey fanatics.) Having shunned baseball and basketball, Indians quickly took to cricket, becoming one of the game's great super powers. They don't tend to travel very well though, and because the T20 World Cup in not being held in India, they are not expected to do very well.

Kenya - One of the minnows of the Twenty20 World Cup, together with Scotland, Bangladesh and the West Indies. Kenya are well known for their long distance runners, as they do not have many cars in the country, so people tend to jog for hundreds of kilometres at a time. Although this translates to good athletes, it doesn't create good cricket players though and they are not expected to do much in the tournament. They are quite likeable though, as they tend to be polite and rarely late.

New Zealand - A country famous for the All Blacks, Russell Crowe as well as 80's pop group Crowded House, New Zealand also have a pretty decent cricket team. Like Crowded House, on their day they are capable of causing a surprise with a big performance or two. Like Russell Crowe, on their day they are also capable of totally losing it. May well be a dark horse in the Pro 20.

Pakistan - A bit like India in that they are regarded as one of the game's better teams. Very temperamental though, they tend to replace their coaches and captains every fortnight or so. Because of this, half of Pakistan have represented the national cricket team, either as a coach or as a captain. They are another country who tend not to travel well and so will not be expected to go very far. They may also be fasting soon, and thus may not be very keen to run around in the dry, hot conditions of South Africa.

Scotland - Although excelling in their national past time of drinking and wife-beating, Scotland are not really renowned for their cricketing prowess, having secured entry to the T20 World Cup thanks to a dare by a member of the International Cricket Council. May arrive to South Africa's shores with a throng of Scottish supporters, wearing those red wigs and tartan kilts that everyone loves.

South Africa - The hosts of the Twenty20, South Africa will be hoping to do better than the last time they hosted a Cricket World Cup, where they choked and ended up being knocked out by Sri Lanka. As any South African will tell you, there is nothing worse than being beaten in a Cricket World Cup by Sri Lanka. It just feels weird. South Africa will be skippered by former male model Graeme Smith, who will be hoping for a triumphant performance by the home side.

Sri Lanka - Famous for their tea and the occasional terrorist bombings, Sri Lanka are also a pretty explosive team, possessing a number of players who can single-handedly win games. I could mention a few of them, but no one would would ever be able to pronounce their names. Besides Russel Arnold, he had a pretty easy name. He doesn't play anymore though. Rest assured, Sri Lanka will definitely be in with a shout at the T20.

West Indies - The West Indies comprise a number of small islands, most famous of which are Jamaica. They were once a formidable team, but are pretty crap presently, regularly getting caned by the likes of Kenya, Scotland, but not Bangladesh. Obviously. They won't offer much and shouldn't be considered favourites.

Zimbabwe - Not really interested in competing in the Twenty20. Rumours abound that they have actually been sent down here to set up a stockpile of food, medical supplies, as well as Beacon Liquorice All Sorts, which is a personal favourite of Robert Mugabe.

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Ladies - A Helpful Guide To Looking After Your Man

I received this in my Inbox the other day, and had a quiet chuckle. Basically, it's an extract from a Home Economics book from the 50's, advising women on how they should look after their man. You obviously can't make out the text so click on it for a larger image to appear.


A Helpful Guide For Looking After Your Man. Click On It.

I forwarded this on to The Girlfriend, with the subject "Tips For You", expecting some sort of reaction.

Strangely, none was forthcoming, although I did find shards of fine glass in my corn flakes the next morning.

Strange.

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Helen Zille Arrested - How Bizarre

Cape Town policemen are fond of embarrassing themselves in the public eye, and over the years, have regularly crossed swords with yours truly.

One particular incident which always stands out for me was the time two detectives thought they had bust an illegal shebeen in the southern suburbs, only to discover I was merely storing massive amounts of apple juice in my parent's spare room, as I was going through a hoarding stage, and enjoyed apple juice.

Today though, the South African Police Service have really had their cake and eaten it. They have had their cake, eaten it and then had the balls to ask for seconds.

Can you believe it? They have actually asked for seconds!

