Chaos Ensues In Claremont

The Saturday evening began like any other - myself and The Girlfriend, lounging at The HQ, sipping red wine while listening to “Livin La Vida Loca“. Then the phone rings. I pick up the receiver hesitantly and listen. It’s someone from First National Bank (FNB), trying to sell me life insurance. I hang up. Then the phone rings again. It is The Gupster. Plans have been set in motion, a JAG (Just All Guys) night had been arranged. I had to be there. Cue an 80’s rock music montage of making myself pretty, handing out a world class foot massage to The Girlfriend and then driving like a demon - I find myself at the doors of Tiger Tiger in Claremont. I immediately fall victim to the club’s no weapon/metal policy, eventually having to produce a doctor’s certificate stating the unnaturally high level of iron in my blood, a rare condition which causes me to pass South African R5 coins through my urine, a tax-free source of income which supplements my wages working on the old plantation.

I step inside and push my way through a throng of obnoxious white boys and scantily clad women. It’s Saturday and Tiger Tiger is literally spilling over, on the way upstairs I had already stepped over a dozen or so clubbers who had spilled over the railing - that’s how full it was. I eventually see The Brand Ambassador and saunter over, giving him a manly smack on the bottom. I soon realise that this in fact is not The Brand Ambassador and several awkward minutes are spent explaining myself to a rather offended gentleman. I eventually see The Brand Ambassador, The Gupster and Lyle Timeshare at the outside bar, first making doubly sure of their identification before handing out manly smacks on the bottom for everyone. Alas, Bazza The Barry is missing from this party, no doubt off on another wild and almost-impossible-to-believe adventure.

While I enjoy a “Jäger Bomb”, The Gupster is busy chatting up a pretty blonde. The blonde informs him that they have hooked up before, and enquires as to why he has never called her, as promised. The Gupster raises his eyebrows, points over her shoulder - as if someone has grabbed his attention - and makes a hasty retreat.

The music agrees with me and I find myself drawn to the dancefloor. Whilst dancing my tits off, I see an old acquaintance who comes on over, and we exchange formal pleasantries, as acquaintances do. (Hey, how’re you doing? Well and you? Good, good) Bizarrely, he then lingers on after this, even though we have nothing more to say to one another. The awkwardness reaches a new level as I then realise that we are now actually dancing together. Putting an end to the gayness, I raise my eyebrows, point over his shoulder - as if someone has grabbed my attention - and make a hasty retreat.

Cue club music montage of myself dancing, The Brand Ambassador smoking, Lyle Timeshare showing pics of his baby, and The Gupster questioning his moral ethics. (I want to take this opportunity to point out that the montage is to illustrate that plenty of time has gone by. I obviously can’t remember everything that occurred, just little bits that I managed to scribble down in my “Junior Journal” book when I eventually got home.)

I seem to have lost my money tonight, probably when doing backward somersaults at the front bar (I was engaged in a debate with someone, and did it to flummox her train of thought) and so quickly head to the toilet to raise some funds. There I bump into someone from my alma mater who understandably seems quite excited to see me. So excited in fact, that he forgets to wash his hands, extending one of those filthy things in a greeting gesture. I reluctantly accept his greeting and then watch in amazement as warts suddenly start appearing on my hand. I curse the bastard and quickly whip out my trusty bottle of muti which I keep for precisely these types of situations, quickly soaking my hand in goat phlegm, cow eyedirt and the sweat of a male springbok, causing the warts to disappear almost instantaneously in a puff of blue/grey smoke. A crowd has gathered and watches in amazement at this little magic show, and I decide to further impress them by throwing the rest of the muti over an obnoxious guy who was busy preening his (immaculate) hair. He vanishes in a puff of blue/grey smoke to a loud cheer from everyone.

On the way back, I bump into “Blondie”, a bit of a “flossie” (floozie) who always reeks of wine. She pulls me closer, seemingly to tell me a funny tale, but I am onto her conniving ways. Her tongue quickly darts out, like a cobra attacking a mongoose, but I am too quick for her and with precision like timing I sidestep out of the firing line. She catches the guy standing behind me, and the two of them begin a session of making out and intense heavy petting. I have dodged a bullet.

While I enjoy a “Jäger Bomb”, The Gupster is busy chatting up a pretty red head. The red head informs him that they have hooked up before, and enquires as to why he has never called her, as promised. The Gupster raises his eyebrows, points over her shoulder - as if someone has grabbed his attention - and makes a hasty retreat.

The night has quickly flown by in a blur of Jägermeister, Windhoek Lager, Roxette and Cigarette smoke. I’m busy chatting to The Gupster about the progress of the cardigan I’m knitting for him, when I decide to blink. I open my eyes to find him huddled in a dark corner, furiously making out with a pretty brunette. Lyle Timeshare has meanwhile said his goodbyes, while The Brand Ambassador is milling on one of the seats, smoking. I decide to strike up conversations with random strangers, as it’s one of my favourite past times, after knitting cardigans and making sketches of the Oros man. I find myself among a group of three young ladies, who seem rather impressed when I tell them I’m a masked crime fighter on holiday.

My tales of heroism are interrupted though as The Brand Ambassador pulls me aside. It’s time to leave. Already? The night has flown by, like a giant albatross, high from sniffing paint and thinners, before coming down slightly and smoking a Rothmans. What a great metaphor. Or is it a simile? This is the end of the story, and I don’t know how to wrap it up properly. Really, I don’t.

We all said our goodbyes, and strode off into the sunset, knowing our paths would eventually cross again soon, as the credits slowly rolled down the screen, and a slow acoustic rock song began playing, showing us in happier times. In slow motion.