When You Mumble...

Till Operator: Excuse me? What did you just say?
You: Mmm? ...I'mmm not sure, my mind had wandered. Were we making light small talk? I was on auto pilot to be honest. I wasn't really paying attention to what you were saying.
Till Operator: You called me a whore.
You: I called you a what?!?
Till Operator: No, you called me a whore.
You: I called you a whore?
Till Operator: Your exact words were, "Thanks slut."
You: Why would I... No! No, what I said was "thanks-a-lot". You misunderstood me. I often mumble. It gets me into trouble sometimes. Like now.
Till Operator: That's not what it sounded like.
You: Yes, I know. I apologise if it sounded like that. As I just mentioned, what I was actually saying was "thanks-a-lot".
Till Operator: I'm not a slut, you know.
You: No, of course not, I know that - well, I don't actually know that - I don't really know you, what I mean is, no wait - what I'm actually trying to say is, no. No, you certainly are not. That's not what I said. Jesus, I'm stammering here.
Old Lady: I heard what this young man said. He called you a slut.
Till Operator: Thank you madam, that's what I thought he said.
You: Christ, old lady. You were ten feet away and you heard me say that? I was standing RIGHT BEHIND you just now at the vegetable counter and you couldn't hear me asking if I could grab two onions. You never responded but you FARTED on me. I can still smell it on my jacket, it smells of asparagus. I let it slide though because you're old and that shit happens, but now you're pissing me off.
Till Operator: Don't shout at her, she's just an old lady.
Old Lady: I'm just an old lady, and you're a horrible young man.
Store Manager: Hi, is there a problem here?
Till Operator: The customer just called me a slut.
Old Lady: He did, I heard the rude blighter say it.
You: This is getting ridiculous now. Look, all I said was "thanks-a-lot". I mumbled and both of them misheard me. I didn't say what they think I said.
Store Manager: Sir, I can assure you that she certainly isn't a slut.
You: You're not LISTENING. I DIDN'T say she was. Aargh, I'm losing my mind here.
Store Manager: Sir, I think it would be better if you don't shop here again. I can't have you calling my employees sluts. It's not a very polite thing to say, and it demotivates them.
You: Christ, I give up. I-just-came here-for-some-cous-cous.
Store Manager: What did you just call me?

Moral of the story - don't ever mumble when communicating with retail staff. They won't hear you and will get you banned from the store.



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