In a stunning public relations gaffe, they have gone and arrested Cape Town mayor Helen Zille, after she took part in a legal protest against drug users. She now joins the likes of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, as other well known women who have recently had their head shots taken.

From News24:

Johannesburg - Democratic Alliance leader and Cape Town mayor Helen Zille was arrested in the Cape Flats for participating in a legal march against drug lords, she told SABC radio on Sunday night.

"The last time I saw anything like this was under apartheid when I was taken in," Zille told the state broadcaster, stressing that several police had ignored arresting drug dealers, but arrested protesters.

She said she had been charged with attending an illegal gathering and would lodge a counter-claim of unlawful arrest.

Unnamed sources allege that the police officers, high from smoking tik and sniffing glue, failed to recognise the most high profile woman in Cape Town, one of the few white faces taking part in the protest on the Cape Flats.

Well done guys, good work, it makes us all feel really warm inside, knowing you're on top of things.

Oh by the way, enjoy your new careers, whatever they may be.

UPDATE - Now you can also see Helen Zille having a right old pop at the police.



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Fighting Talk In Parliament All Watered Down

"Yes! It's cloberin' time!" I thought, when I heard of the recent flare up in parliament, involving everyone's favourite whiskey drinker, the ever-popular Health Minister Dr Manto Tshabalala-Msimang.

Picturing scenes of our embattled minister (and alcoholic - allegedly) swinging her rhinestone encrusted handbag ferociously at DA and ID members, I was somewhat deflated to see the actual footage of what really transpired.

Democratic Alliance member Mike Waters refusing to leave after being sent out the classroom by National Assembly Speaker Maleka Mbete, before calling Tshabalala-Msimang a "thief".

Was that it? Come now Mike, you could have done better than that. The whole episode reminded me of my high school days, when we would excitedly rush down to the nearby forest, to view a much publicised fight between two white boys.

More often than not, the "Thrilla with Vanillas" would turn into two chaps having a shouting match with one another, with the occasional questioning of heritage and sexual preference thrown in.

Our politicians can really learn a thing or two about fights. See this recent clip of how representatives in India sort out any differences during debate time. Notice the panache and style of the combatants as they fling their microphones at their adversaries as if they're ninja stars. Or really big knives. Classic stuff.



South African politicians, take note. None of this faffing around with verbal sparring. Your microphone is a potential weapon, use it.


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The Madeleine Mystery Deepens

If you've been living under a rock these last few months, you may not be familiar with the Madeleine McCann case. I'm not going to fill you in on it, I suggest you do a search on the net to get up to speed, as it's a helluva big thing on the internet right now.

I could take this opportunity to rant about how so many children go missing in South Africa, and do not get the publicity and public support that this little girl is getting, but that will just upset me and I'll get a headache.

What I will say though is that this is turning into one of the more dramatic news stories of the past year. After reports that Kate McCann has been named as an official "arguido", comes today's breaking news that Gerry McCann has now also been declared an "arguido". Arguido means "suspect" in Portuguese, in case you didn't know.

Extract from IOL:

The naming of the couple as suspects came after police in Portugal received the partial results of forensic tests on traces of blood found in the room where the child was sleeping.

Kate McCann, 39, was also questioned by police about blood allegedly found in a car the couple rented 25 days after Madeleine went missing.

I remember chatting to The Girlfriend about the case some time ago, and she actually said that the parents may have accidentally killed her, and tried to cover it up. Of course at the time, I simply shrugged it off as one of those silly things women tend to say. Well done, The Girlfriend, you may be proved right.

This could very well drag turn into a made-for-television movie in the near future, a bit like that story in the 80's about the Australian mother, whose child was taken by a dingo in the outback?

Let's wait and see.


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Rugby World Cup 2007 - An A to Z

I was having dinner at Carlyle's in Vredehoek last night, which I may decide to write about later, but whilst eating I kept hearing the roar from the men at the bar area, watching this "rugby match" between Argentina and France.

