But We’ve Been A Little Under The Weather.

Not A Happy Little Camper.

Whenever I have a few stiff Jamesons, things tend to get a little crazy.

Like the time I smacked Colin Moss with a Valpré water bottle after he beat me in a game of dominoes, and started mouthing off, the way only Colin can.

“I’ve been a presenter on TWO reality shows. What have YOU done?” he gloated sarcastically.

Well, I showed him, and to this day Colin still flinches at the sight of bottled still water, preferring to stick to sparkling.

Then there was the time I threw my strawberry daiquiri over Danny K, who wanted to burst into a rendition of “Hey Shorty” at a bar mitzvah we were both attending. “Someone do something! Quickly!” said the nervous host.

And so I did. And the guests were all saved.

Yes, triple distilled Irish whiskey and I can be quite an explosive and d..d….deadly - yes, I’m stuttering - combination if not mixed correctly. I can do very silly things.

Case in point this weekend, where after a few Jammies, I proceeded to eat a live cat. He kept eyeballing me at the soirée I attended on Saturday evening. Wait, let me just correct myself. The soirée I attended on Saturday. There was no reason for me to mention that it was the evening.

That was being redundant. Sorry about that.

You see, a soirée is an evening party. Yes, that’s right. You just learnt something new, didn’t you?

Anyhoo, whenever I came into the kitchen he would be sitting there, eyeballing me whilst sipping on his Grappa. What was a cat doing sipping on Grappa? I thought cats preferred pot-stilled brandy?

I didn’t bother asking him, frankly he began upsetting me with his shitty attitude, rolling his eyes at me as I battled to get the ice blocks out the tray.

Eventually I had it with him, and so I swallowed him whole. You would think that would be the end of it, but no, he had his revenge.

Apparently it’s not a good idea swallowing cats. It gives you a helluva indigestion. Which is what I had. Which is why you haven’t heard from me for a while. Which is why you should never eat cats. Or swallow them.

Take it from me, I know.