Interested to find out more, I discovered that there is a "Rugby World Cup" tournament currently going on. In the spirit of informing readers, I have done some research and present to you a definitive A-Z on this thing called "Rugby".

A is for All Blacks - A rugby team from New Zealand, consisting of mostly white chaps, which I think is what's known as irony. They do come equipped with tattoos though, which makes a big difference to their street cred. A Google search suggests that they have a habit of "choking". Which suggests that they don't chew their food properly. One should always chew your food properly, or you may choke and die. The All Blacks won the Rugby World Cup in 1987, but back then there were only about 4 countries playing the game, so it wasn't that important. People were more interested in football in those days, not rugby. The All Blacks are the favourites for the 2007 competition, as they are really good at rugby. This is because the sport is pretty massive in the country, being the second most famous thing New Zealand are known for.

B is for Bill - or "William Web Ellis" as he was known to his mum. William was the creator of rugby, a game he invented after realising how rubbish he was at football (he was a crap goalkeeper). Rugby attracted all the rubbish footballers and the game spread across the world from there. William Web Ellis also happens to be the name of the Rugby World Cup trophy, which I'm sure you will agree is a pretty amazing coincidence

C is for Crowe, Russell - The most famous thing New Zealand are known for. Russell is a real man's man, starring in testosterone-filled movies such as Gladiator (hardcore), and Cinderella Man (which doesn't sound that hardcore, but certainly is) Russell regularly exhibits his toughness by beating up random strangers who piss him off. He also has his own band (Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunts) which merely confirms how awesome he is. The sneaky Australians regularly try and claim Russell as their own, but he is true blue New Zealander Kiwi All Black Guy.

D is for Drop Goal - A very popular method for winning rugby world cup finals. Apparently you just kick the ball between the uprights, over the cross bar and hey presto - you earn yourself three points. This method was successfully used to win the world cup in 1995 - by a bloke called Joel Stransky - as well as the world cup in 2003, by a bloke called Jonny Wilkinson. Will it be used again in 2007?

E is for Eagles - The United States have a rugby team, consisting of 9 South Africans, 3 New Zealanders, 2 Frenchman and a guy from Milwaukee. Tired of being excluded from all the big boy parties, George W Bush threatened to blow up France if the US were not invited to play with. The Eagles are not very good though - they were recently beaten by an old man and his dog - and so are unlikely to make much of an impression in this tournament.

F is for France - The hosts of the 2007 Rugby World Cup, France are well known for their French fries, French kisses as well as French toast. France are also well known for their famous brand of "champagne rugby", which consists of the team getting pissed on Moet during warm-ups and throwing the ball around in a lackadaisical fashion. The French are one of the favourites to win the Rugby World Cup, as they are the home team and so will know how to get to all the stadiums on time. Anyone who has ever visited France and asked locals for directions will know what an advantage this will prove to be.

G is for Goal - Which is the term used by footballers when they get the ball in the net. A rugby player doesn't try to score goals. His goal is to score tries. A try is when you ground the ball over the line on the other side of the field. That will earn you five points. You then have to also kick it over the poles, which is known as a conversion. That will earn you 2 points. Do this regularly, and you may very likely win the game, which earns you brownie points. Brownie points is the accepted currency used by rugby groupies and flossies (floozies), which can then be exchanged for blowj*b points.

H is for Haka, The - A lovely and happy little choreographed dance often performed by the All Blacks before games to get them in the mood. This has won them countless Tony awards for best modern dance interpretation as well as a prestigious MTV award in 2003. Tonga and Samoa also have little dance ditties but they are just poor imitations of the Haka.

I is for Ing-Ger-Land - Or England if you're not an English football hooligan lout. English rugby fans are more refined than their football counterparts and simply refer to their national team as "England" or "World Cup Champs". Yes, the England team are currently the Rugby World Cup champs, after winning the William Web Ellis trophy in 2003, thanks to a Drop Goal (See D). Before that they suffered many years of mediocrity, until their coach at the time, Clive Woodward, taught them how to play rugby. Before this they were simply content to kick the ball up and down and chase after it. This is what's known as "Ten Man Rugby", as it's pretty boring to watch and is usually played in front of a crowd of ten men.

J is for Jake - The Springbok rugby coach. Jake (White) has been the Springbok rugby coach since 2003, after stumbling upon them huddled naked in a cold, dark pit. He took pity upon them, fed and clothed them and created a formidable team, who are now considered one of the favourites to win the Rugby World Cup. They previously won the tournament in 1995, but this was before the game become professional, and matches would be interrupted every five minutes for smoke breaks and the occasional beer.

K is for Kicking Penalties - Another way of scoring points, is through kicking your penalties. A penalty occurs every time an opponent commits a foul, such as biting, eye gouging or ripping out any of your internal organs. Kicking over a penalty (through the uprights, over the cross bar) earns you three points, as well as brownie points which, as previously discussed, can then be exchanged for blowj*b points. Penalties are usually taken by the flyhalf, who wears the number 10 jersey and normally has the most pulling power among rugby groupies and flossies.

L is for Late Tackle - A late tackle is when you hit someone long after they have passed the ball. This normally results in a foul, giving the opposing team a penalty which they may be able to kick over. Late tackles are commonly accepted in rugby circles as a form of punishment for someone. If an opponent insults your mother, you may give them a late tackle. If they pinch your bottom whilst in a ruck or maul, you may give them a late tackle. If they stood next to you at a urinal the day before, and tried to make small talk, you may give them a late tackle. These are the commonly accepted guidelines.

M is for Madiba Magic - A motivational chat from Madiba, Nelson Mandela, usually inspires sports teams to do really well no matter how mediocre they may be. A chat from Madiba before the 1995 World Cup final motivated South Africa to forfeit their smoke breaks and play through the nicotine craving barrier, going on to beat the All Blacks, despite an admittedly sensational Haka performance beforehand, which had the crowd on their feet in rapturous applause.

N is for Never Won A Rugby World Cup - Countries which have never won a Rugby World Cup include France, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Argentina, Zimbabwe as well as the Dominican Republic. Oh and Ghana.

O is for Os - Or Pieter Du Randt as his mom knows him as. "Os" which is an Afrikaans word meaning "Os", is the only surviving Springbok member from 1995. Which isn't to say that the rest of them are dead. I saw the captain, Francois Pienaar in a Lays chips commercial just the other day. What it means is that everyone else from that era has since retired, going on to become photocopy salesman or male models. Os is the oldest member in the Springbok team, who all look up to him and who recently held a special function to celebrate his 50th birthday.

P is for Players and Positions - The Rugby World Cup is all about the various players and the positions they play in. A rugby team consists of backs and forwards. The forwards are in the front, the backs are at the back. The forwards have to roll around in the mud and get very dirty, whilst the backs are there to look pretty, score the tries and thus earn brownie points. Forwards tend to be strong and bulky but slow guys, whilst the back tend to be quick and agile, yet also easy to snap in two. This makes watching rugby very entertaining. Will the slow forward grab hold of a nippy back? Will he break him in two?

Q is for Queen, God Save The - The national anthem of the English rugby team, as well as the English football team. And the English cricket team. Actually, I think it's the official English national anthem, used in all codes of sport. The Queen loves watching sport and so, in 1950, she decreed that all sportsmen and women sing this song, imploring that she live forever to enjoy all these tournaments and events. She will no doubt be spotted in the terraces in France, armed with her lucky English jersey signed by Jonny Wilkinson, as well as her favourite corgi, Spanner.

R is for Rucks - A ruck is when there are three or more bodies on the ground, groping and touching one another. In another world this would be known as an orgy. In rugby though, it's a ruck. If there are just two people on the ground, anything goes. If there are more than that though than certain rules need to be applied. (Ensuring that no one feels left out)

S is for Springboks - A rugby team from South Africa. A springbok is a nippy little critter, very quick and agile. They are regularly hunted down by Americans in game parks, looking to kill things with their rifles to make up for their general inadequacies. These springboks haven't been hunted down yet and have successfully made it through to France, where they will be hoping to win the Rugby World Cup for the second time. They will be captained by John Smit, who young viewers may remember as Barney the Purple Dinosaur, a popular television show from the 90's.

T is for The Drawing Board - A magical place where all rugby teams go back to after losing a match. You will often find captains referring to this at the after match interview. Experts maintain that The Drawing Board is a myth, much like the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot, but rugby players remain adamant that this is where they must return to when things go wrong.

U is for Up and Under - A method of gaining a few metres. Basically you kick the ball as high and as hard as you can, and then try and catch it yourself. Rugby players are not fond of jumping up and catching balls. If they could do this, they would be good goalkeepers. Rugby players are just rubbish footballers at the end of the day, so the Up and Under makes good sense when attacking a team. If this strategy does not work and you end up losing the match, you can always then just head off back to The Drawing Board.

V is for Very Important Players - The very important players to watch out for in this Rugby World Cup are varied. There is Dan Carter, an All Black who is always entertaining to watch, as he runs around like a nippy little rabbit on heat. Jonny Wilkinson, who is exciting to watch, because you never know when he will break down (a multi million pound betting industry has been built around his susceptibility to injury) as well as other characters such as Schalk Burger, who enjoys decapitating people with his massive forearms, and the scary looking Sébastien Chabal, who is just a fierce looking bastard who you would never want to run into in a dark alley.

W is for the Wallabies - The Australian national team. Australians are well renowned for their freakish ability to excel in any sport they desire, including the likes of ice-hockey, skiing and baseball. The Aussies won the Rugby World Cup in 1991, 1999 and are aiming for a hat trick in 2007. They will be ably captained by Ricky Ponting, who will have a point to prove after all the injury doubts that have been hanging over him in recent months.

X is for Xxxxx Beer - A sponsor of the Wallabies, but in reality a rather mediocre beer - nowhere near the class of a Hansa Gold or Castle.

Y is for You Blokes Can't Handle The Pressure, Mate - A phrase often thrown at All Black supporters when they're boasting about their rugby team. Pretty temperamental, the All Blacks cannot seem to get it together for the big games, losing in the semi-finals at the last two tournaments. Rugby World Cup elimination usually leads to excessive drinking, wife beating and Russell Crowe poster tearing from the emotional Kiwis. Will this be their year though?

Z is for Zidane, Zinedine - He doesn't play rugby, but he headbutted Marco Materazzi in the Football World Cup final. Something you probably shouldn't do in a Rugby World Cup Final.

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Britney Spears - The Comeback Begins Now

Today's news of Britney Spears making her official comeback at the MTV Video Awards, had me desperately trying to stay calm, my heart pounding like an excited youth getting his first blowj*b.

Being a card carrying member of her official fan club, I have been laying low for a while, ignoring the marriage, the child, the second child, the breakdown etc - all the while secretly waiting for the moment when Brit would clean herself up and take her rightful place on my mantlepiece as Shaun's second favourite musician, after the affable Kurt Darren.

Apparently this is her new single.

Listen to it, it's called "Gimme More". I think it's supposed to mean "Give Me More", but I'm not entirely sure yet.



What a catchy little ditty.

As a special treat, to myself, I've also gone and dug deep into my archives to pull out an article I first wrote on Britney in 2004, when I initially began blogging:

I love Britney Spears. I think she's the greatest singer in the history of music. I love her beautiful voice and amazing dance moves and I think she's a living legend. She's also the #1 babe in this year's "FHM's 100 Hottest Women" award so it shows that I know what I'm talking about.

I remember joining her fan club when she first broke onto the music scene. I emailed her every week and she almost always replied. My friends would mock and say stupid things like "That's not really her Shaun, it's a webmaster, she doesn't even mention your name in the email"

This would normally result in one of them ending up with a bloodied nose, due to their blatant stupidity. Britney was the one mailing me and anyone who thinks otherwise are fools. Fools I say!

Justin Timberlake (or "JT" as he likes to call himself, huh!) has always been a bit of a prick in my eyes. I never cared for him much when he had that ridiculous hairstyle in Nsync (who could forget that), and I thought he was an even bigger chop after breaking my Britney's heart (bastard).

He also sings like a nancy boy and he's a shit dancer. I'm a much better dancer than he is, and I probably sing better too. I'm also much better looking than Timberlake, and I reckon I'd be able to kick his ass if we ever got into a fight.

Oh, and if you're reading this Timberlake, I downloaded your entire album off the net and made lots of copies and sold it to people, so you probably lost a few hundred dollars because of me.

Well, what an opinionated young man I was then!

Little has changed since those heady days. Although I'm more tolerant of Justin Timberlake these days, I'm still pretty convinced I'm a better dancer than he is.

And I'd still kick his ass in a tussle.

Anyhoo, good luck Britney, here's hoping your days of getting pissed and showing your vagy to the world are over.

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Kurt Darren Appreciation Day

It's the 4th September which, as everyone knows, is Kurt Darren Appreciation Day. This annual event, launched by the government four years ago, looks to pay homage to one of the world's greatest Afrikaans pop singers, Kurt Darren.

Kurt Darren, or "The Big K.D" as he is known to his millions of fans, is a bit of an enigma. Having released his first album, For Your Precious Love, in 1995 - it would prove to be a long and hard seven years before he would receive worldwide recognition with the smash hit, Meisie Meisie (Girl Girl) which would go on to out perform critically acclaimed albums by Dido, Eminem as well as Norah Jones that year, eventually selling more than 170 million records. (During those quiet seven years, Kurt Darren took the time to obtain his doctorates in chemical engineering, social philosophy and actuarial science, as well as finally mastering his various martial arts disciplines)

A recent study showed that at least one in every three people own a Kurt Darren album, the other two owning posters or various promotional items, and it's certainly easy to see why.

The Big K.D would follow up this album with Se Net Ja (Say Just Yes) which contained the timeless ditty, Loslappie (Loose Girl), a popular sing-along-song much loved by mothers and daughters.


Kurt Darren - Much Loved By Mothers and Daughters.

A global icon, Kurt Darren has had many of his songs sampled and translated all over the world, as this excerpt from his official website (www.kurtdarren.co.za) attests to:

An amazing amount of Kurts' biggest hits have been translated into other languages in countries such as: Belgium, Netherlands and Germany, some of these songs include: "Meisie Meisie" (Girl Girl), "Hemel Op Tafelberg" (Hymn On Table Mountain) , "Staan Op" (Stand Up), "Alleen" (Allan), "As Jy My Wil He" (If You Want To Keep Me), "Se Net Ja" (Say Just Yes) and many more. Kurt also shares a couple of his songs with these countries, and vice versa. These Cultures compliment each other and the end result is astonishing. "Meisie Meisie" has for instance been recorded by a German group called Klostertaler and in Germany this song is known as Hallo Susse, recorded by Universal.

Besides these achievements, rumours persist that Kurt Darren and Justin Timberlake are currently working together in a studio somewhere. These claims are presently being denied by both camps but the story just won't seem to go away. Timberlake has never denied being heavily influenced by KD1, as is fairly obvious by anyone familiar with both artists. Seen as a mentor by Timberlake, it was Kurt Darren who first suggested he break away from Nsync, and it was also Kurt Darren who told him to break it off with Britney Spears. Many people are not aware of this, but it's true.



Kurt Darren - A Mentor. A Friend.

Besides having a voice that could make a wolverine purr, Kurt Darren is also an amazing dancer who has won literally thousands of awards for his innovative dance moves. The way he swerves his hips and legs, whilst moving his arms at the same time, is nothing short of spectacular.

R&B star Usher once flew down to Pretoria for a dance-off with Kurt and, at a packed Loftus Versveld stadium, was left totally burned. Which is why you will never see Usher performing a concert in Pretoria.

Because Kurt Darren totally owns Usher. As well as Pretoria.


Kurt Darren - The Proud Owner Of Usher. As Well As Pretoria.

Watch him show off a bit of his repertoire with this live performance of Meisie Meisie (Girl Girl).



Kurt Darren is currently promoting his new album Lekker Lekker (Sweet Sweet) which is being hailed by critics as one of the most important albums of our time.

From his official site:

Kurt and the hit lyric writing duo Marc Brendon and Don Kelly have again put their talent together to create steaming popsongs - this time also in English. The result is the radio temperate song "Standing On The Edge Of My Life" - a selfsearching romantic promise, with Kurts' captivating voice and acoustic orchestration -and "Your'e My Angel" - jolly, foot-itching, pure pleasure!

This is a festive season directed album- with a number of special celebration songs: "Lekker Verjaar" and "Kom Laat Ons Dans (Ons Eerste Keer)" - passion stamped to be the opening dance at many wedding celebrations.

Well, I certainly know what I'll be playing at my wedding.

Kurt Darren also recently answered his fans' prayers by finally releasing a DVD - Kurt Darren, Op Toer (On Tour). The demand for it was so great, the dvd was released in US cinemas, where it sat at number 1 for over 48 weeks, raking in 650 million dollars in the box office, and is now widely regarded as having single handedly saved the American film industry.

This is a dvd which should be owned by EVERYONE.


Kurt Darren - Op Toer.

Buy Now - Click Here

In short, Kurt Jermaine Breyton Darren is one of the greatest entertainers in the world, able to seamlessly cross over into various genres and musical markets to great effect. For further insight into what makes him tick, we've scoured the net and various other sources for more information on this global phenomenon.

Who knows what next lies in store for Kurt Darren?

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Complaints - Quarterdeck Grand West & Belthazars

Besides my usual batch of fan mail, hate mail, pics of naked women, pics of naked men, and adverts promising to cure my bald spot; I received the following two emails this week.

One relates to a particularly bad experience at the Quarterdeck Restaurant, situated at the Grand West Casino, whilst the other was more of a concern regarding the excessive wine prices at Belthazar Restaurant, situated at the V & A Waterfront.

Not having much going on at the moment, I thought this would be an interesting case study to see whether these two establishments would take the time to address these grievances, or simply ignore them and foster resentment on the part of the customer.

Complaint #1: Quarterdeck Restaurant, Grand West Casino

Name: Bernie Polison
Comment: The old lady's 50th. We choose Quarter Deck at The Grand West. The service, what service - we had to remove our own plates from the table and find our own cutlery. The food was nothing to write home about, it was average. After spending a grand on the meal for the family and after complaining about the poor service we are still waiting for the manager to contact us. In your dreams, they never follow up. QUARTER DECK RESTURANT AT GRAND WEST SUCKS!!!!!!!! Bernie

Strong words there Bernie. I wonder if the manager will be contacting you now.

Complaint #2: Belthazar Restaurant, V & A Waterfront

Name: Louis Germishuys
Comment: On Wednesday my dearly beloved and 4 close friends will be dining at Belthazar. The eating part is what we are looking forward to but I fear that the wine part leaves us Kaapenaars with weak knees. Last time I had bought a few cases of Neil Jouberts 2005 Cab Sav and just for fun i had a peep at the wine list and if my memory serves me correctly the list price for the Neil J Shiraz was + _ R150-00 about a 400% to 500% mark up !!!!!!!!

It is still unjustifiable so why do we pay these prices. ????? I timidly asked them if they had a corkage policy and the standard reply is that they had a huge stock of wines and that is the reason for no corkage and (the high prices). We have a little shop in the V & A since 1992 and I wish I could wack up our prices and justify exorbitant prices by telling our customers that we justify high prices so that they - the customer - could enjoy our large variety. Surely the focus should be on the food and then charge what they like but give us some respite with reasonable wine prices. It would be a very good marketing ploy.v

A good point Louis, I actually remember a story a few months back about Belthazar charging a customer R9000 for a bottle of wine.

I've sent the two establishments this url, and encouraged them to respond. Let's wait and see if they do, and what they have to say regarding the points raised.


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